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Flexible Jokes

What's worse than hearing someone brag about how flexible they are?

Watching them toot their own horn.
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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

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My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.

Which kind of car is most flexible?

Mercedes bends.
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Looking for a flexible babysitter.

My girlfriend only does missionary.
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I just got fired for trying to be flexible at work.

My manager asked me to give him a sec so I told him, "I'll give you all the secs you need."
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What does an Al Qaida terrorist and a flexible man have in common?

They can blow themselves
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I was quite flexible when I was younger

The kids used to call me Spiderman because my uncle was murdered.
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Who's the most flexible man in the Bible?

Job - he tied his ass to a tree and walked all the way to Jerusalem

So I was applying for a job and one requirement was to be flexible

I have spinal fusion, guess not.
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I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”
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Russians are very flexible, and are world-class ballerinas, figure skaters, and gymnasts

# This comment deleted to protest Reddit's API change (to reduce the value of Reddit's data).

Please see [these](https://web.archive.org/web/20230609092523/https://old.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/) [threads](https://web.archive.org/web/2...
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I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am...

I said "I can only do Fridays"
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I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?"

I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."
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I used to be flexible back in highschool. In fact all my friends called me Spider-man...

mainly because my uncle was murdered.
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Harley Davidson for sale, mint condition, not a single scratch on it, used as my weekend bike. Very low mileage and I am very flexible on the price...

I originally bought this without consulting my wife.

Apparently “Do whatever the fuck you want” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

Paddy and Mick are heading down to the pub...

...when they see a sign in a shop window
> TREE FELLERS WANTED

> Great Pay
> Flexible Hours
> No Experience Necessary

Paddy turns to Mick and says "What do you reckon?"

Mick replies "It's a shame there's only two of us"
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I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.
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I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'.

It's flexible, It's hard,

And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner.

I said to my gym teacher

How often would I have to come in here to learn to do the splits. He said it depends how flexible are you? I said well I can’t do mondays.
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Fun fact, I actually got a BJ before I had my first kiss.

Yes, I'm that flexible.
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So I went to ask about some yoga classes in my neighbourhood as it's my first time. The instructor asked me if I was flexible...

... I said "I can't do Tuesdays."
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I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.
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I asked my wife if she wanted to play twister.

She said her schedule was flexible enough
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What's a Pirate's favorite programming language?

Python.

It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it.
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Buddy bought Superbowl tickets

A good buddy of mine has 2 Super Bowl tickets, 40 yard line box seats 20 rows up. He paid $4,500 each but he didn't realize when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Probably because of the extra game this year.

If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to t...
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i got drunk and woke up with lipstick stains on my penis.

I'm surprised how flexible i am when I'm drunk

Travel Guru

As a travel guru I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you ha...
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Professor X: what's your super power?

Me: I am really flexible.

*Professor X stares at watch*

Professor X: Looks like we have to reschedule.

Me: ok
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It’s been 10 years since I quit bitting my nails.

Once I hit my mid twenties I was no longer flexible enough to reach my toes.
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I don't wanna blow my own horn....

But I am really flexible
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I called the local gym asking if they can train me to do gymnastics.

They said, "How flexible are you?"




I said, "I'm free Monday, Tuesday, and Friday."
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Job interview for yoga instructor

Guy: so what are the hours like here?

Yoga instructor: ohhh were veryyyy flexible
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Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher?

They are flexible.
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A mime performed at a zoo.

The hours were flexible, and people paid him to act. He figured it was a good gig, so he went along with it. He did it for weeks and weeks, until one day the manager pull him inside. The mime was a bit worried, but he shrugged it off. The manager, looking panicked, said that, recently, the zoo's gre...
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When would you like your yoga class?

I'm flexible.
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A student started his first day at a new school

he noticed that one student gets called spider man all the time and he asked "why do they call you spider man? are you athletic and flexible like him?" the other student replied "No, my uncle is dead!"
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Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...
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Co-workers eyelid story

So I have this co-worker. He's in his mid 60s or so. He was telling me that when he was 14, he was playing baseball and while sliding into 2nd base, the short stops cleat caught him in the eye and tore his eyelid off.
This was in around 1965 or so and skin grafting wasn't really a thing then, so...

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