Pit Bull Jokes - 52 Hilarious Pit Bull Jokes

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.

Pit bulls are the dog breed that most values higher education

A lot of them go after their masters.

What do you call a Canadian pit bull?

An Onterrier.

What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy that gave it to him.

Pit Bull at the Funeral

A guy is walking down the street and sees a massive funeral procession. At the front of the line is a man with a pit bull, then 2 coffins, followed by 200 people. Curious, he asks the man what happened.

"Well," says the man, "My pitbull killed my wife last Thursday, then on Friday, he killed ...

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull?

Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,

"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...

What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu?

Yiff.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

What's the difference between a social worker and a pit bull?

At least you can get some of your baby back from a pit bull.

what do you get if you cross a poodle with a pit bull?

not much of a watchdog, but it’s a vicious gossip.

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

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What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a labrador?

A dog that scares the crap out of you then runs off with the toilet paper.

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a pit bull?

The pit bull will eventually let go.

What’s the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?

You let the pit bull finish.

What do you get when you cross a border collie with a pit bull?

A dog that is smart enough to bury the bodies.

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What dog breed is the funniest?

Pit bulls, they leave everyone in stitches.

Disclaimer: I am a pit owner, and I still found this funny. Please don’t inundate me with pro-pitty rebuttals, I already know.

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ...

A Texan Is Walking Around Rural Ireland With A Very Aggressive & Dangerous Looking Pit Bull On A Leash.

He passes a ramshackle farm with an old man standing outside of it leaning on the gatepost & smoking a pipe who is looking very curiously at the pit bull.

Farmer:- "Bejaysus, what kind of dog is that??....NEVER seen one like it before!!"

Texan:- "Well sir, this here is what you cal...

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A challenge you can't win...

A man walks into a bar, and spots a jar full of 20 dollar bills. He asks the bartender what its for. He says "We have a little contest going on. If you put down 20 dollars, you have to walk up to the big guy at the end of the bar and slug him in the face". The man says "Hmm, not bad, I think I could...

Dog fight

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another dri...

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Ten Lines to Get You Out of Jury Duty

1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.

2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.

3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him

4. I think laws are for sissies.

5. Would I have to bathe?

6. Can each of my personalities vote in t...

A man getting coffee sees a weird funeral ...

He sees a funeral with two caskets, about 20 feet back is a man with a pit bull, and then 20 more feet back a line of about 100 men.

The guy getting coffee was curious and walked up to the man with the pit bull and said,”I’m sorry to bother but who is in the first casket?”

the...

What has four legs and an arm?

A happy pit bull.

Jill sees a gorilla in a tree in her yard

So she calls the police informing them of what she has seen. The dispatch informed her to use the phone book to find a gorilla catcher near her.

Sure enough there is a section of gorilla catchers. So she calls and one arrives at her property. Bob shows up with handcuffs, pit bull, and a shot...

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A guy walks into a bar (I know original, right?)

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot. He notices a jar on the bar full of 20 dollar bills and asks the bartender what's up with it. The bartender tells him put a 20 in and he'll give him three tasks, upon completion he'd receive the jar of money. The guy thinks this to be obsurd and decides to k...

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An old woman is in her upstairs bathroom. She looks out the window and sees a gorilla watching her.

She calls 911, fire department, police, no one can help. She goes on google and finds John's gorilla removal service. he comes right out. He ties a pitbull to the base of the tree. He gets a sawed off shotgun out of the van, and gives it to the old woman. He gets a ladder and begins to climb the tre...

A burglar breaks in a house

As he is looking around he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you!" Panicked he looks around but sees nothing and nobody. He keeps searching for loot when again "Jesus is watching you!" This time he does a better search and finally sees a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he asks "Yes, it was me."...

The Dog Pound

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepher...

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A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.

"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."

"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"

"Well, first, you hav...

A burglar is searching for valuables in a house whose residents left for the night when he hears a voice behind him

The voice says: "God the mighty sees all".

Shocked the burglar turns around and searches for the cause of this noise. Using his flashlight he finally finds a parrot sitting in a cage grooming his feather.

The burglar is relieved and continues his search for valuables. He opens a night...

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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for and the bartender goes on to explain that if you put $20 in the jar and complete a challenge you get to keep all the money in the jar. The guy says what the hell and puts $20 in the ...

A burglar breaks into a house late at night.

He’s going through all of the family’s belongings when he hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He looks around and sees no one and think he’s imagining things he goes back to what he’s doing and again hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He shined his flashlight on a cage a...

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A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

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A man looks out of his window and sees a gorilla in the tree in his yard.

Not sure what to do next, he looks at the phone book, and thinks "maybe". So he flips to the G's in the yellow pages, and there it is. Gorilla removal service. So he calls the number and tells the man about his problem. The man says he will be right over. When the man arrives he steps out and takes ...

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A man and his son walk into a bar.

A man and his son walk into a bar. Sitting on the counter is a jar full of cash, labeled "The Challenge Jar". When asked about the jar, the bartender replies: "This is the challenge jar, if you complete three challenges, you get to take home the money. To learn what the challenges are, you need to p...

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A guy walks into a bar

He is drinking, minding his own business, when he sees a huge jar with a bunch of cash in it behind the bar. He asks the bartender, what's that all about? Bartender says, oh that's for anyone that can complete 3 things that are hard to do. The guy is now pretty drunk, feeling bold, and asks what the...

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So a guy walks into a bar...

On the counter, he sees a jar full of money.

He asks the bartender, “How can I get that money?”

She answers, “It’s simple. First, you have to drink an entire bottle of whiskey all at once. Then, there is a rabid pit bull out back and you have to take out it’s achy tooth. Finally, ther...

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Giovanni from the zoo

One day there was a gorilla stuck in Mrs. Johnson’s tree. She called the zoo and they said they’ll send Giovanni over to get him down. 20 minutes later the doorbell rings. Mrs Johnson opens the door and sees Giovanni standing there with a ladder a feather a pit bull and a shotgun. She asks “what’s a...

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Ten bucks says you won't do it.

So this man walks into a bar, and notices a large jar on the counter stuffed with cash. He orders a drink, and he asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the jar?"
The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, complete the challenge, and you win the jar."
"So what's the challenge?"
"Sorry...

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A man wakes up to his wife screaming about a gorilla in the garden.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he staggers to the window just in time to see a huge silverback climb up into a gnarled old oak tree at the bottom of his garden. A little perplexed, he calls the RSPCA and gets put through to the Gorilla Dept.. Turns out this is a common enough occurrence, and before...

Two men are walking by a restaurant

Two men are walking by a restaurant and one of them says, "That smells amazing! Lets get something."

The other man replies, "But they don't let dogs in, what are we going to do with them."

The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, "Follow my le...

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A man had spent all day drinking in a bar

By 10 at night he was incredibly drunk but still wanted more. However, he had run out of money.

"I've got to have another drink," he told the bartender. "Can't you give me one on credit?"

"You know the rules," replied the bartender. "No credit. But I'll tell you what I'll do. It's a ...

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A man wakes up one day to a gorilla in a tree in his front yard

Alarmed, he immediately googles "gorilla exterminator" and calls the local expert.

"Hello? Yes I have a damn silverback in my tree, I need you here right now!"

"No problem man, except my partner is out of town, so I'll need you to help me"

"Fine whatever you need just get her...

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So a man's running up his bill at a bar...

..and the bartender doesn't trust him at all, he thinks the guy's just going to sneak out without paying. He calls the bouncer over and says, "hey buddy, It's time to pay up, don't pull anything funny." The guy pulls out his wallet only to find that he doesn't have any money. "alright," the bartende...

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Tree Gorilla [NSFW]

One morning a man walks out on the back porch to have his morning coffee and looks up to see a gorilla in the tree in his back yard. He runs inside and calls animal control. A short time later the animal control truck shows up and the officer climbs out along with a half blind pit bull. The guy tell...

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A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

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So a guy is having drinks at a bar .....

After a while he looks over and sees a huge jar stuffed to the brim with 20 dollar bills. He asks the bar tender " hey whats with the jar? Theres gotta be at least 4 grand in there?" to which the bar tender replies " oh, you wouldn't wanna know. Its just a running bet" The guy says " try me. I love ...

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The Jar in the Bar

So a man goes out to meet his buddies at a new bar. When he arrives, the first thing he sees is a giant glass jar in the far corner of the room, 7 feet by 6 feet, packed to the brim with $10 bills.

He sits down and asks his buddies, "What's with the jar?"
"No idea" responds his friend, s...

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