What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

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I made pot brownies with laxatives…

You know, for shits and giggles.

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I'm thinking of starting a business with focus on laxatives.

It just gets shit done.

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I've been experimenting with THC and Laxatives

For shits n' giggles

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My friend said his laxatives worked really well.

He was lying. He was full of shit.

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A constipated man goes to the pharmacy for laxatives

Man: Box of laxatives please

Chemist: Sorry I'm out of stock

Man: What, again? But I'm desperate

Chemist: Well that's tough shit I'm afraid

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Why did I down a whole bottle of laxatives at a comedy show last night?

For shits and giggles

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

Why do laxatives always say they 'Work gently, over night?'

What if I want something that works violently right now?!?

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[NSFW] I had sex after taking laxatives the other day...

Fuck that shit, definitely never doing it again

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I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake.

Turns out it was a big load of bullshit.

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I bought some laxatives the other day.

The other day I went down to the store to buy some laxatives. When I brought them to the counter the cashier said "having some problems?" To which I replied "yeah, no shit".

A pharmacist walks back into his shop after taking a break.

He finds a man leaning against a wall and asks his assistant “What’s wrong with him?”

“He came in for some cough syrup”, explains the assistant, “but I couldn’t find any so I gave him laxatives instead.”

“What!” exclaims the pharmacist, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxative...

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The fuckers stole my laxatives

can’t shit in Detroit

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I put laxatives in my bosses coffee

He's going to shit himself when he finds out.

I just learned the hard way not to trust a fart while on laxatives...

...well, actually it was the soft way.

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Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time

For shits and giggles.

You know what they say about German laxatives

They bring out the wurst in you

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Men who take both Viagra and laxatives

don't know whether they'll be coming or going.

Did you hear about the man who accidentally took laxatives instead of his antidepressants?

He felt empty inside

I put laxatives in alphabet soup

I call it Letter Rip

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FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

Why do laxatives have a best before date?



If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?.

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We decided to organize an intervention for our friend, who is addicted to taking laxatives.

I said, “This shit needs to stop.”

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What’s the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker who’s addicted to laxatives?

One shucks between fits and one fucks between shits.

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Why did the redditor mix a bottle of laxatives with nitrous oxide?

The same reason he did everything else: for shits and giggles.

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A thief stole a bottle of laxatives, mistaking them for perscription painkillers.

After he found out, he nearly shit himself.

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I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.

I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought.

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What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?

Expellianus.

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What happens if you mix up viagra and laxatives?

It makes you crap in bed.

Don’t ever take sleeping pills and laxatives at the same time...

Because if you do, you’ll sleep like a baby...

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I informed the party attendants that someone put laxatives in all the food and drink.

Everyone lost their shit.

Why was the watchman prescribed laxatives?

To help him pass the time.

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

Why do politicians take laxatives?

So they can speak more fluently

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Why shouldn't you give a meth addict laxatives?

because it's already hard enough for them to keep their shit together.

So Joe had a bad cough.

It was the worst cough of his life. He couldn't get anything done since all he could do was cough uncontrollably. So he decided to go to the doctor.

"Doc, you gotta help me," Joe said. "I just can't seem to stop coughing."

"Oh my, oh my, you poor thing," the doctor exclaimed. "I'll pre...

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People ask me all the time why I like putting laxatives in my pot brownies...

... I don't really know. I guess I'm just in it for the shits and gigs.

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I was at a party the other day where everyone was getting high on laxatives and almonds

Shit got nuts real quick

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

A pharmacist arrived to his drugstore when he see a man on the ground moaning lightly.

So the pharmacist goes in his store and ask his assistant if she took care of the guy outside. She explains him that he had a bad cough but there was no more cough mixture.
Pharmacist: What did you tell him?
Assistant: I gave him a bottle of laxative and tell him it was cough mixture and he dr...

The doctor takes a peek

Disclaimer: This is a re-tell of a joke as my late uncle used to tell it to me.

So there was a guy named Joe that had lost an eye. As it would happen, the only solution was to get a glass eye as to make him feel a little better. Every night he would carefully put it into a glass of solution ...

There are 5 places in my house that haven't been cleaned out in years.

I'd better go to the pharmacy and get some laxatives.

A chemist comes back from his lunch break.

He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant.
...

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.

Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

Drug store

The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”

The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in h...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" 
...

My pharmacy is having a liquidation sale.

Laxatives are 50% off.

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A not so shitty story

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.

Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does anot...

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