I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What would you get if a famous French dictator stepped on a landmine
This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔
They call my dick 'the landmine'...
because the second anyone touches it, it explodes :(
Why don't landmines work on Africans?
Because they aren't heavy enough to set it off
A new doctor goes to work for a year in Cambodia, where people still get maimed from landmines left over from the Vietnam War era
In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amput...
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
What do you do if you step on a landmine?
Well standard procedure is to jump 50 feet and spread over a wide area.
A recently recruited soldier approaches his training officer and asks him: -Sir, I have a question. What do I do if I step on a landmine? -Well, son, the standard procedure in this case would be to rise about 20 feet into the air and then spread around a large territory.
I wasn't close to my dad when he died
Which is lucky, because he stepped on a landmine
A man is walking in the desert in Saudi Arabia.
As he's walking, a local man on a camel begins to come into view. The tourist turned and could see that a woman was walking behind the local man on the camel. The tourist asked the man:
"Who is that?"
"That is my wife," he replied.
"Wouldn't it be kinder to let her ride the came...
Back in Vietnam
A man sees husband and wife walking, the man is on the front with a bike and behind him comes the wife pulling wagons with all of their belongings.
The man asks the husband, why this way.
The man replies: "tradition"
The next day the man sees this couple again walking down the r...
The curse of the coffin
Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...
The Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes
Here are the Top 10 2017 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes!
1. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” Ken Cheng
2. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle
3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical q...
A man was relaxing on a long flight...
A man was relaxing on a long flight keeping to himself when he starts to get bored. He starts looking around the cabin and notices that he's sitting next to the Pope who's doing a crossword. He starts to think this will be an interesting story to tell his friends back home when he feels a tug at his...
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.
The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality. "No" the man replied. "Landmines."
What goes cluck, cluck, cluck, boom?
A chicken stepping on a landmine.
What's cheaper than a wall?
Vice Executive: We really should stop testing our products on children?
Senior Executive: If we didn't test our products on these poor kids, how would we truly know if they are fit for purpose, it's just quality control.
Vice Executive: But Sir, we manufacture landmines!.
The Italian bride
A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...
An American soldier is deployed to Iraq...
An American soldier is deployed to Iraq around 2005. One of the first things he noticed upon arrival was that women walked about 10 paces behind their husbands. He had never seen this before and asked his commanding officer why they did that.
"Iraq isn't as advanced as the US and women don't...
Do you know why the government is important?
It isn't, now have a landmine.
Quick! Invest now! Theres a company in England that is now manufacturing landmines that look like prayre mats! The main factorty is in the middle east, where prophets are going through the roof!