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Patriotic Jokes

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!

Generally, when Communist countries get patriotic…

it’s a big red flag

Putin's propagandists on TV said nuclear war is fine because patriotic Russians will go to Heaven.

Heaven heard it and immediately applied to join NATO!

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

Whats more patriotic than the fourth of July?

The half of July

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

What does a patriotic chicken say?

Yankee doodle doo!

I'll see myself out

What do you call a Patriotic Hulk?

Dr. Star Spangled Banner

The Patriotic Ghost

What did the ghost say to his friend on the 4th of July?

Red, white, Boooo!!

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

My wife must be feeling patriotic today...

... because she just declared her independence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lighting a firework inside of a porter potty is the most patriotic thing anyone can do.

Because in America, our history is simple: *we blow shit up.*

What does a patriotic cholo love the most?

You, esse!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

I never understand why people say that the United States is the most patriotic country in the world

In Russia they manage to get out and vote even after committing suicide!

The French are the most patriotic country on earth.

They even use their national flag as printer paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colonel Isaev, a veteran of the Great Patriotic War, is invited to a school in Leningrad

He is telling the children about his days as a soldier in the Red Army and his war exploits. When he finishes, he asks the children if they have any questions.

Vovochka raises his hand, and the teacher tenses up.

"When I grow up, I want to be an intelligence officer and protect my Glor...

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Comrade Nichiporuk is interrogated by the KGB

An oldie but a goodie:


So, an old peasant named Mykola Nichiporuk is summoned to the KGB. The KGB officer in charge of his interrogation asks, "Comrade Nichiporuk, we have received information that you are receiving money orders from Israel. Why is that?"

Mykola explains, "Well, du...

I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China...

but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary and Trump get into a helicoptor

The helicopter takes off. After 20 mins into the flight there is a constant beeping noise and the pilot seems to be in a panick

Pilot: *Shit, the helicopter is not able to take the weight. I'm unable to control it*

Hillary: *What do we do now?*

Pilot: *one person has to jump out...

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

Did you hear about the patriotic zombie who wanted to serve his country?

He joined the Marine Corpse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it late...

Remember to let your significant other drink lots of tea today!

It’s patriotic to put tea in the bae.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

I tried to date this super-patriotic Chinese girl. She came to the first date wearing a custom cape.

It was a huge red flag.

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