What do you get when you touch a phoenix?

Bird-degree burns.

What's a phoenix's favorite snack?

Fire crackers

An elderly couple gets divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any lo...

You know Harry Potter and the order of the Phoenix ?

That’s when they books starting getting dead Sirius

What do you call a flaming bird that can’t fly??

Walking Phoenix

Did you hear that the Great Flying Phoenix decided to get his wings clipped?

Now he just goes by Joaquin Phoenix.

What do you call Joaquin Phoenix when he's walking across a busy road?

Jay Joaquin Phoenix.

What's the opposite of Joaquin Phoenix?

Quinoa Phoenix

What do you call a phoenix with a broken wing?

Joaquin Phoenix.

What is it called when a veterinarian puts your pet phoenix to sleep?

Youthanasia

Joaquin Phoenix won an award for weight loss transformation into Arthur Fleck in "Joker".

Atrophy.

With most colleges going online now, nobody is laughing at University of Phoenix anymore

jk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads..

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidew alks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the May...

Step 1: Have Android phone - Step 2: Say "Ok Google, what are people from Phoenix called?"

I've been here for over fourteen years, it's been all downhill for the last 10.

Engine trouble

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain a...

The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix...

that tweekers are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. <...

One day Joaquin Phoenix will be bitten by a zombie...

...and he will be called the Joaquin Dead

What does Joaquin Phoenix say when a car almost hits him?

''Hey! I'm Joaquin here!''

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man steps into a bar with a bird on a leash walking besides him. he straddles up to the bar and sets the bird on the counter to order a drink.

Every few minutes the bird erupts into flames burns to ash and from the ashes a new baby bird is produced.

After a wile of watching this the bartender leans over to the man and says “you know that bird is really something, what’s your name friend?”

The man looks up to the bartender an...

Old Timers Bar

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me po...

Satan is doing his weekly Hell inspection when he finds a man on fire in a sun chair with a piña colada. He asks him “aren’t you hot?”

No, I’m from Phoenix. It’s rather chilly in here.

A guy dressed as a chicken on fire tried to break into my house.

If phoenix anything I'll be mad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

A boy came to his mother and asked her "Mom, where did I come from?"

The woman explained intercourse, insemination, conception, pregnancy and birth to her son in easy-to-understand terms. However, he still was puzzled, so she asked him "Do you understand what I said?"

The boy replied "Yes, I do, but what I want to know is where I came from. Jimmy in my class s...

Two aircraft mechanics get off work

Two aircraft mechanics get off work at la Guardia, and one says, "Let's go have a beer". The other says, "Why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes like whiskey, and you don't have a hangover in the morning."
So they drink about a quart of it each. It tastes great and they have a good ...

My Parents are Divorcing and Went to Court

The judge asks me who I would want to live with. "I don't want to live with my dad because he beats me, but I don't want to live with my mom because she beats me too," I say. "Then who would you rather live with," the judge asks. "The Phoenix Suns, they never beat anybody".

Hurricane Joaquin

This Category 3 Storm is likely to hit the Eastern US this week.

Good news for Arizona residents: you will not be affected by Joaquin, Phoenix.

Emily and the Apache Woman

Emily was driving in her Chevrolet Bolt along the Interstate 17 in Arizona, on her way home to Phoenix.

Suddenly she saw a poor, elderly Apache woman walking very slowly along the side of the highway.

Recognising that this situation was quite dangerous and feeling sorry for the poor wo...

What do you call a firebird without a ride home?

A Joaquin Phoenix

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Limerick Time: Alice

There once was a woman named Alice,
Who used a TNT stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In South Carolina,
And her titties in Phoenix and Dallas.

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies...

who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour ...

If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes....

Will she be Rivers Phoenix?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

heard this from a friend not sure how popular it is...

Ron and Josh headed out to their favorite bar in Seattle for a night of drinking only to realize that the prices had been raised tremendously. Ron turned to Josh, "This is ridiculous. I'm not paying that." Josh replied "I heard jet fuel gets you really fucked up. If we can sneak into the airport we ...

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