Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't made up my mind around masturbation

Cuz on one hand it feels good.

-Bo Burnham

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews... but we only had one star

I haven't chosen what to name my brand of reusable condoms

but the slogan will be "please come again."

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation..

If you haven't been to church in a long time, does Jesus treat you like your mom when you sneak home after curfew...?

"***My*** Father and I were worried sick!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

very old jokes, but I haven't seen them here before

A male bovine has unfortunately just swallowed a ticking time bomb. How would you describe this situation in one word?

Abominable.

Five minutes later the bomb has detonated leaving little beyond a small hole in the ground. What one word describes the new situation?

Noble.

I haven't showered for 10 days

Because that would use too much water

I haven't told my parents about my girlfriend yet...

She's getting married and I was invited to the wedding

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex since this pandemic started

I wish I could say the same for my wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't masturbated in years

it wasn't hard.

Haven't played chess in a year

Did they nerf the queen yet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(I saw this as a meme, but haven't found it on this sub yet so here it goes) Pixar's movies always have the same idea

What if x has feelings?

Examples:

Toy Story: What if toys have feelings

Cars: What if cars have feelings

Inside Out: What if feelings have feelings

Soul: What if black people have feelings?

I haven't seen my Haphephobia friend in awhile

After talking with her I said I'll be in touch

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't.

I don’t geddit.

Eddits:

Courtesy to The_maxi : I propose to add a function to remove awards and name it “regreddit“

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped.

And I think it's going to be a long, long time

American wife: Look, i haven't wore this in ten years and it still fits!

Husband: For God's sake. It's a scarf...

I haven't seen my friend since he started working for Finland's national airline

He disappeared into Finnair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.


The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and ...

The city officials haven't decide whether or not to tear down the graveyard

So for now...remains to be seen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: "Doc, I haven't been feeling myself lately"

Doctor: "so the new treatment for your compulsive masturbation works after all"

You're not stupid if you haven't been to university

Einstein never went to university and he was the first man to climb mount Everest

Doctor: " Good morning, Mrs Farokh. Haven't seen you for a long time."

Mrs Farokh: " I know, doctor. It's because I've been ill."

It's new year, I can officially say that I haven't showered since last year

And a half.

Sven: I haven't talked to my wife for 3 days.

Olaf: Well whys that?

Sven: I don't like to interrupt.

Since I haven't cut my hair since the lockdowns, I told my wife, "My hair is longer than my johnson."

She said, "that's not saying much."

I haven't understood a single joke since this quarantine started.

They must all be inside jokes.

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

Lately, my jokes haven't been received well

This pandemic thing is hitting the shipping business hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

There are 5 places in my house that haven't been cleaned out in years.

I'd better go to the pharmacy and get some laxatives.

"Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."

A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't thi...

I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks,

I don't want to interrupt her.

How about a joke translated from Chinese? Haven't seen one of those on here yet.

The boss asked his secretary to bring in all the job applications for the open position. She walked into his office and put a big stack of papers in front of him on his desk.

He picked up the stack, turned it face down and started randomly flipping through them, pulling out the ones he sto...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know why they haven't put any advertisements on the hulk

He is essentially a giant banner

I haven't shaved my mustache since the lockdown begun...

And it's kind of growing on me.

Dad: I haven't showered since last year

Me: You're too early, it's not 2020 yet!

Dad: Does that make a difference?

I haven't showered since COVID-19 hit the US . . .

Not because I'm lazy, it really helps with the social distancing . . .

A beautiful young woman who is very liberated, walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "I'll take a cold beer!" The bartender serves her the beer and stares at her, not moving. "What's wrong?" she says "Haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"

"Yes, many times!" the bartender replies
Then why do you look? the woman asks.
"I want to see where you're going to get the money to pay for the beer!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How To Convince Your Wife You Haven't Been Drinking

A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes,

"I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me."

The bartender says, "Don't worry,
here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, a...

A woman plans to pay her sister a visit. They haven't seen one another for years, since her sister moved to New York.

"So, Rebecca- what's the best way I should find your apartment?"

"Well, Miriam it's real easy. When you leave the subway you'll see the great big tower-block, the one with the revolving glass-door to your immediate right. Give it a shove with your foot and scuttle inside while it's turning. S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

I haven't told my wife that I'm an objectophilic pyromaniac...

.. but I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.

"I haven't laughed since my wife died."

"Why did you laugh when your wife died?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex in so long

sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.

How come U2 band members still haven't found what they're looking for?

Because the streets have no names!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded Jew?

All the ones I have met have been Jew-ish

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches. Wife: Ok just throw them out.

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase : Look I'm as suprised as you are

I haven't seen shelves this empty

Since Paris Hilton showed me her personal library

I'm sorry I haven't got back to you but I've been handcuffed to a panda

So bear with me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex in so long...

I ran across the parking lot in flip flops just so I could remember the sound.

I haven't slept for 30 days!

I sleep at night instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex in a while.

Starting to think I should setup a gofuckme page.

We haven't found a solution for climate change yet, but...

...we're definitely getting warmer.

I haven't had a new thought in a month

It's all reposts

Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..

Unfortunately, the shape is potato.

After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

I haven't showered since the last decade.

Edit: woops. I thought this was r/confessions

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

My wife didn't speak to me for 3 days last week and I haven't got a clue what I did to cause it.

Which is a shame because I'd like to do it again next week.

I asked my friend if she has ever smelled moth balls..."she said of course I have and you haven't?"

I told her no because I couldn't get his little legs apart.

I just upgraded the office network after-hours and left home for the day. I haven't heard anything from the employees who started work this morning.

I guess you could say I've created Schrödinger's network - until I go there I won't know whether everything's working, or if they're cut off from the outside world.

I joined a gym 6 months ago, but I still haven't seen any results

I think I'm going to have to go there in person and talk to the manager.

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".

She replies "where do you get the self control?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband says to wife (haven't seen this one on here, sorry if posted before)

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She responds, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends. "

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.