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Covid Jokes

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

Why don’t ants get Covid?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test aga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like COVID-19.

I don't have COVID-19.

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

How will you know if you die of the Delta variant of COVID?

On your way to heaven or wherever, you'll make a stop in Atlanta.

*Edit: Thanks for the upvotes and comments. Per feedback, it might be better as "On your way to heaven, you'll have a layover in Atlanta."*

How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

What do you call a Russian with Covid?

Kalashnicough

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

Why don't The Ants catch COVID?

They've got little Antibodies.

My girlfriend got covid

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

I like my girls how I like my Covid.

19 and easily spread.

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

I could tell you a COVID joke...

But it would take 2 weeks to see if you get it.

Recent political joke circulating in China

Three men who don’t know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested.

The first man said: “I opposed covid testing.”

The second man said: “I supported covid testing.”

The third man said: “I administered the covid tests.”

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

Yo mama might have covid.

She has no taste, nobody wants to be around her, and she really should put on a mask.

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?

COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.

I really wish people would start taking Covid more seriously...

I don't wanna have to learn the entire Greek alphabet.

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

Eminem isn't allowed to get the full COVID vaccine

He only gets one shot

Why is Covid better than Southwest?

Because it’s airborne.

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

Why do some covid patients need to take a shower?

Because they are starting to smell again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Anal Covid Test;

Put one finger in your mouth,
The other in your ass,
Count to 10,
Swap fingers, and if you can't smell or taste the difference,
Isolate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like COVID-19

A lot of people got it but I’ve only heard of it

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

COVID jokes aren't funny

They're downright tasteless.

Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

Covid restrictions...

I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.

They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.

I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.

R. Kelly has caught covid-19

though he would prefer covid-15

My humor is a lot like Covid…

It’s tasteless, not meant for large crowds, and if you get it, you’re pretty sick.

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

Ebola, covid, and monkeypox walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “What is this, some kinda sick joke?”

Why are ants immune to COVID-19?

They have anty-bodies

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

What do you call a trucker with Covid?

A long hauler

What is the best thing about getting COVID?

Your farts don't smell anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between COVID and a Karen?

One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Low tech COVID test?

Stick one finger in your mouth and one finger in your butt. Wait two minutes then switch. If you can’t taste the difference you probably have Covid.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

If it doesn’t taste like covid and it doesn’t smell like covid

It’s probably covid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

I tested positive for COVID-19 on New Year's Day.

Guess you could say I started 2022 on a positive note.

Covid prevention

Mrs Smith was in her eighties and very much admired for her sweet disposition and kindly ways to all. The carpet cleaner came by to perform the annual spring cleaning one afternoon and she welcomed him in for tea and cookies. After she excused herself to make preparations, the young carpet cleaner c...

Covid vaccine is not safe

My friend had gotten both his doses. Still died when he fell off the 19th floor.

I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine.

Apparently being a republican isn’t an acceptable medical condition.

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

Should you take ivermectin for Covid?

Neigh

What's the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet?

One is a Coronavirus, the other is a Verona Crisis.

My wife fell in love with me again during covid-19

I guess you could call it stuck-home syndrome

A new COVID-19 law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. “What brings you guys in today?” the bartender asks. “I guess you haven’t heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.
Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.
Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

How did one vampire give COVID to the other one?

By coffin on him!

Happy Halloween :)

Trump got COVID...

Well my wife and I don’t see eye to eye politically. One was happy, the other worried... you understand. So after much debate, we came to a compromise: we sent him a get well soon card that said stay positive.

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.

(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate people who go out in public while they have covid.

those fuckers make me sick

Covid changes everything

Remember how we used to cough to cover up a fart? Now we fart to cover up a cough.

Since I had covid

I found that my farts aren't so smelly anymore, but people are nervous around me.

Covid can't be beaten.

Unlike suspects. That's why Covid is the current #1 killer of cops in America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long Covid (NSFW)

A guy goes into the Doctor's office and says, "Ya know doc, I think I might have long Covid." The doc asks, "How so?" And the guy says, "Well, you know, I tested positive over 3 weeks ago. I'm still congested, I have a minor sore throat, and I'm really fatigued." He pauses while the doc scribbles...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?

You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.

i would say a joke about Covid-19 in 2023...

but im getting sick and tired of it!

Chuck Norris got the COVID vaccine

The vaccine is now immune to everything

Did you hear about the prince who caught Covid from his father?

He was next in line to be Coronated.

How long did it take for the first guy to get covid?

He got it right off the bat

Why do vaccinated people don't appreciate a Covid joke

They usually just don't get it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

A couple are isolating during covid

The man says "Now is the perfect time for me to go down on you."

The woman excitedly asks "Why is that?"

The man responds "I just lost my senses of taste and smell."

Covid Positive.

My friend has tested positive for Covid.

She said that she caught it off of her Cat.

Don't ask "Meow."

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like the Covid vaccine

Less than 20 seconds long and the next shot is after 6 weeks

Dark humor is like Covid

Not everybody gets it, but these days more and more do.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

I just got the Mitch Hedberg COVID test.

I asked my friend if he knows anyone with COVID.

He said “No.”

So I know I don’t have COVID because he knows me.

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Baby, do you need toilet pape...

Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…

It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Want to hear a Covid-19 joke?

If you've been vaccinated, you probably won't get it ...

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

COVID is like my girlfriend..

I didn't think it would be that bad but she has taken over everything. I can't go play football and she has killed my dad.

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses

Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense

There are also a lot of people in certain locations

After all this time, I still haven’t tested positive for Covid…

…wouldn’t it be funny if it was just because I wasn’t sticking the swab far enough into my ear?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.

It was just a Saturday Night Fever.

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19

but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

When covid and the pandemic started, us introverts became hipsters.

We were social distancing before it was cool.

Why did the graveyard get a COVID test?

Because of all the coffin.

They kicked me out of a Covid-19 ward the other day…

…because when I left I said “stay positive everyone”

North Korea is handling Covid surprisingly well

Last week 9/10 doctors said Covid-19 was under control,



This week the stat went up to 9/9!

The CDC warns tomorrow could be one of the worst days ever for Covid.

Because after the inauguration people everywhere will simultaneously exhale.

To everyone with covid, walking around without a mask on,

You people make me sick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

What’s the difference between me and covid

My dad didn’t beat covid

Covid is like the iPhone

Made in China but popular in the USA

Why are there no Covid-19 cases in Antarctica?

Because the people there are ice-o-lated

It's nice to see the homeless take covid seriously.

I saw one getting vaxed under the overpass three times this week.

Why is Joe Biden afraid of getting COVID?

Because he'd lose his sense of smell.

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Covid shot

My girlfriend just got her first covid shot. I asked her how it went.

"It's just like having sex with you, i didn't feel it going in and was over in 5 seconds"

Why I won’t take the Covid Vaccine

The first smallpox vaccine came out in 1796 and 100% of the recipients are dead.

Do It Yourself COVID Test

1. Pour a glass of wine and smell it
2. If you can smell it, then taste it
3. If you can both smell it and taste it, you do not have the Covid virus



Just to test it out, I did the test 19 times last evening and, thank God, all the tests were negative. But I'll have to repeat the...

The Fonz has COVID!

but its OK, he's

Aaaayysymptomatic.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Absolutely NO FUCKING WAY Trump's really COVID positive.

You can't get sick from a hoax.

I asked my proctologist:. What happened to all the patients who had their colonoscopys delayed due to covid.....

He said, "oh we got caught up. Everyone got it in the end".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump's Covid 19 Response

That's it, that's the whole fucking joke.

My Muslim friend got Covid

I think he’ll be ok though: he’s in Qur’antine

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

Why was there a Covid-19 outbreak on the Death Star?

'Cos the Stormtroopers missed their shots.

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