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Footbal Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

I found a used football in a second hand store...

I picked it up and took it to the counter.

"How much is this?" I asked

"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"

"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.

So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good...

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

19:45 We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me?

22:00 Of course I choose you, honey!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her...

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What do you call 2 nuns and a Prostitute on a football field?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why are the Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...

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Losing my virginity was like my first football game.

It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.

Why would an octopus make a good football player?

Because it would have ten tackles

Football

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Wow,” said the coach. “I'm impressed. Can you run?” “ Of course I can run,” said th...

Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.

Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.

Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field.

You get arrested

why was Cindrella not selected in any football club?

Because she kept running away from the ball

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

Football

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.



Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old...

Why is a magician’s top hat good at football?

It always performs at least one hat trick.

What is the objective of jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

Put me in coach.

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

Football

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous. "There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. ...

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

What does the Welsh football team captain do to his opponents?

Wrexham

I would say the NFL football team from Detroit is the greatest football team of all time

But I’d be Lion.

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A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied....

How do French football fans like their coffee?

Au lait, au lait au lait au lait

A college football coach…

A COLLEGE-FOOTBALL COACH was
faced with the possibility that his star
player might be declared academically
ineligible, so he pleaded with the math
professor not to Aunk the kid.

"Tell you what, coach,”
said the professor, "I'll ask him a question in your presence. If he gets i...

Tom Brady just announced that he was retiring from football for good.

That's a relief because if he was retiring for evil, then evil would probably win.

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

Who is the most hate supporter among the Borussia Mönchengladbach football fans?

The guy who shouts out: "give me a B!!"

Why does Russian football suck?

Because they're constantly moving the goal posts.....

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He wants to bet on (American) football

It's Saturday morning, and a gambler calls up his bookie, and says he wants to bet on football.

The bookie tells him they have a full schedule of college football games today, and the gambler bet on six games. He loses all six bets.

The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again, an...

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

Why can't football players wear glasses?

It's a contacts sport

Why do English people call it Football?

If they play it with a soccer ball

~Norm MacDonald

Monday night football

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I really can't see the Patriots beating the Bills tonight," he tells the bartender. "Are you crazy? Why not?" the bartender asks. "Because my wife cancelled our cable."

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My son recently started playing football

But I have been caught up with work to make it to his games.
So i ask him “son what position do you play” he says dad i play “back”

So i figured he was talking about running back or full back because he has always been fast.

Then he says “dad i play ass back, every time i ask coa...

Football joke

Timmy, the goalkeeper of the school team, is sitting on the field after a big loss.

"My boy", an old man said behind him, "I saw you play. I think I can help you"

"Are you a coach?"

"No I'm an eye doctor"

A football fan appears in court for battery

The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?

The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.

The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?

(The judge points at the refs battered face.)

The fan: yeah...

After 10 years, the Football factory went out of business.

Many people thought it was the unhappy employees. Many thought it was the low wages.

But the truth is, they just couldn't keep up with the inflation.

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it ...

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English Football joke.

A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a

breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man

is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'

So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then

pulls out another card which ...

Cat's playing football

A man went to the doctor and told him:

"Hey doc, every night I see this dream where a bunch of cats are playing football"

The doctor replied, "hmm, this is weird"

The man said: "Yeah, what should I do?"

The doctor answered: "OK, you should skip sleeping tomorrow, and then...

I just got tackled in a game of football by a bird.

It was a fowl.

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

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A man goes to hell...

The devil greets him and says "You have to pick your torture. Pick wisely because this will be your torture for eternity".

The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch watching football on TV and getting a blowjob from a cheer...

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Tim and Jake goes to watch a football game

Tim : What is that on players back?

Jake : Oh that, the players have written their name in braille to raise awareness about blind people.

Tim : Raise awareness about blind people. Who the fuck doesn't know about blind people.

Jake : Well the deaf have never heard about them.

Football in Heaven

Two old men, Bert and Stan, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about Football. Bert turns to Stan and asks, "Do you think there's Football in Heaven?"
Stan thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if ther...

What does a football player say when they beat someone in football?

"Ha ha ha, soccer"

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There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

A teenage cannibal came home one afternoon after football practice

and his Dad said, "You're late. Everybody's already eaten."

What do you call a Russian footballer who keeps fouling?

Sendimov

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Some breaking English football news.

Arsenal are to allow their goal keepers, to train without a mask,

club doctors confirm.

There's no way they can catch anything..

A football player asked his wife if she ever cheated on him

This is translated from Arabic, I don’t know if it’s going to be funny as in Arabic but I’ll try my best *fingers crossed*

A football player once asked his wife if she ever cheated on him, she answered with “yes, three times.” He then asked “Ok, tell me about the first time.” She said, “Do y...

I like watching World Cup even though I don’t know anything about football

Sitting on the couch with a cold beer and watch those millionaires and billionaires running on the field, tiring themselves to half death just to entertain me, what a successful life!

How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?

One, and he gets 3 credits.

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

Whaddaya call a werewolf at a football match?

A howligan

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

David Beckham’s son arrived for football training.

He asked the coach, “What number shirt am I?”

The coach said “Wear four out there, Romeo”.

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Bar Room Football

A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they're playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.

He walks in and asks...

So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.

Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat.

The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."

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Fart football!

So a husband lays down next to his wife for sleep. She turns over and *FLEERP*[fart noise] the husband jumps from being startled and exclaims "what the hell was that?!" the wife shoots back, " touchdown and an extra point! 7 points!"
The husband not to be out done, leans over and *FWAAERP* "touc...

Footballer to referee: Would you send me off if I said you were a useless cheat?

Referee: Yes.

Footballer: But you couldn't send me off for thinking it?

Referee: No.

Footballer: Right then, I think you're a useless cheat.

Washington DC should name their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

What's a football player's favorite ice cream?

Any given sundae

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

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Three football fans were driving along when they

saw a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Chicago Bears hat over one breast. The second guy, a Tampa Bay Bucs fan, placed his hat ...

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Football in Heaven

Tom Brady and Gronk are both old and close to death.

Tom goes to Gronk's bedside, and says, "Rob...when you die and get to heaven, can you come back and tell me if there's football there?"

Gronk says yes, and dies later that day.

So about a week later, Tom is sleeping when he h...

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

Drool

Two great football fanatics, Andy and Stevie, were discussing the chances of football being played in Heaven.

They couldn't see how any self-respecting Heaven would not have football - but yet, they weren't quite sure. Finally they agreed that the one who died first would come back and tell the other if they played football in Heaven or not.

Not long afterwards, Andy was run over by a bus and killed...

What is Naruto's favorite football position?

Kyuu-bi

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The word Cunt is like the family football.

It gets thrown around a bit during the holidays.

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

Why did the surfer go the the football game?

He wanted to practice the wave

Why is Alabama college football so strong?

Because they are all one big family

what did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match

Grandpa: who's playing?

Grandson: Czech and Slovakia

Grandpa: against who?

English premier league - football

What does Guardiola do with the Manchester City team during half time ?

He gives a Pep talk.

The New York Jets are really bad at football

No offense

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

An American politician attends a football game...

This was last season so the stadium was packed with fans, completely sold out. He's minding his own business, enjoying the game when, during the 2nd Quarter, he hears someone in a nearby section shouting, "Steve! Hey, Steve!"

The politician stands up, looks around, but doesn't see anyone he ...

Obama, Trump, and Bush were tossing around a football

On one pass, Trump throws the ball too far and it gets punctured on top of the White House fence.

Bush and Obama yell at Trump, saying he always manages to lose or destroy the football.

After a few minutes of angry stares, a Secret Service agent goes to Trump. He gives him another foo...

What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team??

New York Jets

What happens to football players who go blind?

They become referees

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

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Went with a friend to a bar, and met some football players.

Afterwards, my friend said she wanted to ask one of the players out.

I didn’t understand why as he seemed like a bit of jerk, but apparently all the other guys said he was a keeper.

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

Why do Italians love football so much?

Because they get to change sides half way through.

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A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stri...

Whats a football fans favorite flavour of icecream?

Aston vanilla

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Why is a Manchester United footballer like a man with a numb dick?

They both just can't finish.

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?

Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

Washington Football is crushing the allas Cowboys.

Yeah it's allas, cuz they go no D.

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