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Contortionist Jokes

What do you call a Filipino contortionist?

A manila folder!!!

I went for a job as a contortionist...

They asked, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "Well! I can't do Thursdays."

The circus near me had a competition to find the best contortionist..

So I entered myself and won ...

I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.

How many contortionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least two, but they may need some time to get inside it.

My wife and I were laying in bed watching a contortionist perform on a talent show.

As the lady went through her routine, I suggested to my wife that she should try becoming a contortionist. Without hesitation, she shouted "NO!"

I asked her to reconsider, suggesting ideas as they entered my creative mind. She immediately began yelling at me, calling me a pig, a dog, and even...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a contortionist duck and a lawyer with an unhappy client have in common?

Either one can stick his bill up his ass.

My grandfather used to earn a living as a contortionist

But lately he's struggling to make ends meet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just met the most arrogant contortionist ever!

He was so far up his own arse!

An acrobat and a contortionist are talking

The acrobat says to the contortionist, "Lately my boss has had me jumping through hoops to please customers". "I know how you feel" replies the contortionist. "I have to bend over backwards to get my job done"

A friend emailed me this joke. I hope it's not a recent repost! A travelling salesman is visiting a small town in southern Georgia, when...

...he spots a flyer on a telephone pole advertising a circus and carnival held by the locals for charity. But what REALLY catches his eye was the extra-large-type proclaiming:
“Don’t Miss the Amazing Perfesser!”

Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts.. animals, cl...

My girlfriend is a professional contortionist.

Now she really loves her job and most of the time she comes home with a big smile on face.
However yesterday was really rough on her and so this morning I asked if she'd gotten everything straightened out.

She said "I have knot."

Why did the pickle stop being a contortionist?

It was to cucumbersome.

Four strangers find themselves chatting on a bus ride away from New York City

They talk for a while about who they are and why they’re leaving the city. There’s a loud and charming man looking for a new start away from the big city, a contortionist tired of all the hustle and bustle, a quiet girl who gave no explanation on her past, and a woman pregnant with triplets trying t...

So, I told that contortionist that I didn't care much for his act.

...And he gets all bent out of shape about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hurricane Gussy (NSFW?)

A man enters a brothel and tells the madam he's looking for something new and exciting.

The madam says "Well, we have one girl who is a contortionist."

The man says "No, that's too ordinary."

The madam thinks for a moment and says "What about a Hurricane Gussy? Have you ever ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Memory of Ronnie Corbett

Here's some of his best jokes

- A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

- We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

- A man was maro...

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