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Shuffling Jokes

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

3 moles were shuffling down a tunnel, when the first one says

"hmmm, I smell honey!"

The second one twitches his nose and says "mmm I'm not sure sure.. It smells more like sugar to me!"

The third mole wrinkles his nose... "nope, it's definitely molasses!"

A husband and wife and their ten kids are waiting to board the subway.

When the subway arrives, it is nearly full. The husband tells his wife "Honey, you should board this train with the kids, and I'll catch the next train." The wife does so, and the train departs with his wife and ten children.

While waiting for the train, there is an old man with a walker...

An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"

But the cows keep shuffling in.

Because they don't understand English.

A farmer walks up to the front door of a neighboring farmhouse.

He knocks on the door and a young boy, about ten years old, answers. "Good morning, sir," he says.

"Good morning," the farmer answers. "Can I speak to your father?"

"Sorry, but no," says the boy. "He and Ma went into town."

The farmer then asks, "Is your brother Jimmy here?"<...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

So I was pinching one at a highway restaurant toilet

There I sat, reading a magazine, minding my own business. A couple of minutes later comes this other dude and enters the next cubicle. I stay silent, hearing him unzip, taking his pants off, shuffling around, sitting down and starting his thing.

A minute later, I hear him say "Hey, what's up?...

Thank you Alexa

Burglar: *points gun at me* Alright buddy just show me your valuables and nobody gets hurt

Me: Haha sure thing dude - ALEXA CALL THE POLICE

Alexa: “Shuffling songs by The Police”

*Roxanne plays as I get shot 16 times*

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.

We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goe...

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Pastor Pete looks out his window after prayers one morning and he sees old Captain Salty stumbling down the road zig-zagging back back and forth.

"Hey, you crusty old pirate," Pastor Pete yelled. "What are doing drunk already? It's not even seven a.m."

"Let me tell, ye, ye nosy busy body," Captain Salty replied, "I haven't had a drink in over twelve hours!"


"Is that so?" asked Pastor Pete. "I hope your sea legs are better...

A old man walks into a McDonalds

He is bent over and shuffling slowly. He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.

The cashier asks "Crushed nuts?"

The old man replies, "No arthritis."

My grandfather died yesterday.

My father and I started cleaning out his apartment.

When we passed by his dresser we noticed some papers that fell between the dresser and the wall. One of the papers was an unclaimed dry cleaning ticket.

Looking at the ticket, we saw it was for a black suit that was b...

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 2)

It's the second day of interviews for the position at the CIA. The three men are ready for their next step.

The interviewers take the first man into the interrogation room where the is someone tied to a chair with a hood over their face. They say "This is a practical task designed to test you...

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A nun was about to take a Bath

A nun was about to take a bath. She undressed and just as she dipped her holy toe in the water she hears a faint knock on the front door. "Who is it?" she calls. "It's the blind man from down the road!" Shuffling around, unable to find her towel, the nun races to the door and decides it would be ok...

When the computers crash at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. “It was awful,” the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. “All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.”
“That sounds awful,” the wife consoles.
“You’re telling me,” he replies after a sip, “I had to k...

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A young man is relaxing on a park bench on a fine Spring day.

An elderly gent comes shuffling by with a very serious expression on his face.

"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asks the younger fellow.

"Shit my pants," answers the oldster.

"Then why don't you change them," suggests the youngster.

"Not done yet," was the reply.

Ring ring....

Little girl: "Um... hello?"

Caller: ".... Oh hey sweetie, its daddy.... why are you annwering the phone? Where is mommy?"

Little girl: " Um..... mommy says she and uncle Jack are working in the bedroom and i gotta play downstairs......"

Caller: " What!? Honey, you aint got a unc...

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An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

There was once a homeless man in a small town

Everybody knew him, everybody liked him, he never bothered anybody, until one day someone saw him down by the beach catching an osprey and cooking it up, and they called the cops. The cops arrived as he was finishing his meal, telling him "ospreys are protected animals around here. Sorry, but we got...

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A drunk walks into a bar he's never been in before...

He sees an enormous pickle jar on the top shelf that is overflowing with $100 bills. He asks the bartender for a beer and a shot, and decides to ignore it. Six drinks in, curiosity gets the best of him.
"Wuz, uh... what's wilth the jar o' money?"
The bartender replies that there is a $100 buy ...

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

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An old farmer is drinking his morning coffee when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a stranger standing there with an empty jar in each hand.
“What can I do for ya, feller?” The farmer asked.

“Well, I was just passing by yesterday when I noticed you had some Honeysuckle vines growing on your fence row over there, and I was wondering if you might...

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Bunny Wabbits

A little girl steps into a pet shop, walks up to a sales associate, and says, "I would wike to buy a wabbit, pwease.."

The woman takes one look at the little girl, and her heart melts. The child had big, bright eyes, a little button nose, pig tails - she's cuter than Shirley Temple. She scru...

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It's a hot day at the airport check-in

...and after the queue has been shuffling slowly forwards for what seems like hours, a red-faced businessman can take it no more, and storms to the check-in desk elbowing peons out of his side to left and right. He looms over the desk and snarls at the girl on duty: "I've had enough waiting for one ...

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One sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome

On one sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome, there was a beautiful young nun walking back home after the service in the church. The priest who was driving back home in his wagon spots the poor nun walking home in the sweltering heat. Being the gentleman that he was and a servant of the Lord, he stops by ...

Only in America

A European Count who had a fascination with the American West, arranged for a trip to a Texas town named Outlaw. Outlaw was small but didn't know it and the town fathers were determined to impress the Count with their worldliness. They arranged to have the local orchestra perform Beethoven's Ninth...

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Coldest Igloo

Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up.

The first Eskimo says, "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you"

So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says, "Watch this."
He gathers up a big wad of spi...

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Cheating wife

A man has been suspecting his wife is cheating on him and decides he'll try to catch her in the act. One day he comes home early from work to find his wife all dolled up awkwardly sitting alone in the living room.

"Alright! Where the hell is he!?" he screams.

The wife claims she has n...

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Dave walks into a bar,

goes straight for a stool, sits down, and asks for a beer. The bartender serves Dave, and the man gulps it down in seconds.
"Another," says Dave.
The bartender serves him another, and again, Dave gulps it down in seconds.
"Another," says Dave again.
The bartender serves him, but ...

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