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Darkest Jokes

The Darkest Joke I Know

A boy is blind from the day he is born, Never knowing his mothers face never knowing colors and never knowing anything except what he can feel, smell, hear, or touch.

One night the boy is in his bedroom when his mother comes in and sits down on the bed beside him, she says "Sweetie I have som...

The Darkest Joke

What's worse than a baby in a dumpster?

... A baby in two dumpsters.

What's the darkest joke you know?

I've always been a fan or dark humor, so, what's the darkest joke you know. no boundaries, no getting offended. please don't downvote anyone because you find it offensive, that's life, get over it.

What's the darkest dark humor joke you got?

I start!..

What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

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Darkest Africa

Two explores were captured by a vicious tribe and sentenced to death. The witch doctor explained that as they weren't savages and to prove it he granted each captive a last wish.

The first explorer requested a sumptuous meal. when the meal was over he was killed,skinned and they used his skin...

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[Anecdote] Sometimes friends bring light to even the darkest situations

This happened back when I was in university back in 2012. During those days in my hometown there was an insurgent outfit that was on the verge of extinction but would occasionally surface to issue (empty) threats of violence through the media, particularly before National Holidays since they were a ...

Which Harry Potter book is the darkest?

Order of the Phoenix, because that’s when it starts getting Dead Sirius.

I was once so broke

I could not pay my electric bill…

Those were the darkest days of my life…

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A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle

When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him.

The guy looks at his situation...and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!"


Just then, the...

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What's the darkest joke you know? No limits who can disgust me the most?

Best part of fucking 21 year olds?
Theres 20 of them

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A man and a woman have sex in the darkest part of the woods.

After 15 minutes of it the man gives up and says "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The wife says "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!".

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

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Where does a Butt keep its darkest secrets?

Its diarrhea

Baby Confusion

An English, a Pakistani, and an Irish couple all simultaneously arrive at a hospital, all of the wives in the couple going into labour at approximately the same time. All of the babies were delivered healthily after fairly routine births but unfortunately, after placing the babies in their cradles, ...

Oingo Boingo

A group of men were captured in the deep darkest jungle by a tribe. They were trussed up, and marched into the camp, where they were drumming and singing.

The chieftain walked up to them and offered them each a choice. "Oingo boingo, or death?"

The first man said "well, I don't want ...

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3 men go to hell and Satan appears before them...

Satan says,"You boys have caught me in a good mood! I'm going to give you whatever you ask for. What would you like sir?"

Man number one steps up and says to Satan, "All I want is women."

Satan claps his hands, and a door appears which opens to reveal the most beautiful women the 7 C...

The darkest joke I have ever read

My wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Edit - It was written in vantablack.

It is during our darkest moments...

That we need to replace the batteries of the flashlight

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

Mr. And Mrs. Jones were on a safari

in the darkest part of Africa. They were walking cautiously through the jungle when suddenly a huge lion sprang out in front of them, seized Mrs. Jones in its jaws and started to drag her off into the bush. "Shoot!" She screamed to her husband, "shoot!" "I can't!", he yelled back "My phone battery j...

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

The darkest joke

A man came home to find all his lamps had been stolen. He was absolutely delighted.

We had a haunting.

One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night. It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon. Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted with the noises of the deceased chickens.

We had a ...

Black sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look ...

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

CIA Agent arrested in Russia

A CIA agent is arrested in Moscow and charged with spying. The agent is fluent in Russian and has had years of specialised training on how to blend in with the Russian people. he's the perfect sleeper agent.
Down in the darkest dungeons beneath Kremlin the Russian Secret Service (FSS) begin thei...

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

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A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

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A englishman, frenchman and pollock are on safari........

In the deepest, darkest pits of the african jungles. They are sitting at camp when suddenly they are attacked by cannibals, beaten, tied and taken back to their village.

They awaken all tied to trees and the cannibal leader walks up to the englishman and says "Were going to skin you alive, ea...

TV shopping.

Mary Sue, a young woman with notable blonde hair, decided that she needed a new TV for her bedroom.

So she goes down to the local applience store and looks around before poking the nearest salesman in the shoulder. "Excuse me sir, I'd like to ask you a few questions about that TV."

The...

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I fucking hate Black History month

It's the darkest month of the year

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So a missionary is spreading the word

of God as he see it in the deepest darkest parts of the African jungle. Since companionship is scarce, he entertains himself in the evenings by sitting outside his crude shelter and playing his violin.

As time passes he notices that the animals have begun to come out of the jungle when he pla...

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Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews,

went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the da...

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A guy drives in an Italian countryside...

A guy drives in an Italian countryside, and at the turn of a corner he's stopped by a paesano with a shotgun, who gets him out of the car, and yells:
- You musta jack-off, now!
- What? But...
- You musta take your dick out and masturbate, right now or I'll shoot you!
So the guy ...

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Penis Enlardment

Doug was showering after a workout at the gym when he noticed that the guy next to him had an enormous penis. His own junk being somewhat on the small side, Doug asked him if his mammoth member was natural or if there was a trick to it.


"Oh, there's a trick. Every night before bed, rub s...

Kids

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you....

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You must pass two tests, or die

Three explorers were bushwhacking their way through darkest Africa when they came upon an undiscovered tribe of cannibals.

The Chief informed them that they must each pass two important tests, or they would be eaten.

They were told for test number one, they must go into th...

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Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

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