Today I realized my most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock.

Everytime it goes off, I get woke.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Two friends go for a hike...

Two friends, Dave and Darren, go on an adventure hike which would last for months. Two months in they get a bit tired of each other and decide to split up for four days and rendezvous at a mutually known bar in a nearby town.

Four days later they meet up and are back in the groove. Dave goes...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

*Edit: Thanks for enlightening me, looks like you can't get bailed out of prison. I guess you could say my ass is fucked.

Last night I had a dream that I lost some weight

It was enlightening.

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A 96 year old goes for a physical checkup...

A 96 year old man goes for a physical checkup with his family doctor.

Once he is finished, the doctor looks at the old man and tells him, "Well Alfred, as far as anyone is concerned, you're in top physical shape. You are as healthy as a 50 year old."

"That's great to hear, I feel grea...

I walked into a lamppost the other day.

It was an enlightening experience.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with th...

I set my old school books on fire yesterday.

Never before had they been so enlightening.

While walking the dog tonight I heard new ideas and perspectives coming from the forest...

Then I realized it was enlightening bugs.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

[Oldie but an goldie] A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet...

While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the s...

The Dalai Lama walks into a Subway...

Greetings, Sandwich Artist!

*Hello, sir. How can I help you today? *

I'd like a Chicken, Bacon Ranch sandwich. Footlong on Honey Wheat.

*Would you like that toasted? *

Yes, please.

*(Worker places sandwich in oven, pulling it out as it finishes the toasting) So ho...

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