Lenses Jokes - 45 Hilarious Lenses Jokes

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"

She said, "but I don't wear glasses."

I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

I ordered some disposable lenses and got an empty box.

They said I must have selected Contactless delivery.

I got some new polarising lenses

I can't decide whether I love or hate them

My girlfriend asked me where her contact lenses were.

I said they were right in front of her eyes

3 blondes walk into a police station...

And we're looking for jobs as detectives.

They meet with the police chief who says, "I'm going to show you a side mugshot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says, "He's only got one eye". The police chief...

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A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understa...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

Last night I slept with my contact lenses on.

My dreams have never been clearer.

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

My wife got mad at me just because I accidentally hoovered up her contact lenses.

To be fair, she was wearing them at the time.

I have used contact lenses my whole life...

I can apply them with my eyes closed.

Was having a problem with one of my contact lenses.

Fortunately, my wife had the solution.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

A man was being given a physical exam by a doctor...

... and the doctor noticed a thick callus on the bridge of the man's nose.
"I wonder what caused that" said the doctor.
"Oh, that is from my glasses" said the man.
"That shouldn't be happening" said the doctor. "Have you tried contact lenses?
"Hell no" said the man. "How much be...

Hilda and Olga

are models doing a photo-shoot.

The photographer changes lenses for like the tenth time.

Hilda says "Why does he keep changing the lens?"

Olga says "He wants to focus."

Hilda says "Okay but first we must take the photos, Ja?"

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

I got pulled over by a state trooper the other day.

Trooper: Your license states that you're required to wear corrective lenses. Where are your glasses?

Me: It's ok. I've got contacts.

Trooper: Listen pal, I don't care who you know!

A police officer stops a driver...

A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."

The guy replies, "I have contacts".

The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

The three blonde detective trainees

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stu...

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

A police captain is quizzing three new trainees.

He shows a photograph of a man to the first trainee. "This is your suspect," he says. "How do you identify him?"

The trainee replies "Simple. He's only got one eye!"

"You idiot!" the captain scolds. "That's because you're looking at a picture from the side of his face! He moves onto th...

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An Italian, an Irishman, and a Polack are in line for a job interview.

The Italian is up first. He walks into the boss’s office and notices the boss is completely ear-less.

The boss says to him “Mr. Marino, I don’t have a lot of time so I’ll get to the point. I like people who are observant and can speak their mind. Say one thing about me!”

The Italian sa...

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...

The Job Interview

Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.

He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.

Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the ot...

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An Irishman is talking with an American at a Music Festival

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is so goddamn overpriced.

American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.

*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un caps the len...

No ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telec...

Broke my good sunglasses...

But instead of buying new ones, I'm just gonna put Trump pictures where the lenses used to be. He seems to be far more polarizing than my Costas ever were.

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So this young man was born without any ears...

Despite his disability, he worked hard and eventually became the hiring manager for a large corporation. One day he is interviewing candidates for a position. Always self-conscious, he asks first candidate "so, do you notice anything strange about me?" The candidate right away replies, "well of cou...

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2 Irishman apply for a job...

2 Irishman apply for a job on a building site, the foreman calls the first one into his office for an interview and straight away, the Irishman notices he looks rather funny.

The foreman does not have ears where they are supposed to be, instead, protruding from his forehead is a gigantic ear,...

A guy walks down the side walk at midnight and sees another guy looking for something on the ground.

First guy: What are you looking for? Do you need any help?

Second guy: Sure, one of my contact lenses fell out.

First guy: Where were you standing where it fell?

Second guy: The other side of the road. But the street lights on that side are down and I can't see a thing.

(...

At The Nikon Headquarters

We need random people in a room to test and sample our new lenses

"A focus group?"

DAMMIT JOHNSON THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES

Obvious, innit?

A guy was very self-conscious, because he'd been born without ears. Despite this, he'd become general manager at his company.

He was still self conscious though, so when interviewing people, he'd ask if they noticed anything about him, anything they could mention about him, and if people re...

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Jim is a man with no ears and he starts his own business

First thing he needs to do is hire an assistant.
As a kid with no ears, Jim was bullied mercilessly and is extremely sensitive about it.
The first interview goes pretty well and Jim asks at the end "do you notice anything different about me"?
The person blurts out "yeah, you don't hav...

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

2 Monocles walk into a bar

The new bartender can tell that they are already well on their way to intoxication but obliges them anyway when they order 2 shots.

As the night goes on they continue to get drunker and drunker and their behaviour becomes obnoxious. From loud arguments to inappropriate comments to women and e...

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An Italian guy, a Russian guy, and a Polish guy are waiting for a job interview.

An Italian guy, a Russian guy, and a Polish guy are sitting in a waiting room, waiting to be called in for a job interview.

The Italian is called into the manager's office first.

The manager is a nice looking, normal guy, but he has no ears. The Italian takes a seat.

"For this ...

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The Boss With No Ears

A successful businessman owns his own company. While he is quite accomplished, he has a very short temper, especially regarding his physical deformity - he was born with no ears.

He is holding interviews with potential new employees. The first interviewee has pretty good credentials, and his ...

Detective Interviewing for a Future Disciple

Before you read: When I say "profile picture" I mean a picture of someone facing the left or the right rather than directly at the camera.

A Detective needs someone to work under him, so he decided to do tryouts and it came down to 3 people. The Detective interviewed each of the future discip...

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3 recent college graduates are looking for a job.

They were in the receptionist's office waiting for their interviews. The first one gets called in.
HR manager: "We are a young growing company and we need people with good powers of observation. I want you to make an observation about anything you see in my office and you tell me all about it"...

Blonde Logic

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
...

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