UPJOKE
french languagehaveenglish languagespanish languagegerman languagesabbreviationacronymsemanticphoneticclippingportmanteauhasn'thadn'tapostrophe

Haven't Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...
upvote downvote report

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
upvote downvote report

What do you use when you haven't got a condom?

A fake name.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
upvote downvote report

One morning Snow White said to her prince, "I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."

The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.

"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.

"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.

"What happened?"

"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."

"That doesn't sound like...
upvote downvote report

Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!

Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.
upvote downvote report

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies
upvote downvote report

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.
upvote downvote report

I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography.

That's the story of my life.
upvote downvote report

Doctor: "You're terminal. You haven't more than six months left to live."

"I want a second opinion."
"You're also ugly."
upvote downvote report

Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".


She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".


The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".
upvote downvote report

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.
upvote downvote report

After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.
upvote downvote report

I haven't worn clothes for 12 months.

I'm on a 1 year streak.
upvote downvote report

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded Jew?

All the ones I have met have been Jew-ish
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm 45 and I still haven't lost my virginity yet, but I'm proud of it.

You wanna know why? Because I'm not a "loser".

I haven't kept up my subscription to Scrabble Club.

Now they're sending me threatening letters.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex in so long...

I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Haven't done that in a year..

A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:

"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."

The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to th...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know why they haven't put any advertisements on the hulk

He is essentially a giant banner

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How To Convince Your Wife You Haven't Been Drinking

A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes,

"I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me."

The bartender says, "Don't worry,
here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, a...

Why haven't the Democrats made any big moves towards the upcoming election yet?

Because they are Biden their time
upvote downvote report

I'm rather ashamed to say I haven't cleaned my mirror in years.

It reflects badly on me.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends, Sarah and Kate, who haven't met in a while, run into each other.

Sarah: You know, my boyfriend bought me a Mercedes two weeks ago.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: And yesterday, he gave me a pearl necklace.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: And in a month, we are going on a three-week-long vacation on Hawaii.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: Thanks. But,...

No, I haven't made any dementia jokes.

I would have remembered if I did
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bet you haven't heard this one...

There was a group of elderly gentlemen who gathered every week to a sauna and tell jokes and have a few good laughs. Over the years they started to give numbers to the oldest jokes so they did not need to bother and tell the whole joke. As time passed a couple of their sons joined the joke-club and ...

Haven't worn a bra in 4 days....

I love being a man
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex in so long

sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before.

So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this:

So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the control...

I haven't seen this one here.

Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied
"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."
upvote downvote report

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.
upvote downvote report

I haven't showered for 10 days

Because that would use too much water
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you haven't had a vagina around your neck...

You haven't lived.

Happy Mother's Day!

A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'

'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'
upvote downvote report

An oldie, hopefully you haven't heard it before

A sickly vampire was talking to his three sons

"To decide who's going to have my inheritance", he said to them, "I have a challenge. Whoever brings me the most blood by the end of the day, gets my money".

The three sons set off, each excited to be the heir.

After about half an h...
upvote downvote report

What do you call a fish you haven't put on the scale yet?

*The one you gotta weigh...*
upvote downvote report

I haven't understood a single joke since this quarantine started.

They must all be inside jokes.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To the people who haven't pooped today

Why are you still holding on to last year's shit?



Happy new year

I haven't seen my wife in 2 days

I came home from work the other day and said, "It's raining cats and dogs out there!"

My wife asked, "Why do you say that?"

I said, "Because I just stepped into a poodle."



The swelling in my eyes has gone down enough that I think I'll be able to see her tonight.
upvote downvote report

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".

She replies "where do you get the self control?"
upvote downvote report

very old jokes, but I haven't seen them here before

A male bovine has unfortunately just swallowed a ticking time bomb. How would you describe this situation in one word?

Abominable.

Five minutes later the bomb has detonated leaving little beyond a small hole in the ground. What one word describes the new situation?

Noble.
upvote downvote report

I haven't heard anything from Lara Croft recently.

She's really gone off the raider.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't masturbated in years

it wasn't hard.

Probably a repost, but I haven't seen it here...

A Jewish man dies and goes to Heaven.

When he gets there, he meets God, who tells him that he has to tell a good joke to be admitted.

The Jewish man tells him a joke about the Holocaust.

God looks puzzled, scratches his head, and says, "I don't get it."

The Jewish ...
upvote downvote report

I joined a carpenters class last week, but I haven't made anything yet.

We've only just begun.
upvote downvote report

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...
upvote downvote report

I haven't slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

-Mitch Hedberg
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

You're not stupid if you haven't been to university

Einstein never went to university and he was the first man to climb mount Everest
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why I haven't lost my virginity?

Because I never lose.

Haven't played chess in a year

Did they nerf the queen yet?
upvote downvote report

For the couple of people that haven't seen this one yet.

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this'

Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doi...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Haven't taken a dump in 4 days and I feel fine.

Then again, I could just be full of shit.

Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport?

Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.
upvote downvote report

ever since COVID I haven't been able to get my favorite bagel.

This everything shortage is really is getting out of hand.
upvote downvote report

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex since 1994

This isn't a time format joke.

I'm just an almost 24 year old virgin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex since this pandemic started

I wish I could say the same for my wife.

I haven't told my parents about my girlfriend yet...

She's getting married and I was invited to the wedding
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex in so long...

I ran across the parking lot in flip flops just so I could remember the sound.

Dad: I haven't showered since last year

Me: You're too early, it's not 2020 yet!

Dad: Does that make a difference?
upvote downvote report

I haven't heard from my son in 2 weeks.

He must be playing that Fortnight game.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old lawyers who haven't seen each other in years finally get together to have some lunch.

"Life is good," one says, but lately I've noticed I've been getting pretty old. Like, I've been having a Freudian slip or two."

"How do you mean?" says the other.

"Well for instance, last week I was at the train station and I was headed to Pittsburgh. And when I walked up to the counte...

I haven't seen my Haphephobia friend in awhile

After talking with her I said I'll be in touch
upvote downvote report

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
upvote downvote report

"I haven't laughed since my wife died."

"Why did you laugh when your wife died?"
upvote downvote report

Lately, my jokes haven't been received well

This pandemic thing is hitting the shipping business hard
upvote downvote report

I haven't chosen what to name my brand of reusable condoms

but the slogan will be "please come again."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't jerked off in almost a month

I guess you can say I haven't been feeling myself lately

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: "Doc, I haven't been feeling myself lately"

Doctor: "so the new treatment for your compulsive masturbation works after all"

I haven't slept for 30 days!

I sleep at night instead.
upvote downvote report

I haven't seen shelves this empty

Since Paris Hilton showed me her personal library
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Traditional Japanese outfits are so cool! If you haven't tried one on...

Yukata!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.


The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and ...

"Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."

A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't thi...
upvote downvote report

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"
upvote downvote report

Sven: I haven't talked to my wife for 3 days.

Olaf: Well whys that?

Sven: I don't like to interrupt.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex in a while.

Starting to think I should setup a gofuckme page.

Why haven't we found aliens yet?

Because they are searching for intelligent life too.
upvote downvote report

I haven't showered since the last decade.

Edit: woops. I thought this was r/confessions
upvote downvote report

Patient: Doctor, these therapy sessions haven't really helped me.

Psychiatrist: You've just recently started, you have to give it time. So far you've only come here for a total of 8 or 9 hundred dollars.
upvote downvote report

Still haven't gotten over Norm's passing, need something to take my mind off it.

Meet me under the Queensborough Bridge
upvote downvote report

COVID-19 has been around for 2 years now and I haven't even caught it once!

Even a global pandemic doesn't want me.
upvote downvote report

Why the Martians haven't contacted us?

They missed the opportunity
upvote downvote report

We haven't found a solution for climate change yet, but...

...we're definitely getting warmer.
upvote downvote report

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches. Wife: Ok just throw them out.

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase : Look I'm as suprised as you are
upvote downvote report

No, you haven't invented a new colour...

It's just a pigment of your imagination!
upvote downvote report

"Hey, Ryo, it's been a while! How have you been? Wow, you've really changed your look. I'm surprised you dyed your hair blonde! And it looks like you've grown taller too, haven't you?"

"Huh? But I'm not Ryo..."

"What!? Your name changed too?"
upvote downvote report

Doctor: " Good morning, Mrs Farokh. Haven't seen you for a long time."

Mrs Farokh: " I know, doctor. It's because I've been ill."
upvote downvote report

I haven't seen my friend since he started working for Finland's national airline

He disappeared into Finnair.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Haven't seen this one on reddit yet

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in separate planes flying over there respective countries.
The Englishman looks out the window and tosses out a crate of tea and states "I give the gift of tea to my people".
The Frenchman looks out his window and tosses a case of crosses out...

I haven't shaved my mustache since the lockdown begun...

And it's kind of growing on me.
upvote downvote report

I haven't made egg jokes in a while

I thought I'd take a crack at them
upvote downvote report

I haven't always believed in climate change

But I'm warming up to the theory.
upvote downvote report

The city officials haven't decide whether or not to tear down the graveyard

So for now...remains to be seen
upvote downvote report

"Sorry," says the bartender, "I've run out of jokes. Besides, haven't you got this backwards?"

A punchline walks into a bar.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

I haven't told my wife that I'm an objectophilic pyromaniac...

.. but I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who haven't taken a crap yet today...

...stop holding onto yesterday's shit!

I haven't seen much steak jokes.

They're pretty rare.
upvote downvote report

My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told my GF: “We haven't had sex for almost a month.”

She replied: “Speak for yourself.”

I realized that haven't done the Hokey Pokey in over 10 years.

I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.
upvote downvote report

American wife: Look, i haven't wore this in ten years and it still fits!

Husband: For God's sake. It's a scarf...
upvote downvote report

I haven't taken a bath since last year!

and by tomorrow, it'll be two
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information