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Scolded Jokes

I got scolded on my birthday last month

Just because I went to the party in my birthday suit

someone scolded me for using a semi colon instead of a colon...

I just couldn't give a shift

My wife scolded me about how much I drink..

She says... For God sakes! You ever imagine the damage you're doing to your health? Not to mention all the money you've spent? How much money do you think you've spent so far?

I say... Idk.. hic..

She says: how much is a bottle of Jack Honey?

I reply: idk... like $24...

My parents are very unfair... they scolded me for something I didn't even do!

My homework.

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.

He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.

"Then I'll come home and eat," bravely declared the child.

"And what ...

What do you call getting scolded by jokes?

A *Pun*-ishment.

I asked my teacher if I would get scolded for something I didnt do

She said no

so I told her I didn't do my homework

A Native American scolded me for celebrating Thanksgiving, a celebration of slaughter

So I said, "you're right, it's awful what they've done to the turkeys all these years."

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I was just lying down on my bed surfing reddit when my mom came into my room and scolded me for being a useless lazy bum

I am not going to take that lying down, so i stood up

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My mother always scolded me for losing my stuff in school when I was a kid...

That's probably the reason why I can't lose my virginity now.

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The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.

"That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read." She scolded. "Have you anything to say for yourself?"


"Just two words, miss," I replied. "Go fuck yourself."


I'm shit at maths, too.

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

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I went to the doctor's today, with a bright red scab on the head of my dick..

I dropped my trousers for him and straight away he told me it was caused by not eating properly.

"Oh come off it, doc!" I scolded. "You've not examined me or even asked about my lifestyle. How the fuck can you just assume I'm not eating properly?"

"It's a bit of tomato skin."

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So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

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A newlywed bride and groom were about to commence their honeymoon activities

when the bride became annoyed at the groom’s overly enthusiastic advances. “Have some manners like you do at the dinner table!” she scolded. The groom stopped his pawing, sat up straight, straightened his hair, buttoned and smoothed his pajamas. “Good evening madam” said the groom. “You look very lo...

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

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A teacher is teaching a notorious class...

A teacher is teaching physics. Then he notices a boy is day dreaming. So the teacher asks that boy,
"Do you know who Albert Einstein is?"
The boy says "No, I don't".
"If you paid more attention to the lesson you should know" scolded the sir.
Then the boy asks the teacher "do you know who...

Swimming Prohibited

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming wa...

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A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of rum".

The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of rum helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed ...

Problem about being a Programmer

Wife said, "Honey, please go to super market and get 1 bottle of milk. If they have bananas, bring 6".

He came back with 6 bottles of milk.

She said " Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"

He said "BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS".

He still does not understand why his wif...

A young priest asked his bishop, “May I smoke while praying?”...

The answer was an emphatic “No!”

Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, “You shouldn’t be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn’t do it!”

“That’s odd,” the old priest replied. “I asked the bish...

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out.

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out. The entire hospital was being evacuated. As the fire spread, a fireman was checking for stragglers when he found the blonde choking on smoke while pulling on a nurse's assistant's gown. The fireman grabbed the blonde and took her outside ...

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

John went to the pub for some light drinking

He found a few old buddies and ended up drinking late into the night.

When he finally returned home at 3AM, he was expecting to be scolded, beaten and taunted by his wife. He was so drunk he passed out on the sofa.

The next morning he wakes up to find his wife humming tunes happily. Sh...

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to
retur...

Teacher's pet

A boy was once given the task of babysitting his teacher's pet dog for a day. He was careless and the dog ran out the door when he wasn't looking. He tried searching all over town but he couldn't find the dog anywhere. He then thought of a plan. His teacher was old and losing the sharpness of most o...

A husband and wife on a hot, summer day . . .

A guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer afternoon. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for dinner.

The wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she s...

Mom , today my teacher punished me for something I didn’t do.

Once upon a time there lived a girl called Jennifer.

One day when she came home from school she went straight to her Mom and said ” Mom , today my teacher punished me for something I didn’t do.

The mother was very angry and went straight to her teacher and scolded her , but she didn’...

A family got a new Lie Detector Machine

The Machine Would buzz whenever a lie was told, so the Father decided to test it out at Dinner.
The father asked,

"What did you do with your lunch money today at school,son?"

" I just bought lunch"

The Machine buzzed, and the kid starting sweating as the Mom and Dad looked a...

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A curious lad goes up to his dad after school and asks him “Dad? What’s a cunt?”

His dad scolded him for using such foul language but appreciated the intrigue and curiosity of the kid.

“I’ll show you what it is if you promise to never say that word again”.

The child agreed and the Dad led him by the hand into the room where his mother was asleep. He carefully pull...

A boy's wishes started coming true

There was a boy who was scolded by his teacher everyday and one day he said to himself, "I wish the stupid man gets run over" and sure enough the next day, news come of the death of his former teacher. The next day he was teased by his older sister so he said again, "I wish she breaks her arm" and s...

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

Little Johnny and little Susie were in Sunday school.

Johnny, thinking he was being funny, kept poking Susie in the back with a pencil.

Up front, the teacher was asking some questions, "What did lucifer say after falling from heaven?" She asked. Just then Johnny jabbed Susie with the pencil.

"Cut it out." She hissed over her shoulder....

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

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An old Joke i heard a long time ago

Little jimmy was sitting in his room and playing with his train. His mother is was in the room next to him and she heard him say “This is the train conductor , all you Assholes and fucks get on the train. His mother was horrified of what her little boy was saying. So the next day she waited again an...

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Little Johnny came home from school today

Little Johnny came home from school to find his mother angry at him.

"I got a call from the principal today, he said you fucked your teacher". Said little Johnny's mother.

After little Johnny got scolded by his mom, "wait until your dad gets home from work", she said.

After an h...

June was sore.

She scolded Ward Cleaver.
"You were awfully hard on the Beaver last night Ward!!"

My dad is so cheap.

He scolded me for running home behind the bus once, and saving the *fare. He said I should have run behind a taxi, and saved a lot more.

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A boy was playing outside of a church

He was poking a small anthill with a sharp stick and every time he missed an ant he would curse:

-Shit, I missed!
-Fuck, I missed!
-Damn, I missed!

The priest overheard him and gave him a lecture about not cursing in the house of the lord, yet the boy continued:

-Shit, I m...

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The Blind Monk [OC]

In a monastery in Tibet I met a blind old monk.
I was looking for spiritual enlightenment, and he was willing to help me on my search.

He introduced himself as Yu and spoke only in third person.
We would sit together for long stretches saying nothing, before he would tell me stories fro...

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Christmas gifts...

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas.

So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone onething she got. "My daddy got me a B...

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Pathology professor told this joke after class today. A little long but soooo worth it.

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And ...

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