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Confided Jokes

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

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"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," the bloke from over the road confided with me earlier

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

My Jewish friend confided in me that he was petrified of going to hell for smoking.

"SMOKING" I said, "What the fcuk have you been smoking ?"

"BACON" he said.

My friend confided in me that she has breast cancer.

I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to get off her chest.

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window an...

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife:

"I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you th...

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A friend confided in me

that the only way he could get off was to crap himself and drag himself across a room in a zigzag pattern. He asked if something was wrong with him.
I told him he was fine, he was just into some kinky shit.

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My boyfriend confided in me that he sharted for the first time in his life today.

He said he felt pretty shitty about it.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

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"Something's keeping me from masturbating," the young woman confided to her doctor.

"I can't quite put my finger on it."

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The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

The honest lawyer?

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin....

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A dejected young man boarded a bus and moped up the driver, paid his fair, and trudged to a seat.

The driver tried to cheer him up, "what's wrong mate? you having a bad day? cheer up lad, things'll brighten up" The younger bloke nodded and grimaced a smile, and began to tell the driver of his woe. "I'm 24 and I'm a virgin, I'm not attractive and it
never just seemed to work out with girls, s...

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Bad boss

My friend Monica confided in me today:

My boss is a horrible man. He says awful things to me.

If he does not take back his words,

seriously, I will pack my shit and I will get the hell out from there.

So I asked: What did he tell you?

She answer:

He told m...

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Hey, it happens as you get older

NSFW

30 years ago I saw a sideshow that touted, "Harold, the Magnificent Jew"

Intrigued I paid the entrance fee and had a seat in a packed tent with about 50 others.

In the back of the tent was a table on a small stage. The sideshow barker came out with a large fellow in just a ...

A Card

”Man, am I scared!” confided Paddy to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. ”I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.”

”Well, stay away from his wife,” advised Seamus, ”and you have got no problem.”

”How can I?” moaned Paddy, ...

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Good Mother in Law

A woman confided to her mother that she wanted to divorce her rich husband because he wanted anal sex all the time.
The daughter explained to her mom that when they got married her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mother said, “He buys you a multimillion do...

A man was walking in the woods when he was attacked by a wolf

The man miraculously managed to escape from the wolf with just a deep bite on the arm.


While he was being treated by the doctor, he confided that he thought it might have been a werewolf, so the doctor, humoring him, decided to run some tests.


"Good news," said the doctor...

Quarantine time is so dangerous for me,I got so friendly with my wife..

That i almost confided the relationship problems with my girlfriend....

When I was in high school, I had a girl in the back seat of my car...

She confided in me, "I think you're really hot, but I've never hooked up with anyone before, and I don't know what to do."

I replied, "Me either, but don't worry. We'll finger it out."

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A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.

"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"

"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece...

The Redditor Named Jock

After years of intense research, Jock had figured out a cure to every illness and disease known to man, mainly using Reddit as his go-to website.
Throughout his research, Jock had only confided in one person, his trustworthy PA. Because of this, Jock had never been acknowledged for his work, and...

A true story from Warren Buffett

One day Mr. Buffett invited a jeweler over to show some jewels to his other friends during a vacation, but was worried about the security of the hotel.

“See that safe?” the jeweler said. “This afternoon we changed the combination and now even the hotel management doesn’t know what it is.” War...

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The English gentleman..

..Mr. Harold James Blessing was a renowned person. He’d retired from service in the British Army, and was revered and liked by all in the town for his best qualities.

One day, while visiting the countryside where he was quite popular, he spotted an immensely pretty, dazzling, drop dead gorgeo...

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The Astronomer

An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the
same lecture night after night.  He confided this state of mind to his
chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination.  The chauffeur
expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
     "I've got it!" sa...

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