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Ensued Jokes

A newlywed couple is about to consummate their marriage. As they started to undress the following conversation ensued:

her: "What happened to your feet?"

him: "Oh don't worry about that, it's just Tollio"

her: "did you mean Polio?"

him: "no it's Tollio, it just affects the toes."

*He then took his pants off and showed some ugly looking knees.*

her: "What happened to your knees?"...

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

A vow of silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoe...

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The once was a king with the most beautiful princess in the land…

To find her a prince the king set 3 challenge to find the best man in the land.

The first challenge was to fight his 2 strongest warriors to the death.

The second challenge was to pull a tooth from a gorilla with a toothache.

While the last challenge was to give a woman an orgas...

Forgetful preacher...

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town.

Being quite young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

On...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

Oregon fires trapped cattle on a pot farm...

...the farm made up the majority of the surrounding town’s economy so an unprecedented rescue effort ensued.

Unfortunately, It all burned to the ground and the steaks couldn’t have been higher...

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

There's this newlywed couple about to spend their first night together

as they were undressing the following conversation ensued:


"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an
awful ...

Dad my mouse isn't working

I've yet to see a mouse with a job.

My computer mouse stopped working 15 minutes ago, A dad joke ensued.

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In a pub....

A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside \[ootside\] and went in to have a pint o' bitter.

A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walks in and the following conversation ensued:

New man: Is that your dog ootside?

First ...

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How to Save a Life

Joe and Billy-Bob, two of the most country boys that ever did live, were sitting down in a resturant visiting the big city. The meal was going well until they saw a woman across the resturant stand up gasping and holding her throat.

"Help she's choking!" someone shouted, and panic ensued. Peo...

We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of t...

What happens when a clown farts?

It smells funny.

--As told to me by an Engineering lead... Much facepalm ensued.

Greatest truck driver in the world - mild nsfw

Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world, he could take that truck places that shouldn't be possible.

One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossible to see ...

A woman goes to the doctor....

And says to him
Woman: “I keep farting all the time and they’re always silent and don’t smell but I know I’m doing it so what do I do?”
Doctor: “okay. I see the problem try this nasal spray for a week and see how that helps.”
So after a week of the woman using the nasal spray she went back ...

Back in 1996, Afghanistan was very different.

You see, the only numerical system that Afghanistan used was the tally mark system. That meant that Afghans only counted things in tally marks. This was quite problematic because many people didn't know how to use tally marks correctly. Many mistakes were made and there was generally a lot of confus...

The billionaire was taking his bath when he had to fart...

Not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his manservant, he said "Jeeves, go downstairs and fetch me a cup of coffee."
"Very good, sir" said the butler and made for the bathroom door.
By now the billionaire was struggling to hold it in, but finally Jeeves closed the door behind him. A subs...

Blood Types

Watching 'Archer' and the topic of blood types came up. Conversation was as followed:

Friend: "Which blood type is the universal donor?"

Me: "O negative"

Friend: "Which is the universal receiver?"

Me: "Your mom."

*Hilarity ensued*

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how Germans feel bad about killing Nazis in Games

American gamer meets a German one and curiously asks :

'Hey friend, do you ever feel bad about killing Nazis in ww2 games??? Like, arent they your countrymen???''

German gamer responds :

''Do you Americans feel bad for Jabba the hut when Leia chokes the poor bastard???
...

On a transatlantic flight to Poland...

...the pilot announced on the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost one of our engines. But don't worry. We can still fly on the other three. It'll just take an extra hour to get to Poland."

Grumbles ensued but died down.

A while later the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen...

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

A French General sees a German and sends a scout over a hill.

After a little bit, the general hears gunshots, and the scout does not return.
Angry, the general sends a squad over the hill. Once again, there are gunshots, and the squad doesn't return.
The general cursed and stomped the ground and sent a whole platoon over the hill. Yet again, a fire...

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared.

"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.

"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.

"He is no...

Once, a little boy was born with no arms.

He also had no legs, or even a torso. His parents adored him anyway and completely doted on him.
As he got older they would put him in front of the window and he would watch the other kids run and play in the park across the street. One day a doctor rocked up with radical plan for a whole body tr...

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epic meeting of world's top leaders

During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. Ge...

During a nationwide blonde convention...

A blonde convention was being held at the City Square. A blonde representative screamed out loud, "We shall show them that we are blonde, and WE ARE NOT DUMB!" She was greeted with a roar of applause.

After two hours of cheering, speeches and demonstrations, the blonde leader called forward a...

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

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Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

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Stormy Seas Ahead

Officer Lanvin was saying his goodbyes to his family because his vessel, the HMCS Beauregard was taking to the ocean for a 6 month long mission.

Through teary eyes, he waved to his family, uncertain about the future, wanting to cherish the view of them waving to him because it would be so lon...

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Julia was organizing a cat show

Julia was organizing a cat show and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted the base to be made of the finest white marble w...

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Off in the English countryside, back behind the church, there lay a secluded stretch of river, set amidst the willows, which was reserved for clergymen who wished to bathe in the nude.

Prominent signs warned against trespassing, and barriers prevented boats and punts containing females from approaching this discreet section of the river.

One fateful Sunday afternoon, as the holy men laid on the bank, the river rose up. It washed away the signs and weakened the barriers, and...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home.....

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.

A bit tipsy and feeling *very* intimate, the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Silence ensued for just a...

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There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

Golf course or ...

Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued.

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."<...

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The Autobots had just landed on our green planet.

Optimus tells them to go look for disguises that are suitable so that they can all adequately blend into their new home. Two hours pass and the Autobots reconvene.

Mr Prime: Do you all have suitable disguises?

Company: Yes, Mr Prime.

Mr Prime: Well then, let's see it.

The...

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