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Fir Jokes

I’ve got an allergy to Pine, Fir, and Cedar. …

All I want for Xmas is Yew.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

I got funny looks when I gifted a fir tree as a housewarming gift.

I thought it would spruce the place up a bit.

Two Brothers Move to the City

There were two brothers who lived in the country.

One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs.

The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out ...

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One day the Emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne. By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for fir

st place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I p...

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Two girls die and go to Heaven...

They meet up there, realizing they know each other and are surprised to see the other one dead.

"Wow! What happened to you?" Asks the firs one.

"Hypothermia.. It was soo cold, but after a while I just wanted to sleep and looks like I am never waking up. How about you?"

"Heart at...

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

Does anyone know any good tree puns?

I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.

How to make Bacon-Wrapped Duck at home:

Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil.

Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt.

Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius.

Fill a large glass with wh...

Once upon a time there was a great wizard.

His name was Theaddus.

He had helped solve many people's problems.
People rewarded him for his help.
With all this money he had bought many talking items to spend his time with.

On one of his trips he had found the perfect item for a loner like him. A staff made of fir.

It...

I heard you like tree puns...

Willow Yule please tell me what kind Juniper Fir?

A keyboard walks into a bar

He orders a round of drinks fir everyone. The bartender asks him how he will be paying for the drinks. The keyboard says "just put it on my tab."

Two big trees are talking in the woods.

One big tree says to the other. “Dear Fir, what do you suppose this little bitty tree is between us? Do you think it’s the son of a beech or the son of a birch?”

“I’m afraid I do not know, kind fir,” says the other tree.

In the meantime a woodpecker lands on the baby tree. The first...

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Irish Joke

Paddy walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
Paddy replies with delight "Oh tats good ne...

What do trees wear when it gets cold?

A fir coat.

My cat has been nibbling on the Christmas tree...

Now she's coughing up fir balls.

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A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods..

The bear looks to the rabbit and asks, "hey, do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fir?"
"No, not at all!" the rabbit replied.

So, the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

I drove into the mountains and saw a crew clearcutting a massive evergreen forest...

I wonder what fir.

I had to fire my carpenter

Turns out he was a mahoganist.

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

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Why Santa got involved with Christmas

Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:

Santa: “Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I’d lov...

Back in the days of olde, there was this wizard.

He wasn't a very good wizard, in fact he really only had one spell, he could cause things to swirl. At first this seemed like a rather useless power, until he stopped a thief by making the water in a small creek swirl into a whirlpool as the thief tried to wade across. Later, he foiled an evil kni...

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[NSFW] - A blind man interviews for a job....

...As a quality controller at the local wood mill.


The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.


The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front ...

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

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The Particular Gardener (OC)

A gardener was starting a new job on a beautiful property, its driveway lined with fir trees, peacocks roaming the grounds, and a beautiful water feature in the middle of the round drive-end in front of what could only be described as a mansion.

As he hopped out of his truck this rather elega...

Yall know the one with the airplane safety instruction ?

A business man has to go over sees on a business related trip so he has to take a plane for the firs time in his life . He goes through the whole process and boards the plane sitting down . The safety instruction begins and the flight attendant begin to explain " If any of the engines fail , do not...

A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, h...

An accountant sucks at his job...

After his last warning for not paying attention to detail, an accountant is fired from his job. He decides that the great outdoors is calling him anyway, so it doesn't really bother him. he decides to throw caution to the wind and become a lumberjack despite knowing nothing about the profession. Bec...

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general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

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