I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique wa...

A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.

He saw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A famous chef and his wife are having marital problems

A world famous chef has been away for many months traveling the globe and preparing exotic dishes, and as his wife expects, sleeping with exotic women.

In an effort to save his skin, he pulls the wife aside and says "Honey, I know I have been away for a long time, but I promise you never lef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tina and ted

Tina and Ted got into their bed, Said Ted to Tina "It's time for some head." "Head in the bed?" is what Tina said, "Before we're both dead," is what Ted next said.

So Tina did suck and Tina did lick, And into her palm then Tina did spit, She polished his crank like a hitch made of chrome, And...

A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black e...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.

One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).


He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a bar ( long)

A fellow walked into the bar,sat down and ordered a beer. Over the course of a few hours he continued to drink beer after beer.
The barman notices that the fellow never got up to go to the gents room. He continued to drink through the night until last call.
At this point, the barman was aston...

I have lost my wife. She went shopping and hasn’t returned!

Policeman: What is the ladies height sir?

Husband: Height? I’m not sure, I’ve never measured her.

Policeman: Is she a slim or a large lady sir?

Husband: She’s sort of average I’d say.

Policeman: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Sort of bluey-green I suppose.

Pol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 wishes

A man enters a bar with a very beautiful woman and a cat. They sit at the bar and the man orders: "For me a beer, my wife will have a white wine and the cat will have 9 meatballs please."

The man & wife drink and talk & the cat eats the meatballs. After a while, the man orders the sam...

A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the Vatican to meet the pope.

He arrives at the Vatican and there is a long line of about 100 people to meet the pope.

The man makes sure that he dresses extremely nicely so he’s wearing a professionally tailored suit complete with tie and freshly polished shoes.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake han...

My favourite Math pun

There were once 3 kingdoms that bordered the same lake. In the middle of the lake there was an island, and the 3 kingdoms had been fighting over it for years. No one seemed to be able to keep the upper hand for very long and no one had been victorious. The wars over this little island were very cost...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Guys Walk Into Bar [long]

Three men walk into a bar. Bartender looks each one up and down and says "I bet I can tell where each of yawl is from just by lookin at you, and if I'm wrong, I'll buy each of you a round of drinks." The men snicker among themselves and shake his hand, excited they're about to get their drink on for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

City Hall

The city counselors were discussing how to increase public attendance and participation at City Hall meetings. One counselor suggested bringing in a famous hypnotist-entertainer. The officials agreed, the hypnotist was engaged, and leaflets were printed and distributed.

A month later, City H...

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money...

I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.

Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church...

Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, O...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

Have you heard about the curator of the Slavic History exhibit?

He's forever Russian around, Czeching that everything gets Polished

A short armless man comes to the priest of a small town and asks to be the church bell-ringer...

The priest is surprised, and says,

"Well, I do need a new person to ring the bells, but, well, you have no arms man! The bell is huge, its size is the one record this town holds. The last guy to do it weighed 400 pounds, and even *he* had a hard time ringing the bell. Not to mention, you cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

McTavish The Boat Builder [NSFW][Long]

So one day while on holiday Lee decides to visit a local bar...



While inside he orders a whiskey and while waiting for his drink his eye is caught by a man muttering obscenities a few stools over.

Curious, Lee decides to try his luck and asks what seems to be the problem.
T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is a car collector. [original]

My friend is a car collector. He has a huge garage full of beautiful cars from all around the world.
He invited me round to see the collection so it was a weekend afternoon I went over.
Some were preserved in their original condition but some have been modified by their owners.

The firs...

Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep...
He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels.
Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Immortal Bard

*This is not my joke, it is actually a short story written by Isaac Asimov, but it is written like a joke. One that I found quite humorous. Hope it belongs here.*

"Oh, yes," said Dr. Phineas Welch, "I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious dead."

He was a little drunk, or maybe ...

Key to success in life

One day a young man, confused and directionless in life, was walking in a park.

He sees a well-dressed and well-to-do old man sitting on a bench, feeding the birds and enjoying the scenery. He walks up to him and says, "Sir, you seem to have done well for yourself in life, do you mind telling...

A man walks into a bar...

Shadily dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and a fedora pulled down over his face. A livid scar runs down his cheek, and his two tone shoes are dangerously polished. In his hands he's carrying an accordion case. The bar falls completely silent. All of the patrons turn pale and freeze...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer had spent his life

collecting tractors. Every time one broke down or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came time for him to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used the toilet just after my wife and noticed that her shit really does smell of roses.

Hardly surprising. She's polished off four tins of the fuckers in the last two days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's dress rehearsal time on the set of Saturday Night Live.

A new intern, having been hired for one episode, arrives at NBC's studios, excited as can be.

He heads to the front of the set and is directed into a closet to get suited up for practising an SNL sketch.

He chooses a suitable suit, pair of pants and buttons himself up. At last he comes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator

A woman goes to a lounge in France, where she is approached by a tall, well-dressed, dashing man.

"I am Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator," he says, "and I want to make love to you."

"Yes," the woman replies, "take me to your apartment."

At Francois' apartment, the two ...

Short comical narrative I wrote

The detective’s heels clicked on the cement steps as he approached the door. The deputy ducked under the police line behind him. He knocked and the door was slowly opened by the woman. The blue and red lights were reflected in her wet eyes.
“Mrs. Johnson?” He asked.
“Yes. . . ?” The wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ol' McGregor's sitting at a pub in Ireland...

A young boy walks in and grabs the stool next to him.
McGregor says, " You know lad, 50 years ago I built this bar top. I carried every piece of lumber in on me back, sanded em, an put em in place. My blood, sweat, and tears went into building this bar, and it still stands as strong as it ever d...

The Surgeon and the Plumber

A world-famous and very dignified surgeon called a plumber to fix the flooded bathroom in his office.

When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of used overalls. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed doctor smirked in a condescending way and said: "Do you usually...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joseph the bar builder

A man is sitting at a bar, when he notices an older man in the corner staring at him. The older man speaks.

Older man: Do ya see that bar son?

Younger man: Uh... Yes I see it.

Older Man: I built that bar with me own hands. I cut the lumber, I nailed the nails, I polished the p...

A well-dressed man sits down at a bar...

He calls the bartender over and asks him to get him a beer. The bartender returns with a cold beer and a paper boat filled with peanuts.

He slowly drinks his beer, and eventually starts cracking open peanuts and eating them absent-mindedly.

*"I like your tie. It contrasts very well wi...

My favourite Yom Kippur joke

Last Wish

Terrorists burst into a shul (synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom.

The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Ca...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.