A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them: "Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?" Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!" "Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely \*whales\* from?"

Overhearing my ex...

I once overheard my ex tell her best friend that I was a stalker.
Nearly made me mad enough to come out of her closet
and give her a piece of my mind.

Two monks werewere discussing humility.

"I have been praying and fasting, meditating and studying religion for 20 years. I have finally reached the level of humility. I am truly a nothing." said one monk.

The other monk nodded gravely. "I too have spent my life devoted to serving God. I am also a nothing."

At that moment a j...

Fifty Dollahs Is Fifty Dollahs

Herman and Zelda meet, fall in love, and marry. They're a young couple without much money, but lots of love between them. Every summer, they make a point to attend the county fair because they love walking hand in hand and exploring the attractions. And every summer, there's a helicopter ride at the...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man...

...and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Mexican responds, “How a...

Back Alley Memories

I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wi...

An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, ...

Onboard the Titanic...

While cruising aboard the Titanic, an engineer boasts to his dinner companions, "This ship is so seaworthy that even God can't sink her!"

Overhearing what the engineer said, God started laughing so hard that he spilled his glass of water and ice cubes went flying everywhere.

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A beautiful young blonde boards a flight...

A beautiful young blonde boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class.

When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles."

The stewardess could...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donal Trump are on a plane.

Merkel finds $100 on the floor of the aircraft and says:
"I will throw the money out of the aircraft and make 1 person happy" Putin interrupts her, stating that if they split the $100 bill into 2 $50 bills they can make 2 people happy. Trump insists that they should throw 4 $25 bills and make 4 p...

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy, "O...

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An elderly couple was having dinner at the diner where they had their first date.

The husband said, "it's so nice to be back here after all these years."

"Yes," agreed the wife, "do you remember our first date here 50 years ago?"

"How could I forget?" Answered the husband, "you took me behind that building there across the street and let me put you up against the fe...

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A priest walks into a bar

A priest walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

“Sorry,” says the bartender, “we don’t serve your kind here.”

Baffled, the priest tries to object, but before he can, the bartender walks off. So, furious, the priest just decides to leave. But as he’s walkin...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

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Little Billy came home from school one day...

He asks his mother "Mom, what is a blowjob?"

She stammers, and a look of terror washes over her face as she tries to think of an appropriate response.
Overhearing this, Dad heroically swoops in to her rescue..

"Little Billy, she doesn't know."

$50 is $50

There was a newly married jewish couple called Mike and Ida that lived in a relatively small town. Every year there was a big fair that came to town that Mike and Ida decided to go to when they were 19, and they were blown away with all of the events and festivities. There was one in particular that...

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The Coldest Igloo in the World

Three Eskimos are arguing loudly in a bar. Each is convinced his igloo is the coldest in the world. The bartender, tired of overhearing the argument, suggests, "Why don't you just visit each other's igloos and see for yourselves whose igloo is coldest?" The eskimos agree to this suggestion.

A...

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[nsfw] Voodoo Dick (Long)

Lucia popped into her local South American produce shop on the way home from work (it was enchilada night). While browsing she got a call from her bff Natalie and spent some time talking about the recent divorce, and her lack of sex life. Shortly after hanging up, she was approached by the store cle...

A young girl is at a club and sits down at a table next to thee guys at another table.

The three guys are talking rather energetically, and the girl hears their conversation;

First guy: "It's spelled, W.H.O.O.M....WHOOM!"

The second guy: "No, you're wrong..it's spelled W.H.U.M.E....WHUME!"

Then the third guy: : "You both don't know what you're talking about! It's ...

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An English Man, An Irish Man, and a Scots Man all go to the beach...

As they walk along the sand they see a Mermaid laid up on the rocks, the waves crashing around her. They are all struck by her beauty but are initially scared to approach. The English Man finally does and strikes up a conversation. As they talk he realises she is totally inexperienced with human int...

Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips:

1. Visiting a hospital he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. "I would go in for the police if I were you," the Holy Father said. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me!"

2. "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think ab...

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The Morning Commute (Adapted Chinese Joke)

Two guys carpooling to work approach a stop light while a hot, young girl driving a Porsche pulls up next to them. The passenger says to the driver, "I bet she's the Mistress. At least she doesn't have to work."
The woman overhearing the passenger screams back, "Asshole! If I didn't have a job I...

Two cowboys lean against the rail at their favorite bar...

...and rate women as they go by.

A beautiful brunette passes. The first cowboy says, "I'll give her a 3." The other cowboy nods.

Next, a hot redhead walks by. The second cowboy looks her up and down and says to the first cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4." The first cowboy no...

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An elderly couple celebrate their 50th anniversary.

A man in a restaurant overhears an elderly couple next to him celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Dear do you remember 50 years ago when I proposed to you right here in this same spot?" the old man asks caressing his wife's hand.

"Yes honey I do remember." she replies smiling...

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