UPJOKE

Any Time Jokes

My doctor said I might have a stroke at any time.

Boy are my arms tired

Today, the girl next door gave me her number and said I could call her any time.

I looked at her and said: "Well, that's a funny name."

I went into a restaurant that said they'd serve breakfast any time...

so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance

The urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" may come any time

It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

Professor Stone: "To the geologist a thousand years or so are not counted as any time at all."

Man in the Audience: "Great Scott! And to think I made a temporary loan of two pounds to a man who holds such views."



Source: 1913 newspaper

I can get laid any time I want.

Of course, that's one of the perks of being a coroner.

The restaurant's menu said "Breakfast Any Time"

So I ordered steak n' eggs from the Renaissance Period.

my doctor told me i can have a stroke at any time.

take that r/nofap !

Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?

Because she's an on-call-ogist

Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.

Anyone can use my lawn mower at any time

Given that they don't leave my yard

I told the bartender he could borrow my blowup doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah..." I said. "But you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"

My response any time my boss tells me they need people to help cover shifts this week:

That sounds like a personnel problem.

I had this thought that I could increment by one any time I wanted to enumerate something...

It's the thought that counts.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

Why didn't the Chinese guy get any time off from work when he told them about his son's death?

They didn't bereave him

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

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A businessman, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar.

They grab a table, order drinks, and begin commiserating about work.

The businessman starts. He says: "I've been dealing with this investor who's financing my company. Every time I ask this guy for even a bit of slack when revenue is tight he comes down on me like he thinks I'm good for nothi...

A Joke for a Sunday

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a m...

CHRIS: Hey can I borrow a ten?

KRISTEN: Sure

CHRISTEN: Thanks!

KRIS: Any time!

when does the liquor store open?

A man calls the owner of a liquor store one evening. What time do you open the store tomorrow morning? The owner answers - we open at nine, Sir, good bye.

A few hours later the same man calls again and asks the same question, only this time he is a bit tipsy. I already told you Sir - we open...

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

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