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Contorted Jokes

A young inexperience couple on their wedding night NSFW

They have never been intimate and they begin to undress and see each other naked for the first time. The husband takes off his socks and his toes are contorted and bizarre looking. "Whoa!" she says, "what's up with your toes???"

 

"I had a childhood disease that left them lik...

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2 Bicyclists are riding down a bike path

The bike path goes by a lake, and through some trees. It's a moderately traveled path, but gets its fair share of riders. The bicyclists in question were riding down it on an otherwise pleasant day, when suddenly they reach a rough patch in the path. It looks contorted and discolored from the rest o...

Do you think it would be frowned upon..

if I contorted my face at a demonic clown?

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Old World War II political joke my granddad told me when I was a kid.

I'll try to retell it exactly as he told it to me when I was about seven or so.

>There's this intersection with a four way stop. Four cars displaying reichstag flags approach the intersection. You know, like those official flags the president's got, except they got the kraut eagle and car...

Two Hobos

Two hobos were walking down the tracks. They encounter a mangy old dog sitting in the middle of the tracks, contorted into that weird position and licking his nuts. One hobo says wistfully, “Gee, I wish could do that.” His companion replies, “Well, maybe you should start by petting him first.”

At a press conference, Sarah Sanders is asked, "why has Trump imposed tarrifs on soybeans but not chickpeas?"

Sarah rolled her eyes and contorted her face even more, then replied, "listen Jim Acosta, I don't know what you're agenda is with that question, but suffice it to say that the President's decision on which legumes to tarrif is deeply rooted in the fact that he's never had a Russian soybean on his he...

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

My late grandfather’s favorite joke

A man woke up one morning and his cheeks was swollen and contorted, his eyes were almost completely shut and his lips puckered tight. He rushed over to the hospital and sees a doctor immediately.

“Doctor, what’s wrong with me?” Asked the man.

“Your test results came back inconclusive, ...

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Two knights were jousting for the entertainment of the king and his court...

The Black knight struck the king's favorite, crumpling him against the wall, bending and doubling him over, head-to-toe. With his head down between his legs with armor and body bent and contorted, the favorite reached for his sword.

The crowd cheered!

With an impressive display of p...

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Palette Cleanser

The first time Charlie ate dinner with his girlfriend's family, her mom prepared a huge pot of soup for the whole family. The dad, mom, and little brother were all there. Although Charlie couldn't identify the exact contents, it smelled pretty good, and Charlie hadn't eaten all day. Everyone was eag...

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So, a really, really, REALLY ugly woman, ugliest you will ever see, with a terrible attitude to boot, walks into a department store...

...with her two kids in tow. The manager of the store gets close to her and asks:
"Twins?"
The mother makes a huge, contorted face, and, incredible as it might seem, looks even uglier.
"No, you imbecilic twat. Bruce, that's the oldest, is nine, and Miranda is seven. What sort of questio...

Oogah Boogah!

Two guys were flying in an airplane, over the deepest part of the jungle. Suddenly, their plane developed engine problems and they were forced to make a crash landing. After the crash, they gathered all the supplies they could carry and set off through the jungle towards the last town they flew over...

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Two Redneck

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching
rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement.
A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about $10,000 dollars in
prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubb...

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