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A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet...

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I recently decided to try taking dewormer for COVID treatment

So far I’m not sure if it’s helping with the COVID but I have stopped dragging my ass on the carpet

What is the difference between COVID-19 and the 101st Infantry Division?

COVID-19 is Airborne

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Anyone know where I can get some ivermectin?

I don’t have Covid, but I am a little hoarse with an itchy butt

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

WHO and Covid 😛

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Due to covid-19.

Sweet Caroline is banned.

There will be: No touching hands, reaching out, touching me,

touching you..

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

How do you milk a sheep?

By inventing the next "covid cure" that's not a vaccine.

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A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

The internet will never stop making fun of those taking Ivermectin for Covid.

Because the internet loves to beat a dead horse.

I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient..

Stay positive

Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

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Pissed off God by not seeing everyday miracles.

There's an old joke...

There's a flood. A man is standing in knee deep water in his house. Another man in a canoe paddles by and says "Get in I'll row you to safety!"

The man says,"No thanks. I've prayed and God will save me".

The water gets to his chest. Another man in a bass b...

Should you take ivermectin for Covid?

Neigh

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Walking past the Intensive Care Unit, I heard Kanye's latest album blaring over the intercom.

I guess its true, Covid does affect your taste.

(Inspired by: u/FluffyTid)

The Taliban has promised they WILL require a Covid Vaccine Pass

\- from all individuals who are seeking to attend public executions.

What state in India is most famous for Covid injection dumb jokes?

Punjab, of course.

Viruses mutate over time. Take Covid, for example.

It started out as a pandemic. Now it's an IQ test.

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Nice to see that the Taliban are taking COVID seriously

They kill any woman not wearing a mask. They aren't playing around.

From a post on r/conservative I found.

Scientists have declared that ants are immune to COVID-19....

They think its probably because they have.... anty bodies

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My covid status is like my sex life

I'm vaccinated

pls laugh

what do COVID-19 and a traveler on a budget have in common?

they travel by delta





what is the difference between COVID-19 and delta airlines?

only one can become airborne.

A telltale symptom of COVID-19 is the loss of taste.

So when my sister suddenly decided to buy plaid curtains, I checked her into the hospital immediately.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

At home remedy...

My brother rubbed lard on his back to help cure Covid, he went down hill fast after that.

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

The WHO now says Covid-19 first spread through dog urine

It was a lab leak!

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John Travolta tested negative for covid-19 last night...

Turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever...

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

Everybody’s so up in arms about Covid, but I see it as progress.

Nothing else made in China has ever lasted this long.

Over half the deer in Michigan has contracted covid.

More proof that not only has this disease cost a few bucks, but also a lot of doe.

The ‘surge’ in Texas

You don’t want to end up hospitalized with COVID in Texas relying on a ventilator.

You never know when the power might go out.

My friend decided to take up magic during COVID and he performs some pretty amazing disappearing tricks. He says it’s been hard but really…

I think he’s just going through a stage.

Warning! Had two covid vaccinations and still ended up in the ICU

Gor hit by a bus on the way out

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Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

How will you know if you die of the Delta variant of COVID?

On your way to heaven or wherever, you'll make a stop in Atlanta.

*Edit: Thanks for the upvotes and comments. Per feedback, it might be better as "On your way to heaven, you'll have a layover in Atlanta."*

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me

"She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

Ever since my covid vaccine I've been feeling tired and unable to get out of bed

Glad to see there are no side-effects.

Why do vaccinated people don't appreciate a Covid joke

They usually just don't get it

COVID jokes aren't funny.

They're just downright tasteless.

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

COVID is starting to feel a lot like religion -

Less and less people are worries about it but it's still huge in India.

~Mark Normand

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

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My kids keep asking me if can let them play outside now that people are getting vaccinated from the virus…

I have to keep reminding them that they were in the basement before COVID and they’re gonna be in that basement way after COVID.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

Why did Eminem get COVID?

Cause he got only one shot…

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

How long did it take for the first guy to get covid?

He got it right off the bat

If the second shot is the one that gives you immunization from covid

I just think they should give us the second shot first

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

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Did you hear about the 35 people that caught COVID at an orgy?

It was a real cluster fuck...

BBC study finds Covid common in pet cats and dogs, but not ants.

Because ants have antibodies.

Ill see myself out.

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

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Covid shot

My girlfriend just got her first covid shot. I asked her how it went.

"It's just like having sex with you, i didn't feel it going in and was over in 5 seconds"

Wearing two masks can keep yourself and others even safer from covid than just one, but...

tying a plastic bag over your head can keep you safe from covid for the rest of your life.

Whoever doesn't like 80's music needs a Covid Test...

because the symptoms are they have no taste.

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Why don't racoons ever get COVID?

They always wearing a mask and washing their hands.



This is my first dad joke! Hopefully my last.

Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.

Why do sheep not get covid?

They have herd immunity.

My TCP/IP LAN contracted COVID-19

It should have worn its subnet mask

So I got my first covid vaccine shot today

Afterwards, I ran into a friend and told him about it.


He replied: Huh, you took the vaccine shot?

Me: Uhm yes, why wouldn't I?

Him: I thought you were an anti-vaxxer?

Me: What, no. Why would you think that?

Him: Well most morons are...

Now that I am vaccinated I can joke about Covid

Here are a few.

———————

Day 251 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

———————

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!

———————

What’s the best way...

I was going to make up a joke about Covid

But then I realized it would be pretty tasteless.

Four Men are Waiting in the Hospital

Four men are waiting in the lobby of a hospital due to Covid while their wife’s are in labor.

A nurse walks out and tells the first man his wife just had twins. He says, “That’s funny, I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A little later the nurse walks out and tells the second man his wi...

I went to get tested for Covid yesterday

The staff asked me, if I had experienced a sudden lack of taste.
I replied, "no, I dress like this for a while now"

After months of preliminary testing, Dr. D. Johnson's supplement to cure the side-effects of COVID-19 went into final trials

Unfortunately the drug only allowed you to smell what the rock was cooking

Covid quarantines were so toxic.

We isolated all the positive people.

I tried to tell a covid vaccine joke to some anti-vaxxers...

But they didn't get it.

With life the way it is, you wanna know what really get up my nose, these days?

Rapid antigen Covid-19 self-tests.

Washing hands

(Joke was funnier before covid)

A soldier and a sailor are at a bar near where they are both stationed. They are standing next to each other at urinals and the soldier gets done first and washes his hands. The sailor gets done and goes right toward the door instead of washing his hands
...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

Shamelessly copied joke....

Why does covid vaccine have 2 shots?




First is the microchip, second is the battery.

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

I just had my Covid vaccine.

The chip feels a bit lumpy and I have this permanent urge to buy Microsoft licenses.

On the upside, my 5G is full bars now.

I had heart palpitations, sweating and aches on the day of my first Covid-19 Vaccine

But once I got in and actually had the jab I was fine!

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses

COVID is so bad in India...

That i haven't got a scam call in ages

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at Manchester...

Knowing what I know, I wouldn't give anyone a Covid-19 vaccination shot

I'm not a doctor, or any kind of medical professional, I would leave it up to them to do it. Would be weird for me to go around doing it.

I got my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine today…

For the next few weeks I’ll be doing things half-vaxxed.

If people that can’t see are blind, people that can’t hear are deaf, and people that can’t talk are mute, then what do you call people that can’t smell?

Covid positive

How many shots do you need to get the covid vaccine?

Dose!

A concert promoter walks into a bar

A concert promoter walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that they are easing the Covid restrictions have you been able to plan any big events?" the bartender asks. "Well, we're planning a Foreigner reunion concert for later this summer. But we're still going to require mandatory temperature ...

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

I could tell you a Covid joke...

But it would take 3 days for you to get it.

Did anyone hear about the serial killer who is targeting Anti-Vaxxers?

Covid-19

Just found out my pal has the Indian variant of Covid

At first he felt unwell, then he slipped into a korma

A Husband and Wife were messaging each other.

Husband: You are negative

Wife: And you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life, care about no one but yourself and your friends, all you are interested in is your own self, and in all your life you've not fulfilled even one of your promises. I’m the only one that has to put up with such a miserly...

Persons who received the COVID-19 vaccine are kindly requested to come to the nearest 5G cell tower...

...to download upgrade for the new COVID-19 variants.

Please take this Indian COVID variant seriously.

My friend has been in a korma for a month.

What did Alexander Hamilton say before he got his COVID vaccine?

I am not throwing away my shot.

My dad's sister is a geriatric nurse.

With Covid her life has been crazy busy over the past year. She has seen far too many patients die. Now that we have the vaccine she's very excited and gets borderline preachy on why we should all get vaccinated. She talks about it non-stop. It's annoying!

It's like she's become Auntie Vaxx!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doctor, please prescribe the best medicine for covid-19"

"I'm prescribing Superglue. Apply it on your ass and sit at home."

Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19

Husband : Because you take my breath away!

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

So many people are out on the street protesting Covid restrictions are calling themselves survivors of totalitarianism, but no one is talking about the real survivor of the pandemic:

Our livers!

Why cant the US kill COVID

It doesn’t attend school

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario.

Homeless people fight hard to stop Covid

I always see them vaccinating themselves.

Upside to masks

The only upside to wearing a mask during COVID, other than not getting sick and dying alone drowning in one's own fluids, is that this last holiday season I watched all the "Charlie Brown" specials and understood everything the teacher said.

An old woman is offered a covid vaccine at her senior home.

She refuses it and says "I have faith in God to protect me."

A week later, her nurse daughter calls her and tells her that she can come into the clinic and get her the vaccine quickly that day. Again, the woman refuses and says "I have faith in god to protect me."

Several weeks pass, ...

Why is Mom's Spaghetti better than the covid vaccine?

cuz you only get one shot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical experts in Washington DC today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve. Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while optome...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex workers in Vancouver, Canada are being given early access to the Covid vaccine. NSFW

Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get vaccinated?

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Why do stormtroopers always wear masks?

Because they keep missing their shots. #covid

Covid restrictions...

I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.

They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.

I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
[email protected] online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

Remember when Ontario...

...was having a ridiculous increase in Covid 19 infections because of transmission among essential workers and in warehouse workplaces, so the Ford government closed parks and golf courses?

Why are CDC's covid guidelines not complete

Today they told us that a facemask and gloves are enough to be safe outside, and when I came outside I saw everybody is wearing clothes.

The lead singer of Disturbed has refused to get the Covid vaccine.

He's Down With The Sickness!

I met the most beautiful girl at the Covid testing location the other day

She left me breathless

I just got my COVID-19 vaccine today

I don’t understand what everyone is so worried about, I haven’t experienced any strange side effects. This thing is completely safe.

In unrelated news, I finally have good cell phone reception and my Internet speeds have never been better!

I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up...

I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn.

I have noticed that the phrase 'due to' is being used more frequently lately...

...possibly due to Covid.

My girlfriend of 3 years told me that she's not worried about getting her Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccination.

She said, at this point, she's accustomed to one small prick.

I got my Covid shot today. I feel fine, except...

I have this strange urge to change my browser to Edge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the proctologist Covid-denier take up ventriloquism?

He got tired of talking out of his own ass.

With all the new, more severe, strains of Covid being discovered..

I guess that means that the original was actually Corona light..

A patient overhears the doctor yelling, "Measles, mumps, rubella, polio, Covid..."

He asks the nurse what's going on. The nurse replies, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

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