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Labrador Jokes

What do you call a labrador that becomes a magician?

A Labracadabrador.

PS: Google assistant

Did you guys hear about the labrador who left her puppies in the street?

She was fined for littering.

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A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.

*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*

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A Labrador, a Golden Retriever & a Chihuahua...

are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They’re speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and ...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and a Labrador?????????????

A hot diggity Dog.

My friend was thinking of getting a labrador.

I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"

What do you call a Labrador who does Magic?

Labrakadabrador

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

The man who cross breeds labradors and poodles will be adequate for the job at hand.

The labradoodle dude'll do.

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind

A labrador picks up Mjölnir and goes to medical school

Guess he’s a DogThor now.

I took my Labrador to the vets for a CAT scan...

Turns out she is a dog.

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What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a labrador?

A dog that scares the crap out of you then runs off with the toilet paper.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A drunk guy was walking on his way home from the bar..

Along the way, he came across a man and his dog..

Drunk Guy: "Hey there! That's a nice monkey you got with you."

Confused, the man replied, "Uhm, sir, you might have had too many drinks for the night. This is Scotty, my Labrador."

Enraged, the drunk guy replied, "I wasn't talkin...

A guy says to his buddy, "I'm thinking about buying a labrador."

His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Two Labradors were sitting in a Bar , drinking beer

The first Labrador whispers to the other " I went to bed with your mother , last night "

The second Labrador ignored it and carried on drinking beer.

The first Labrador shouts this time " did you hear me ? I went to bed with your mom , last night ? "

The other Labrador shook h...

Inspired by "A man walks into a bar with a labrador"

Made me think of this gem:

Why dont blind people go skydiving?

It scares the sh*t out of the dog.

I just watched an Imam trying to perform a tracheotomy on a Labrador while free-falling at 10,000 feet...

... I'm not sure extreme vetting for Muslims is such a good idea.

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A Labrador, Rottweiler and German Shepard are sitting in the waiting room of the Vet clinic...

The Labrador looks over to the other two and asks

"What're you boys in for?"

The Rottie says "Ahh man, well for years the Mailman's been taunting me, and just the other day I found the back gate open as he arrived. I knew this would be my fate, but I couldn't help myself and I bit him...

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A scientist with a cage is running down a street when he bumped into someone. The cage fell and several Labrador puppies fell out.

He yells at the guy, "Watch out, those are my fucking Lab results!"

A woman brought her hamster to the vet

A women brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and request further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his had and leaves th...

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Singles Ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your h...

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

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How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!...

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Talking Dog Act

The sign says “World Famous Talking Dog Act”, and the people gather around, interested, but skeptical.
The man brings out his dog, a yellow Labrador Retriever, and starts the show.
“Heya, Skippy, these people want to hear you talk, tell them how you flight into the airport was yesterday.”
“...

A week from today, I'm going to an event at a dog genetics testing facility.

It's called the Labor Day Labrador Laboratory.

My mate set me up with a blind date.

Things got off to a bad start when I tripped on her stick and her Labrador bit me.

The vet's office

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man,...

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Some guy who wasn't looking where he was going hit me with a stick today

So I beat the shit out of him.

And for good measure kicked his Labrador too.

A man goes to the vet

A man goes to the vet with his dog, and says "there's something wrong, I can't get her to wake up!"

So the vet brings the man to the examination room, and puts a stethoscope to the dogs chest and mournfully says "I'm sorry sir, your dog is dead"

The main sobs and says "isn't there anyt...

This lady had a sick duck she took in to the vet.

This lady had a sick duck she took in to the vet to have it checked out. The vet looked at the duck and said, " Lady, your duck is dead."

"Oh no, this cannot be. Please isn't there something you can do. My duck cannot be dead," said the lady.

So the vet brought in a Labrador Retrieve...

3 dogs are at the vet

There's a poodle, pitbull, and a Labrador at the vet. While each of them waits in line for their turn they start to talk and ask each other why they're there.


The pitbull says "I bit the neighbors dog so they're putting me down".

The poodle says "I'm an old dog, I've had 17 gre...

I saw a "Missing Dog" poster

It read:

**Missing Dog!**

Description :

* Male Labrador
* 3 years old
* Missing an ear
* Missing a leg
* Partially sighted
* Has lost large portion of his tail
* Castrated
* Has onset of mange



* Answers to the name of "Lucky"

A woman walks in to the vets with her dead parrot...

'Please help me there's something wrong with my parrot' she tells him.
The vet takes one look at says 'i believe he's dead.'
The woman refuses to believe it and demands that he does something so the vet says 'Okay mam i'll go and get my magic labrador'. The vet then returns to the room with th...

A guy goes to a hospital and this happens:

He lies down on the bed thingy and waits.
A big black Labrador comes in and sniffs the dude from head to toe. Then, a cat comes in and checks him out. A month later, he gets a bill for $1,500.

"What was this for?!" he said as he was on the phone with the doctor.

"Oh," she said, lo...

Did you hear about the blind fella going from house to house trying to sell his dog?

He was Labrador-to-door salesman

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A gang of stray dogs is hanging out together in the local dog park...

A rottweiler, a great dane, a labrador and of course a tiny chihuahua just glad to be accepted by such high company. They're discussing the sorts of things male dogs discuss when a babelicious poodle struts herself on up. A real high breed, classy bitch.
"Hello boys," She greets, "I tell you w...

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

What do you call a smart blonde?

A Labrador retriever

A man takes his dog to the vet.

A man's dog is very sick and won't do anything but lay down. The man takes his dog to the vet and asks the vet to run some tests. The vet brings in a cat and sits the cat next to the dog. The dog doesn't react. The vet takes the cat away then brings in a Labrador who starts barking at the sick dog. ...

The intelligent dog

Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero’s escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
“Excuse me,” she said, tapping Roxy’s owner on the shoulder, “that dog is extraordinary....

A man goes to a vet with a sick chihuahua

A man takes his sick chihuahua to the vet. They're immediately taken back to the room.

Soon, a labrador walks in, sniffs the chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and ...

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A guy walks up to a bar with his chihuahua and sees a sign that says ‘no dogs allowed’

He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks inside with his dog.

Bartender: Sorry man, you can’t bring your dog in here.

Guy: But he’s my seeing-eye dog.

Bartender: Ah come on, seeing-eye dogs are always Labradors or golden retrievers!

Guy: Wait what? WELL WHAT THE FUCK HA...

Stay Stay!!!!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backw...

A bar owner and his dog

There was a bar owner that recently adopted a pet Labrador. The dog instantly became a good friend to the pub regulars and was not long officially made the pub mascot. The mutt became a part of the pub, and everyone who went there was greeted by the licks and unconditional love of the creature.
...

Cats and Dogs

God was relieving St. Peter at the Pearly Gates one day when 2 dogs and a cat arrived.

God said to the first dog, a labrador, "Why should I allow you into heaven ?"

The dog replied "I was a loyal dog to my master and I drowned after I had saved his baby son in a flood"

"Excellen...

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Going to the Doctor

A man has been feeling a terrible aching feeling in his gut, and recently upon checking it in the shower, he thought he felt a lump! So the man immediately schedules an appointment to go to the doctor's. The following week, at the doctor's office, the doctor inspects the area, and asks the man sever...

This guy takes his sick parrot to the vet...

The vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the guy, "How can you so sure? I’d like a second opinion."
The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up ...

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The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador. Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier...

An Irish man is walking his poodle

And his friend calls him and says they are giving away free beer for the next hour Inthe pub down the road.

So the Irish man runs with the dog to the pub as fast as he can.

When he gets there the door man says "sorry no pets."

The Irish man says "I'm blind this is my seeing eye ...

A woman goes into vet because of her bird

A woman goes into vet because of her bird, after about an hour the doctor comes out and the conversation begins.

Doctor: “I’m sorry but your bird is dead”

Owner: “Is there anything you can do?”

Doctor: “Well we can try but I cannot promise anything.”

The doctor brings in...

A woman brings her budgie to the vet's.

It is lying very still and limp. "I'm afraid it's dead" says the vet, but the woman refuses to believe him. "Please", she says, "can't you examine it at least?" The vet goes to the door and whistles. In trots a black Labrador. The vet points to the budgie, and the dog goes over to the table, puts hi...

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An Englishman, an American, and an Asian are sitting at the bar...

Sharing stories over drinks. The subject of dogs comes up to which the Englishman says:

"Oh I could never own a dog." The other two ask him if he doesn't like dogs, to which he replies "I like dogs well enough, but my problem is that they chew everything they get near. I had a friend over onc...

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot and places the parrot, stiff as a board, onto the vets desk.

"Doctor I think my parrot is sick. Please make him well again!"

The vet takes a look at the parrot and puts his stethoscope on the parrots chest and listens solemnly for a few mo...

So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk...

Jokes about Dad's new glasses

My Dad needs glasses for the first time. He's in his 50s and needs them for reading small print. Happens to most people with age. No biggie...
-
However, I have worn glasses from a young age and he mocked me mercilessly for being a specky four-eyes with neverending delight. So now I have my op...

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Sniffer dog on a plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second ma...

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The Purina Diet

A friend of mine has a big Labrador Retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Walmart for him, a woman behind me in the checkout line asked if it was for a dog. (duh)
On impulse, I told her no. I explained that I was starting the Purina diet again, although I probably shouldn't be...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

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