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Terrified Jokes

I’m terrified of elevators.

So I’m taking steps to mitigate my fears.

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

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me: I’m terrified of random letters

therapist: you are?

me: [screams]

therapist: oh, I see

me: [screaming intensifies]

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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

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A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

I'm terrified of dying alone

That's why I'm getting my pilot's license

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sy...

I’m terrified of elevators.

So I've decided that I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

A terrified mother called 911

"Help me!" she said. "My son just swallowed a fork!"

The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send over an ambulance right away.

"What should I do until it arrives?" the mother asked him.

"Use a spoon"

“Why the sudden terrified expression?”

“I just realized I left my girlfriend hanging last night, she’s gonna kill me.”

“She’s that irate over a text message?”

“No, she’s a ropebunny.”

My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I was terrified to eat the pastry.

Turns out, its a piece of cake.

Aquaman will be most terrified of

Aquaman will be most terrified of Charles, prince of Wales.

After running his fingers over the raised Braille lettering on the surface, the blind man looked terrified

A passing man noticed this and asked him, "What did it say ?".

The blind man responded, "RADIOACTIVE. DO NOT TOUCH"

A timid little man was terrified of flying, and was on a long distance trip.

He was on his first ever flight, and he had the window seat. Besides him sat a giant man, heavily tattooed, and not smelling the cleanest.

After the plane took off, the timid little fellow soon found himself feeling sick. But he didn't know how to get past the large fellow that sat between ...

so we all know 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but you know why 10 was terrified?

because he was in the middle of 9 11

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

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my whole family was astonished and terrified when we learned my grandfather was addicted to Viagra

Especially grandma, she's taking it very hard.

I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said...

"So, how long have you been an instructor?"

Did you hear about the terrified Blacksmith?

They made a bolt for the door.

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!

Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising u...

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I'm terrified of objective statements.

Wait, fuck

To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified

Especially when it's written in Braille.

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A guy arrives in hell and crawls terrified at the feet of Satan.

Satan pets him and says in a soothing voice:

"Why, my good man, why are you so sad?"

The man explains that he is afraid of the torment that awaits him. The Devil then points to a nearby door.

"You see that door over there? Behind that door are as many luscious and horny women as...

I'm terrified of dying alone.

So I've decided to become an airline pilot.

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My wife is terrified of flying.

So before our vacation I took her to see a therapist, the therapist says to her, there is nothing to worry about, when your time is up, your time is up. She shouted out, "What if it's the pilots time up?"

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I'm kinda terrified for 2015

2 + 0 + 1 + 5 = 8.
The EXACT number of nipples Hitler would've had if he had 6 more nipples!

I have been terrified of something being under my bed since I was a child.

So recently I decided to go see a psychiatrist, hoping that there might be a cure. I told the psychiatrist that I have had this horrible fear of something terrible being under my bed, and even now as an adult, I find a can't sleep and am in a constant state of anxiety when I'm in the bed. He said "I...

Dyslexics are terrified of Christmas

They think Satan is coming

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When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

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My friend told me he was terrified of pedophiles...

I told him to grow up.

Patient: I become terrified every time I think of large animals.

Doctor: We can control that with medication, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

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Me: "i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into."

Therapist: "A void."

Me: "Good advice, thank you."

I used to be terrified of gardening..

Until I grew a pear.

I'm terrified of hurdles

I'll get over it.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them?

I don't know, it sounds the same.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

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Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

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A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar and slams his fist down on the bar loudly proclaiming, "I demand a free drink because I'm the toughest motherfucker in here!" The barman, not wanting any trouble, hands the piece of asphalt a beer.

About 20 minutes pass when another piece of asphalt w...

I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.

My dad always took a good swing at me.

I use to be terrified of speed bumps...

But I slowly got over it.

A man is taking an eye exam, but is terrified of letters

During the eye exam, the doctor asks him to cover one eye and read out all the letters from top to bottom.

Man: I can't, I am terribly afraid of random letters.

Doctor: You are?

Man: [Screams]

Doctor: Oh, I see..

Man: [Screams louder]

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As Notre Dame burns, a terrified Quasimodo climbs higher and higher to escape the flames

but of course the poor creature is hopelessly trapped, and the crowd gathering below yell "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"

Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.

Again the flames pursue him, and again the crowd...

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

The other day a group of guys robbed all the anti-depressants from the pharmacy up the street from me and now my whole neighbourhood is terrified

Hope they're happy

A a famous lion in a zoo recently died

Given the popularity of the lion, the zoo doesn't want the public to know this so they make a lion costume and have one of the employees pretend to be the lion.

The employee is very afraid since he would be pretending to be a lion among other lions, if he is found out, the other lions could ...

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

My wife ran inside terrified after throwing rocks and cursing at the people walking towards our house wielding chainsaws this morning...

Can anyone recommend another gardening company?

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