Hallelujah Jokes

He walks in to town and sees on a churches sign horse for free come inside and ask the pastor.

The Cowboy walks and talkes to the pastor:

Cowboy: So... I hear you have a horse for free?

Pastor: I sure do, but you have to know that this horse is special. It will only move forward... read more

You pick a phrase, you pick a rhyme, repeat the sound another time,

Five iambs, then an extra beat will do ya.

Another rhyme, a rising note - congratulations, you just wrote

Another goddamn verse to Hallelujah!

He was a very religious man so he decided that he would train the horse so that it would speed up when he said “praise the lord” and come to a complete stop when he said “hallelujah.” After a few months, he was able to train the horse to do this.

One day, he was riding the horse and it got s... read more

They're now referencing it in churches.

A cowboy decided to buy a horse from the preacher. As the money changed hands, the preacher warned him, “Now this isn’t a regular horse. I’ve taught this one different commands. To get him to run, you must say ‘Hallelujah!’ And to make him stop say ‘Amen’. The cowboy thanked him and the preacher lef... read more

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wi... read more

The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately... read more

The man is very religious, so instead of saying, “giddy up,” for the horse to speed up, and “woah there,” for the horse to slow down, he decides to train his horse differently. Whenever he says, “Praise the Lord,” his horse will start running. Whenever he says, “Hallelujah,” the horse will slow down... read more

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town.

Being quite young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

On... read more

...the preacher said out loud: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation shouted,"Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation shouted,"Amen!"

"And if... read more

This little elderly wife and her husband never missed a Sunday service in 35 years. I believe they even sat in the same pew. They were very special to the church and one Sunday, the church wanted to present a beautifully engraved plaque. Coincidentally, it was their 52nd anniversary, and additionall... read more

A priest decides he’s fed up with his old car. So he goes to a dealership and finds a salesman.

The salesman notices the cross around the priest’s neck and asks,
“Are you, by chance, a man of God, sir?”.

The priest proudly says
“Why yes I am!”.

“Well then,” says the s... read more

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand... read more

A man who owned a farm was looking to buy a horse. Wanting to get one for relatively cheap, the man began looking on Craigslist, and soon found a really inexpensive horse only a few miles away from him.

When he arrived, he was astonished by the horse. It looked noble and strong, like out of ... read more

The crowds eagerly await this outdoor performance of the Hallelujah Chorus. However, it's the middle of June, and the heat is terrible. All the flutes, trumpets, and tubas are out of tune. The choir is miserable and sweaty.

Ultimately, they're forced to cancel the performance. It was simply t... read more

So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.

 

"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if yo... read more

It's raining Ken, hallelujah....

When the man gets to the ranch, he asks the owner if he can ride of the horses. The owner replies “Looks like we have one horse you can ride, however this horse is a little different than our other horses”.

The man asks “How so?”

“This horse is religious. I ride this horse to church, i... read more

A young, single, and very handsome test pilot is forced to eject from his jet. His parachute fails to open, and as he plummets to the ground he prays that somehow he will be saved.

He hears voice say, I will save you, but in return you must make the next woman you see happy for the rest of y... read more

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp... read more

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr... read more

A preacher was winding up a sermon with a tremendous fervour "If I had all the beer in the world, I would take that beer and throw it into the river!"
And the congregation shouted "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world" he continued "I would take that wine and throw it into the ri... read more

... when they come across a group of people watching a man immerse some of them in the river. Spying them, the man calls out "Hey, brothers, come on down. I'm baptizing sinners, washing away their sin, just as the word says. Come on down, you'll find Jesus, you'll be saved!"

"What d'you reck... read more

A group of missionaries are traveling through rural Africa spreading the good news.One day, they find themselves in a town, and before long quite a crowd has gathered.

After preaching the virtues of Christianity for a while, they decide to demonstrate the amazing powers of the lord. "if anyon... read more

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that pr... read more

A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.

They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.

So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet... read more

Alright, so here's quick math question for ya:

So there's two trains. The first train is traveling at *exactly* 90 miles per hour from Plotopia heading due west. There is a clown standing atop it. He is holding a grenade. (And yes, his billowing pants and rainbow-dyed afro-wig *are* affecting... read more