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Down Under Jokes

A trip down under.

A British tourist arrived at an airport in Australia. He went to speak with the customs guy sitting behind the desk.

Customs: Passport?

Tourist: Here you go.

Customs: Thank you. Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offense?

Tourist: No, I didn't think that was a req...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

To my friends in the Land Down Under

You better run, you better take cover

What do you call a toilet that washes your down under?

Bidet Mate!

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife were trying to think of ways to spice up their sex life...

So one day the man came home with some flavored condoms. That night they were in bed, and the wife went down under the covers.

A few seconds later she popped her head back up and said, "Ugh, that one tastes like cheese!"

And her husband said, "I didn't put it on yet."

Little Johnny wants a BMX bike, so he gets down on his knees and writes a letter to God....

It says 'Dear God. If I'm good for one month will you get me a BMX bike?'

He carefully folds the letter and leaves it at the end of the bed. He lies down under the covers and thinks for a moment. One month is too long to be good. He gets up and tears up the letter and writes another one. 'Dea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A $200 vagina?

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ...

Our new IT guy moved here from Australia...

He comes from a LAN down under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl invites her boyfriend to dinner to meet her family

It's the girl's grandmother's birthday and the whole family sits down for dinner. Things are going well until the boy starts to feel a little gassy and realizes he has to pass a little gas. He adjusts himself on the wooden chair and squeaks out a barely audible fart. His girlfriend's mom looks down ...

How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander?

One's got a smooth pair down under and the other has some hairy kiwis.

Lobster Tails

A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"

The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.

"Ar...

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

What brand of toilet paper do Australians use?

Any brand they can get down under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants

The daughter notices something she hasn't seen before, so she looks at her mom and says, "Mom what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?" She answers, "That's his trunk." "No, in the back," the daughter says. "That's his tail." "No, underneath!" The mother blushes and says, "Oh that's nothing...

I met an Australian guy who works in IT.

I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

What does Australia and Atlantis have in common?

They both live down under

Have you heard of an Australian kiss?

.. it’s like a French kiss but down under!!

What do you call a gaming party set in Australia?

A LAN down under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her family

Her parents invite him for dinner at their home. They all sit down at the table, while the dog lies down under it, and they start eating.

At some point, the dude feels like he really needs to fart. He tries to suppress the awkward feeling, but he can't and farts a big one.

'Rufus!' ye...

What’s the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

They’re the same kiss, but the Aussie one is down under.

Four women in a bar are boasting about how loose they are....

The first one says “hey bartender, get me the biggest lemon you’ve got.” The bartender is confused, but brings back a large lemon and gives it to the woman. She goes to work down under, and after some exertion, stands up with no lemon in her hands.

The second lady calls to the bartender, “Ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy came back from having his photos done....

He was carrying the photos in his hand and was standing in the bus.
The bus stopped and he jerked forward, the photos fell out of his hand and went down under a woman's dress.

He bends downs and asks "Could you lift up your dress I gotta take those photos"

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