Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

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Colonel Isaev, a veteran of the Great Patriotic War, is invited to a school in Leningrad

He is telling the children about his days as a soldier in the Red Army and his war exploits. When he finishes, he asks the children if they have any questions.

Vovochka raises his hand, and the teacher tenses up.

"When I grow up, I want to be an intelligence officer and protect my Glor...

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

The Air Force is the most patriotic branch of the military

Cuz they USAF

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Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

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During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

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Lighting a firework inside of a porter potty is the most patriotic thing anyone can do.

Because in America, our history is simple: *we blow shit up.*

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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I'm so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer.


I told him to shut his commie mouth.

I never understand why people say that the United States is the most patriotic country in the world

In Russia they manage to get out and vote even after committing suicide!

The Patriotic Ghost

What did the ghost say to his friend on the 4th of July?

Red, white, Boooo!!

What do you call a Patriotic Hulk?

Dr. Star Spangled Banner

What does a patriotic chicken say?

Yankee doodle doo!

I'll see myself out

My wife must be feeling patriotic today...

... because she just declared her independence.

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

No wonder men are more patriotic than women

we have pro-state glands.

What does a patriotic cholo love the most?

You, esse!

The French are the most patriotic country on earth.

They even use their national flag as printer paper.

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An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

Did you hear about the patriotic zombie who wanted to serve his country?

He joined the Marine Corpse.

I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China...

but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.

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A Navy Rhyme

A Navy man, a war hero, attends a lunch at a Ladies’ Patriotic Society. Cucumber sandwiches on crustless bread – he endures it manfully. Then the ladies, who have been at the sherry, ask to hear a Navy rhyme. Ladies, he says, I will accede to your request. But in place of each atrocious word, I will...

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

A little boy in Wuhan finds a bottle...

He rubs it and a genie pops out. “I will give you two wishes as a reward for freeing me,” says the genie. The boy thinks for a second and, as he’s very patriotic, decided on his first wish. “I wish everyone in the world knew about Wuhan!” he declares. “Very well,” says the genie. “And your second wi...

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Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it late...

I tried to date this super-patriotic Chinese girl. She came to the first date wearing a custom cape.

It was a huge red flag.

Remember to let your significant other drink lots of tea today!

It’s patriotic to put tea in the bae.

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