UPJOKE
weakenmaimdevastatedemoralizeundolameparalyzederailhamperhinderdisruptunderminethwartimpedemutilate

Crippling Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see the doctor about my crippling fear of palindromes.

Bastard put me on Xanax!

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

I have a crippling addiction to the hokey pokey

This year i’ve really turned myself around

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

I suffer from crippling narcissism.

I'm a victim of it.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have a crippling porn addiction.

Now I prefer less violent porn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me to my therapist: “Help, I have a crippling fear of the Grease soundtrack!”

Therapist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Me: Aaaaaaaaaaa-

Therapist: Keep talking, whoa keep talking!

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Why did 10 have crippling PTSD and anxiety

It was directly in the middle of 9/11

What's the difference between crippling depression and crippled depression?

One can't get out of bed because they're depressed, the other is depressed because they can't get out of bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Benedict Cumberbatch says he suffered from crippling constipation as a kid.

No shit Sherlock

Atleast my crippling depression keeps me going

I'm a real self-loathivator

I have a crippling fear of Santa

Apparently I'm Claustrophobic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey baby, if you like self-deprecating guys with crippling neuroses...

...then I'd probably still find a way to fuck this up.

Relationships are either like eating pizza all the time or crippling diarrhea.

You either end up fat and out of shape, or doubled over in crippling pain desperately wiping away what's left when it finally ends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure...

"D D D D Doctor, you've g g g g got to Help m m m me, I'll dddo anyt t t t thing.

The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem....

"your penis is massive, it's causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a guy has a crippling anxiety: he believes himself to be a kernel of corn

he seeks out the help of a therapist, who eventually has the man committed to an asylum. at the asylum, they work with him for months, until finally they have convinced him that he is NOT a kernel of corn, but in fact a man. they sign him out and he walks out the door, but not more than five minutes...

Knock knock. “Who’s there”. “Jimmy”. “Jimmy Who”

said Jimmy’s grandmother, whose crippling Alzheimer’s has robbed her of all her memories.

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

A friend of mine planned a trip to America and walked into a bar

They are now facing crippling debt from the ambulance ride and stitches

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpo...

I apologise for my lame jokes

I am afflicted with a crippling sense of humour

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time

Unfortunately she was dealing with a severely upset stomach. As they were seated around the dinner table she had to try and release some of the crippling pressure, and decided to let out a little gas quietly. Her "little" fart resulted in a squeak audible enough that everyone at the table heard. The...

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Crippling depression.

This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

"Because I have a crippling addiction to alcohol." says the horse.

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Headaches.

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was m...

My financial adviser asked me what I bring home at the end of every month.

"Crippling depression," I told him.

What do you call a ditch that has had accidents leading to making people wheelchair bound?

A crippling depression

Why did Larry the gardener stay indoors on such a beautiful spring day?

Crippling depression.

If I had 50¢ for every Math test I failed....

I still wouldn't have enough money to pay off my crippling student debt.

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit.

As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom.

“Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.”

While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual Exhaustion

An attractive young female professor announces a test that would begin the next morning. No rain checks, no make-up opportunities. Be there or get a zero.

A young man in the back raises his hand, winks at the professor and says "But what if we're incapable of taking the test tomorrow due to ...

I struggle with an intense fear of becoming disabled

It's crippling

Hey cutie, are you the economy?

Because you're almost as crippling as my student loans and anxiety.

Recent studies show that 100% of people disabled from the waist down are diagnosed with a mental disorder

Crippling Depression

Your momma is so fat...

She has crippling depression and it causes severe problems with her social life.

Only 90's kids will get this!

Crippling depression and social anxiety

Ronda Rouseys next fight has been announced!

Ronda Rousey V. Crippling Depression

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.