UPJOKE
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Snuck Jokes

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

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A teenage couple were heading home past the graveyard, when, overcome with lust, they snuck in, and got down to it on a convenient gravestone.

The girl then hurried home, and when she got in, she complained of having a sore back to her mother. Her mum asked to look at her back, and then tutted.

"What is it? " Asked the girl. "Can you see anything?"

"I can't see anything wrong with your back", replied her mother, "but your b...

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My friend and I snuck into an empty church one day...

Since nobody was around, I decided to drop my pants and dip my balls in the holy water.

My friend turned to me and said, "is that sacrilegious?"

My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So I brought her to a Wayans brothers movie, snuck in some vodka in a water bottle and asked her for a handy in the back row

A flat earther snuck into a physics seminar

While the speaker was giving speech on recent development about gravity, flat earther shouted


" Why do you even think that gravity is real? "



Speaker dropped the mic.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

My wife walked into the room and I snuck up behind her and yelled; BOO! She cried hysterically and ran outside.

I always do this to her but I guess it was funnier when I was alive.

Snuck up on a corn stalk

Pretty easy when they have no ears

I snuck up on my dryer...

Scared the sheet out of it.

I snuck up on my roommate and had a horn sound on my phone ready to play, and I turned the volume way up.

I pressed play, only to find that I had forgotten to remove my headphones.

What do you call a lycanthrope you've snuck up on?

An unaware wolf.

I snuck downstairs to make pancakes at midnight last night

It took a couple hours and I didn’t want to wake anyone going back up.

I stuck some pancakes to my feet and crepèd back up the stairs.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Fishing……

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when ...

Someone snuck aboard the Death Star and stabbed Darth Vader with a lightsaber.

It was a space in Vader.

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An old man and woman snuck into the broom closet at the retirement home for a romp...

They undressed and were about to fuck when the woman realized she should warn the man about her heart condition.

"I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said.

"Good," said the man, "because you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen!"

I can't believe someone snuck into my house last night and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go!?

Lars sees his friend Sven in the bar

Lars sees his friend Sven in the bar and tells him "Sven, I played a trick on you last night. I snuck up to your window and watched you in bed with your wife!

Sven smiles and answers "Well Lars, the joke is on you! I wasn't home last night!

[OC, be gentle] Ronald McDonald snuck up on a Happy Meal and said, "Serve fries!!!"

The Happy Meal replied, "Nugget out of my face."

A fox snuck into the chicken coup last night and killed them all...

Authorities were unsure whether to label it a coup d'etat or a henocide...

Two teenagers snuck into a crypt at night. One tripped over a small bone and the other unashamedly laughed.

Can't blame him though, it was a little humerus.

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

"This is the biggest game of your life," my coach said.

Everyone was nervous, including me, and he wasn't making things easier.

He followed-up with, "Pretend like you're are going into combat."

That was it. That was the spark I needed. I waited for his back to be turned, and when it was, I snuck out of the locker room and started making my ...

When I was a kid, my parents told me the noise from their bedroom at night was them wrestling. I didn't believe them so I snuck in one night...

...and got taken out by an RKO out of nowhere.

I saw my dog carrying a dead rabbit in its mouth.

I recognized that the rabbit came from my neighbor. I didn't want the neighbor to get mad at me because my dog killed their rabbit so I took the rabbit from the dog and snuck it back into it's cage so it would look like it just died there.

Later I heard my neighbor screaming so I asked what's...

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.

On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.

An angel who witnessed this...

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My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.


The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.

When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”
The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”

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A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst C...

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler.

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler. After a while, the handler received a letter in the mail. It told her the spy has been compromised, but, before his capture, he'd snuck out some very important government secrets. He'd used the world's smallest memory card to co...

There was this kid who was terrible at school...

His parents had tried everything; after school programs, private tutoring, etc. Nothing had worked to bring up his grades. So they decided to try one last thing, to send him to Catholic school.

So the first day of Catholic school he goes, and comes home. He opens the door and looks at his mom...

Someone close to me died recently...

Shouldn't have snuck up on me like that.

Teen drinking story

As a teen I stayed over a friend's house one weekend. We thought we were far to young and clever to get caught raiding the liquor cabinet. I made a bit of a distraction asking for food while he opened the cabinet and grabbed the biggest bottle. We got snuck the bottle back to his room. We each had a...

Cow Jokes

What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

Two cows are grazing in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey Dorris, you worried about this Mad-Cow Disease epidemic?" The other cow turns and says, "Why would I be? I'm a chic...

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot san...

Why was Blitzen so upset with his wife?

She snuck off to Vegas for the weekend and blew 1000 bucks

Jennifer and the Fortune teller.

During a recent outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered the grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a viole...

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A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.

The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.

The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.

The man said...

Long story about a story

There was a newsman Ida Gross, who worked at the New York times last century who always snuck in a pun into his reports. His editor was always on a look out for the pun, which he always excised before sending the story on to be printed.


One day, there was a gas explosion that killed ten...

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A Best Man at a wedding

Notices that the groom is incredibly happy. “I know that you are happy for your wedding day, but you seem incredibly ecstatic. Why?”


“My bride to be just snuck into my room while I was getting into my tux, and she gave me the most incredible blow job. I am about to marry the most amazing ...

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A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

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A man suspected his wife was cheating on him.

He came home at lunch time and snuck in the house, to find his wife with another man on top of her. So he hit the guy upside the head with a lamp, knocking him out cold.

When the guy woke up, he was in the detached garage with his dick trapped in vise, with the handle broken off so there was ...

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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out" ... so we snuck in through the rear entrance

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

I wonder how many chameleons....

snuck onto the Ark?

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

The leader of a Native American tribe just passed away

He was old and had been a wise leader for many years. After he passed a younger man became leader even though he had much less experience.
His first task as leader was to predict if the coming winter was going to be a mild one or a harsh one. In other words, did the tribe need to gather lots of w...

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Lie Detector

A man buys a robot shaped like an arm and a hand and brings it home to his wife and son.
Son: "What is it?"
Dad: "It's a lie detector robot. It slaps people who lie."
Son: "No way!"
Dad: "It really is. Here let's try it: why weren't you at school today?"
Son (defensive): "I WAS at sc...

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Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.

Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just ...

I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thou...

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The Americans in WWII discovered a weakness in the Nazis.

The Americans snuck into the Nazi bunkers, and all of a sudden, pulled out...

Cleaning spray.

They all pressed the release button, but when the haze cleared, the Nazis were seen running off, not a scratch on them.

While on their way back to their bunkers, one of the American roo...

A big Swede named Sven is getting married...

And he got real drunk at the wedding party. Taking advantage of this, his best friend Johann, snuck upstairs to screw the bride in the bedroom.

Meanwhile, everybody was kidding Sven about how drunk he was getting. Finally, Sven went upstairs to bed his new wife. But when he got to the be...

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4 nuns line up for confession

The first nun says: "forgive me father, for I have sinned. Last night, a homeless man sought shelter in our walls, so we gave him a room and some new clothes. While he was changing, I peaked through the keyhole and I stared longingly at his penis."

The priest says: "do not be ashamed, my chi...

Two men are sitting at the bar

One says to the other: "So I've just crawled into bed. My wife's sound asleep. All of a sudden the smoke alarm starts chirping because the battery died."

The other guy says: "Let me guess. You tried to ignore it, drift to sleep and deal with it in the morning?"

"No way. Do you think I ...

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thanksgiving miracle

AN old couple was married for many years,they had a routine in life like we all do ,One of his routines was to wake up and let huge farts in the mornings ,His wife would tell him ,one of these days your gonna shit your guts out your asshole , he would just laugh it off , come thanksgiving morning ...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field. Every time a bird was swooping in to get some crops - the bird would catch eye of the clock instead. As the bird landed on the clock, it would die! It was a mystery - but the farmer didn't care as it worked better than a scarecrow. Pretty soon wo...

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I saw a 7-eleven coffee cup on the table in the break room.

I was curious, so I looked on the back of the cup. It said that the coffee beans were mountain-grown in the world's finest coffee-growing regions and were inspected for premium quality five times prior to being roasted. I snuck a sip of the coffee and thought, "Wow. That's impressive."

Becau...

Police were called to the scene of a murder

A man escaped a mental hospital and stole some porcelain figurines. Later that night he snuck into a farmers field and used them to beat a cow to death with them.

It was the first documented case of a nic-nac patty wack

I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad

I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.

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A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

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A blonde, a brunette, and redhead went camping...

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.

While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and s...

A father and young son are out for a walk...

About a block from their house, the pair spot a pair of stray dogs humping furiously in an empty lot.

"Ewww! Daddy, what are they doing?!?!"

"Um...well, Son. They're making puppies...."

The boy watched the dogs as they passed by, totally confused by what he was seeing.

La...

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There was once a rabbi who loved to play golf.

He loved it so much he could not bear not to play for more than a few days and was beggining to get addicted.

One year, on Yom Kippur - the day of atonement and the holiest of all high Jewish holidays, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and ...

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Once, there was an old couple....

The husband would wake up every morning and thrust out a loooonnnnnng fart.
She told him for years, "Some day, you're going to shit your guts out if you keep on" but that never stopped him from his morning routine. Finally, after decades, she had enough.
After cleaning out a turkey she took...

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Baby download

Daddy, how was I born? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad ...

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Father, that is what you taught me

A world renown prostitute decided to make a "tournament". She was very experienced and very confident in her abilities. Anyone to just make her make as much as a sound during intercourse wins one million dollars. Men from all around the area lined up for a chance to win, no one succeeded.

Wo...

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

A man buys a robot that slaps liars

He puts it on the dinner table, and explains what it is. He then asks his son where he was today when he should have been at school.

"I was at school!" The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the cinema."

"Who were you with and what did you watch?" The father asks.

"I was with...

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A woman is standing on the edge of the Verrazzano bridge ready to jump

As she's working up the courage to take the last step off, a sailor walks by and sees her. He says, "Ma'am, I can't pretend to know what you're going through but I promise it isn't worth this. Tomorrow my ship leaves for Rome. Why don't I sneak you on and when we get there we can run off and start a...

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Quitting isn't easy.

Watson being a doctor and knowing all well how deadly tobacco is, tried to convince Sherlock to quit smocking, but all attempts to persuade the detective were useless. He stubbornly kept puffing the pipe. Watson was ready to give up, when one day he had an idea. Sticking the stem up the butt would c...

I was having trouble getting to sleep last night

After about an hour of tossing and turning, my wife rolled over, snuck her hand under the covers, and trailed it playfully down my chest.
"Want meeee to help you get to sleep", She whispered coyly into my ear.
"Yeah", I replied. "Tell me again how your day went".

Couch was comfy.

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

Newspapers

The paperboy didn't deliver my newspaper this morning, so I snuck next door and took the neighbours.
In hindsight, kidnapping might have been a little excessive

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry", said the first one.

"Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly bac...

Peter got a job as a train conducter...

On the first day of his job, a random guy without a ticket got past him and on the train without being noticed. This was eventually caught on CCTV and Peter was warned by his boss.

Second day of his work, a group of refugees snuck on the train between carts without Peter noticing and one of t...

Eevee

A de-evolving Eevee came across a war between the two factions of Eevees: the Flareons, Vaporeons, Jolteons, and Sylveons, and the Umbreons, Espeons, Glaceons, and Leafeons.

Deciding to play both sides, the Eevee snuck into one camp as a Fire type, and managed to gather some information about...

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There were once three brothers...

They loved to go hunting together. All season long they would get up at the crack of dawn to hunt deer in the woods. However, the youngest brother had chronic bowel issues. He would try to get his “business” done before they started their hunting, but sometimes he would have to take some time in the...

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To get in the deer hunting spirit

For the past 20 years ten of my closest friends have been spending deer season in the same camp in the UP (Upper Peninsula). This year one of the members got married; worse yet, his brother in law wanted to join the camp. The problem was the brother in law was a FIB (fucking Illinois bastard).
...

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The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when

his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door.

"*Hello,*" he says, "*I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?*" <...

Two men live in a mental hospital

One day, they are fed up with the place and decide to escape.

So, that night, they both snuck up on to the roof, and see the lights of the city in the distance.

The first guy jumps from the roof to a large tree branch that is just a short distance away, and became free in that moment.<...

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A young Jewish couple was getting married...

As the wedding party was getting ready to enter the hall, they noticed the bride and groom were missing.

After a few minutes the groom shows up with a HUGE smile on his face.

His best man says "dude, I know you're getting married, this is a happy day, but that is quite a smile".
<...

Burglar Meets Moses and Jesus

There was once a burglar that had been staking out a house for weeks. He finally decided to break in when we saw the tenants leaving for dinner date.

He then snuck in through a back door that he knew where the extra key was hidden. As he snuck through the house spotting his flashlight on what...

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

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[Long] Farts and Thanksgiving

John and Susan have been married for many years. Every morning as John woke up, he would let loose the loudest, most foul smelling fart you could imagine. Every morning, Susan would tell John that he was going to blow his guts out of his ass. John would just laugh and continue his morning routine...

Everyone have your tickets ready

Three lawyers and three engineers are sent to conference. The lawyers being lavish as they are, choose to buy a first class ticket for each of the three of them. When they meet up with the engineers, they notice they only bought one coach ticket for the three of them.

"How do you suppose you'...

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An old man was feeling horny, but the nursing home he was in never allowed any of the residents to be left alone with one another...

One day the nursing home manager announced that all the residents would be going out on a day trip and all but a couple of the nurses and staff would be going too. This was his chance!

The old man had his eye on a particular lady resident and he took her to one side and told her that if she ...

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A man was robbing a house

He snuck in at the dead of night, the owners weren’t home. Good. He started to clear the expensive stuff off the shelves in the living room, he reached for an expensive-looking pen on display when he heard a distant voice whisper “Jesus is watching you”

Startled, he looked around yet saw no o...

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After being invited for a night out with "the boys"...

After being invited for a night out with "the boys", a man promised his wife he would be home by midnight.


Having not seen his friends in a while, the man lets time get away from him and gets wasted, stumbling out of his taxi 3 hours late.



As he tries to sneak into the bedr...

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A couple in an old folks home

There was a social night planned at an old folks home. There was dancing, a punch bowl, snacks, etc... It was a pretty tame event.

Two of the residents, an elderly man and elderly woman were bored and decided that they needed more excitement so they snuck off to a utility closet so they could...

A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements. Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another green...

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

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A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like...

A new nun goes to confession....

She is greeted by father John.

Father John: What would you like to confess today

Nun: I am so embarrassed, today I looked at a married man and I wanted to kiss him.

Father John: this is wrong but you are being honest and you understand you have sinned. Please offer 10 Hail Ma...

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Roy Rogers and the mountain lion

Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand new pair of expensive cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they're new so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit. He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight wh...

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My coworker was in a pretty bad situation.

His name was Joe, he was fresh out of college and came right out of nowhere, moved cross-country for the job, and could no longer afford his hotel. I barely knew him but I took him into my apartment, where I was living with my girlfriend.

We spent most of our time drinking, watching football,...

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Fart your guts out

A couple who had been married for several years now, were preparing to spend another Thanksgiving together. The woman was running around the kitchen trying to get the meal prepared to perfection when her husband came in the room, grabbed a devilled egg and let out a rumbling fart.

These farts...

My grandpa Lloyd was 5'5", and his brother Chris was 6'3". When they were growing up...

...and it became clear that they were going to have a significant difference in their heights, Lloyd asked Chris if he was doing anything special to become so tall.

Chris leaned in close and quietly said, "It sounds silly, but every night before I go to bed, I sneak into the pantry, take a ha...

There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking...

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3 Chinese tortures

A lonely and tired wanderer is rambling and ambling across China. He has been wandering, and pondering life for three days. He stumbles upon an old cottage and thinks, maybe I may stay here for the night, as three days without rest, food, or drink, is a long time, and he was quite tired. So, he knoc...

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