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Lumps Jokes

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

Why do i have lumps on my balls?

wait this isn’t google

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I was checking my testicles for lumps

When I heard a little voice say "the empire state building is 20 ft tall," it turns out they were talking bollocks.

Two lumps of concrete walk into a busy bar...

They see some chairs next to a lump of tarmac, and the one goes over to sit when the other grabs him saying:

"Dude, don't sit next to him.. he's a cycle-path"

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My grandmother told me the doctor found lumps in her breasts...

Then we realized it was just her knee caps.

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My doctor was checking my balls for lumps the other day.

It got quite awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair

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I was checking for lumps and found a perfectly formed pair of testicles.

God knows what they were doing in my mash potatoes though.

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Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence

Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "Johnny, that's not a response to the question I asked."

Johnny repeats, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher gives in and says, "No - fart...

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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

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It’s been a long week in the greengrocers ….

It’s been a long week in the greengrocers but it finally gets to Friday night and three best mates - a lemon, a potato and a pea - decide to have a couple of beers after work, as so often happens, soon they’re on a full on pub crawl...

They have a great night, hitting pub after pub , knocki...

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

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Two old women are talking to each other.

One says "I think I have cancer, I found 2 lumps under my breasts". The other replies "oh you old hag, it's not cancer honey, those are your kneecaps!"

How is a toilet like a workplace?

The biggest lumps rise to the top

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

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The teacher asks the class to use 'diction' in a sentance

Little Johnny stands up and says "oh, I know, I put polish down my pants and then my dick shone."

"That's inappropriate. Now, can anyone use 'fascinate' in a sentence?"

Little Johnny stands up again "my aunt Bertha has a coat with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only faste...

Braille Satan

Evil lumps

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A beautiful young woman goes to the doctor's office

The nurse puts her in an exam room, and asks her to remove her clothes. When the doctor arrives, he is dumbstruck by how pretty she is, and he can't maintain his professionalism.

He starts to feel her breasts, and says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies, "Checking for breas...

Meat

Guy in a pub sees two lumps of meat nailed to the ceiling. “What’s that about?” he asks the barman.
“Pub tradition. Jump and touch the meat, you get a free beer.”
The guy thinks a moment, then shakes his head. “I’m not taking that bet. The steaks are too high.”

A mother walks into her son's room

Upon opening the door she sees her son eating some of his toys. Freaking out she scoops him up and rushes to the emergency room and demands them run all sorts of tests on him. Finally after receiving dozens of tests they finally get to sit down with a doctor.

"Is my son going to be okay?" The...

A pirate goes into a doctor's office.

He asks the doctor to inspect his back because he happened to find some lumps there. After careful examination, the doctor tells the pirate, "Don't worry. They're benign," to which the pirate replied, "Aargh, check them again. I reckon there at least be ten."

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Vietnam veteran comes back from a tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. his dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck tha...

BLOND DOG

Q: Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
A: He's been chasing parked cars.

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Little Johnny went to school one day...

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.

The first little girl raised her hand and said, "The trees are definitely green."

The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in t...

One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS...

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.

The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.

The IRS agent meets the guy and te...

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An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.

He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?”...

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A 75 year old lady says to her husband...

"You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."

Her husband says, "Sure, that's a good idea dear."

So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.

Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and p...

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"Medical" examination

"Take off your clothes and lie down on the table" Said the Doctor. The young lady did as she was told reluctantly.
"I am just going to feel your breasts for lumps". He duly did and she let him.
"Now I am going to put on these gloves and just check your downstairs. I'll warn you, the gel is a ...

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Definitely

A third grade teacher is teaching her English class and calls on her students to use the word of the day in a correct sentence.


"Today's word is *definitely*. Suzy, can you use the word *definitely in a sentence?"


"The sky is definitely blue" responds Suzy.


"Actuall...

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Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinal.

As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help.

''Oh yes please!" the armless man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir."

But as Bob unzips the man, and pulls...

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