I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.

The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How coul...

After getting married the wife and I gradually stopped making public displays of affection...

... along with all other displays of affection.

My teacher talks all the time about tolerance of others: "Tolerance is the key to a peaceful society." So I heeded her advice and gradually became more tolerant.

Then I overdosed.

I'm gradually figuring out what the best lighting options are for my house.

It's a process of illumination.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

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My old man sent me this gem! Had a good laugh

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
<...

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.


The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

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A man had 3 testicles.

There was a boy who started developing an extra testicle as he hit puberty. Gradually, it grew to full size and when he became sexually active by the age of 18, the extra testicle led to embarrassing encounters with his partners.

After his 20th birthday, he realised that he had been ignoring...

Cat

A man who lived at home with his grand ma and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to tell him of any emergencies.

A few days into his trip, his cat slipped while climbing the roof, fell off and died. His friend immediately texts him with the message: “Your...

A couple with a rough patch go to councelling

A married couple hit a rough patch, so they book to see a relationship counsellor. The counsellor tries a few therapy techniques, but nothing works, it's like talking to two brick walls. Finally, he picks up a bass guitar and starts to play, simple at first, then gradually more and more intricate. T...

A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements. Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another green...

How Canada got it's name, eh

Three men were hiking in the wilds north of America, in the country that is now known as Canada.

They gradually realize that they are exploring undiscovered territory.

Man 1 looks at his buddies, clearly excited.

“I think we discovered a new land, eh!” He says enthusiastically.<...

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding...

.....but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you ...

A man takes a 4 day business trip

A man takes a 4 day business trip and has his brother to watch his cat. Each day he calls home and asks how his cat is. Each day his brother says everything is fine. When the man returns from his trip, his brother is waiting by the door. "How's my cat?" the man asks. His brother replies, "I'm sorry,...

It's 5 o'clock. See ya. I'm gonna make like a banana and

lay around unused, gradually festering until I start to attract flies.

Jesus is wandering through the desert

Jesus is wandering through the desert, desperately seeking his father. It has been 40 days and 40 nights since he last rested or had a meal and he is exhausted.

Just as he thinks he can't take it any more, he sees a figure on the distant horizon. He manages to summon up the energy to stumble ...

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[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

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I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.<...

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The hypnotist

A renowned hypnotist is attempting a mass hypnotism in a large auditorium. There are over 15,000 people there listening with rapt attention. The hypnotist pulls out a very nice golden pocket watch and holds it up for the entire crowd to see. He begins by saying:
"This is a watch passed down from ...

A man and his wife are driving home one night...

when a cop pulls them over. As they're sitting there waiting, the man realizes he doesn't have his seat belt on and nonchalantly puts it on before the cop walks up.

"Do you know why I pulled you over" the cop asks.
"No officer" the man replies.
"You were driving without a seat belt."...

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I was alone

on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me. I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.



She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I co...

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Swedish Massage

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young and stunning attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his body. The guy was getting sexually excited as she approached the towel. The ...

A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.

He clears his throat and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".

No one speaks up. Gradually the co...

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Susan at Bible Shool

Susan was a good little Christian girl, but one Saturday night, she stayed up way to late. So when Sunday rolled around and it came time for Sunday School, she finally forced herself to go. Upon her arrival she figured it wasn't all that important as it was the same lesson from 3 weeks ago. She doze...

I used to be friends with a lot of metalheads.

But then, gradually, our relationships got a little bit rusty.

Twins

A woman gives birth to twins. At age 8, one twin notices that his brother is about an inch taller than he is, but doesn't think much of it. At age 10, his brother appears to be two inches taller, and naturally the shorter boy begins to get discouraged. When they reach the age of 12, the shorter b...

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New Breast Enlargement Technique

(This joke needs bodily movements to get its full effect, so it won't be quite as funny just reading it. It needs to be done live & out loud, so steal at will!)


A woman goes into surgery for breast augmentation, as she had a very flat chest that she was self-conscious about. When sh...

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Three programmers were condemned to death by....

Three tech gurus were sentenced to be executed. They were to be executed by a century old guillotine. The first guy, a microsoft engineer is secured at the bottom of the frame. The blade is released but slows down gradually and stops a few inches before the nape of his neck.

Considering it as...

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