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BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.

"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."

Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."


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A Man wants to go on a fishing trip with his wife and dog, but his wife doesn’t want to go. He says you can either go on the trip, suck my dick, or take it in the butt. She doesn’t want to do any but decides to give him a BJ.

“This tastes like shit!” She says “Yeah, the dog didn’t want to go either.”

Who gives the best BJ’s in school?

The Headmaster

Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon his arrival, the Devil greets him warmly and with an especially big smile on his face.

Devil:”Donald Trump, welcome to hell! I had an especially difficult time selecting your eternal punishment, and so for a treat I’m going to allow you to choose one one three doors and take the place o...

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Eskimo BJ

I asked an Eskimo Prositute for a blowjob once...

All she did was rub her nose on my dick

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Ear sex

Husband tells his wife of 20 yrs to get ready because that night they're doing it in the ear. She protests thats crazy and she'll end up deaf. He replies that's nonsense because despite all the BJ's she never shuts the fuck up

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What’s the difference between a BJ and anal?

One will make your whole day, the other will make your hole weak

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Guy starts chatting to pretty woman at a party

Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men,...

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

What do you call conversation during BJ

Job Interview

Food for thought

Whenever you blow a dandelion, you actually give it a bj since you help it to get rid of its seeds

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Wearing Crocs is similar to getting a BJ from a guy.

Feels great, until you look down and realize you're gay.

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First BJ

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. The bartender looks at him and asks him what he’d like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself. The bartender looks at the man and says

“Four shots for yourself? What’s the special occasion?”

To which the...

I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice

I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.

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A man says to his doctor "Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem"

The doctor says "Tell me about your sex life,"

The man says "Well, first thing in the morning, the wife and I have a quick 'morning glory'. Then I go to work and about eleven o'clock my secretary gives me a BJ at my desk. I nip home at lunchtime and do the wife over the kitchen table, then af...

I wrote this joke about a joke shop

A man sees a Joke Shop. He goes in.

There are three lines.

He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.

He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"

He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out l...

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Three woman we’re gossiping about their sex lives

'I noticed some time ago', said the first one about her boyfriend, 'that Tom's balls are cold while giving him a bj'.

'That's funny,' says the second one. 'I noticed the same thing with Peter's balls!'

The third one says: 'I never really paid attention to that. I'm gonna try it out wit...

A man and a leprechaun

Disclaimer: This is a Russian joke which I am translating after a few too many glasses of wine.

A man walks into a washroom. Lo and behold, he sees a leprechaun doing his business.
The guy is elated, he grabs the leprechaun  and exclaims "Aha! I got you! Now you have to grant me a wish". ...

If BJ is Bad Joke then what is B+iJ?

Complex Bad Joke.

And if you didn't find it funny, that's because the Joke part was imaginary.

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Surprise bj

I woke up to a surprise blowjob today.
I should really start sleeping with my mouth closed

BJ: Dad why did you name me BJ?

Dad: Because I wished you were one!

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Being the spokesperson for BJ's or Dick's must be a pretty hard job.

*difficult job

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It's 2am. This guy is walking back his date to her apartment building...

They're standing in front of the building entrance

"C'mon Mary, you know I like you. Just give me a little kiss on my dick before you go? Just a quick bj, that's all..."

*"I'm not like that, Jonh. I don't think I should"*

"Mary, you know I like you a lot. We had a great date. Wh...

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After a BJ, the girl asked the jedi how it felt. (NSFW)

He replied "It was as if millions of potential voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced"

A bee decided to become a disc jockey. They called it a BJ.

It really sucks though.

I rang a local escort agency and asked for a BJ....

She put me through to their head office

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A man getting a BJ from a 65 year old prostitute and a man walking a mile high tight rope are thinking the same thing.

Don't Look Down

NSFW Why are nurses bad at giving BJs?

They always wait for the swelling to go down.

Office Bj's

Quickest way to get a head.

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Two friends go for a hike...

Two friends, Dave and Darren, go on an adventure hike which would last for months. Two months in they get a bit tired of each other and decide to split up for four days and rendezvous at a mutually known bar in a nearby town.

Four days later they meet up and are back in the groove. Dave goes...

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ!

If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

Fun fact, I actually got a BJ before I had my first kiss.

Yes, I'm that flexible.

An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought...What is it?

Don't look down!

My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.

I woke up to a surprise BJ this morning...

That’s the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

What's the difference between a BJ and reddit gold?

Your mom never gave me reddit gold.

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A blind hooker tried to give me a BJ once

she said I had the biggest penis ever. I said "Ha, you're pulling my leg"

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

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A hooker walks into a bar...

A hooker is sitting at the bar when a date walks up.

“How much for a handjob?”he asks the hooker


$500?!?!? That’s outrageous!

Hooker points out the window to a Ferrari
“Honey, see that Ferrari out there? I bought that car by giving the best handjobs.”


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A pimp is breaking in his new bitch.

Pimp: Listen. If you wanna be my woman, your gonna have to make me some money.

Hoe: But I've never done anything like this before.

Pimp: Don't worry. You go and put on your sexiest dress and stand under that lamppost. I'll be back here. Any problems. Just come back and tell me, and and...

Told my boss that I wasn't coming in because my wife refused to give me a BJ.

He sighed and said, "Frankly, Tom, I think that's unacceptable."

"Exactly," I said. "But try telling her that."

A girl is giving a BJ to her brother

... when the brother tells her "Hey, you do that better than mum!"

To which she replies "That's exactly what dad told me."

What do you call it when a boxer gives Dracula a BJ?

Going down for the count

"I made $200.05 giving BJ's to people yesterday."

"Who gave you a nickel?"

"Everyone did."

What's the worst thing you can hear after giving Willie Nelson a bj?

I'm not Willie Nelson.

A guy walks into a bar..

.... he notices a monkey sitting at the bar. He asks the bartender, "what's with the monkey?" The bartender walks around, sits next to the monkey, and smacks it upside the head with a pan. The monkey goes down and gives him a bj. The bartender walks back and says "pretty cool eh, you want to give ...

Great Britains new Prime Minister

Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!

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A man is in vegas and decides to walk along the strip after a long night of gambling...

All of a sudden, the man is approached by a hooker.

Hoping to end the night well, the man asks "How much for a hand job?"

"$1000" replies the hooker.

"$1000? That's an insane amount for a hand job!" says the man as he begins to walk away.

The hooker stops him and says "Se...

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Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

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A man went to a hotel and was looking for a bj...

...He asked the hotel manager where he could find hookers in that area. She was an old lady with a wooden eye, so he wasn't sure if she would know but it was worth the shot. She said that she gave blowjobs and the man was so desperate at this point he just said sure why not. The lady walked him into...

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A woman spots an attractive man in a bar.

"Hi", she says. "My name is Carmen"
"Well, that's a beautiful name" he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she said. "I gave it to myself as it reflects the things I like most - cars and men"
"What's your name?" she asked.
"BJ Titsbeerngolf" he replied.

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[NSFW]After a round of golf...

a guy heads back to the club house. There, he sees a beautiful, blonde, big breasted woman, and naturally, he heads over to flirt with her. They hit it off, and decide to play a round together.

He is doing his best to impress, but she cleans his clock, winning by 9 strokes. Embarrassed, his m...

A man named Tucker, dies and goes to hell

There, a demon takes Tucker to a hallway with three doors. The demon says (in a deep demonic voice) “You must choose one room, where you will spend the next thousand years!”

The demon opens the first door. Inside there is a man in a pit of fire, screaming in agony. Tucker says “Nooo no no! De...

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Her name was Carmen...

Carmen is invited to a party, and decides to go solo. Once there, she quickly discovers she doesn't know anyone, and moves to the bar to grab a drink. Scoping out the partiers in the hopes of finding someone she knows, she spots a good looking young man in the corner, also all alone. She approach...

So this guy loses all his money in Vegas...

...& doesn't have cab fare to airport. He hails taxi anyway, explains situation & promises to send fare from home. He offers credit card #'s, drivers license #, his address, etc...

Cabbie: ''If you don't have 15 bucks, get the hell out of my cab loser!''
He ends up walking 5 mi...

An Original Holiday Joke

What do you call it when a wife is required to give her husband a BJ on Thanksgiving?

A gobligation.

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Two guys camping in the woods (nsfw)

Two guys have been out camping in the bush for so long they're getting sick of each other. So, they decide to split up for a day, one goes north and one goes south, and they meet back at camp the next morning with a little less hate toward each other. North guy asks South guy what he saw-

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So my wife bought one of those orgasm alarm clocks. After seeing how well it worked, I decided to go online and find the male version.

It's safe to say she wasn't to pleased when I was woken up with a bj from a prostitute.

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A young couple was down on their luck. Had lost everything,

nowhere to turn and out of options. The husband says to his wife, "Honey, I don't know what else to do to make some money. You are going to have to go work the streets"

Wife replies, "But I have never done that before I would not have any idea what to do."

Husband says, "Don't worry,...

Bj at a young age.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small,...

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A man loves to duck hunt one night his wife asks to go with him the next day

He told her she could. The next morning he wakes up gets the dog, grabs the guns and the decoys and wakes her up. She looks at the clock, sees it’s 3:45 and tells him she’s going back to sleep. He says “you have 3 choices. You give me a BJ, you let me put it in your ass, or you’re going hunting. She...

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A blonde shows up to a bar where two of her lovers are drinking together and telling sex stories.

The guys think they're dating different chicks and don't see her come in. She sneaks over to a table by the jukebox and listens in.

"It was straight up the most enthusiastic BJ ever," the first guy says. "It was like she was trying to break the bob a knob speed record. And she literally had n...

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A guy gets matched with a couple and a gorgeous blonde for a round of golf...

During the round he flirts with the blonde a bit. On the 16th, he says, "How about after the round, I buy you a drink at the club house?"

"I have a better idea," she replies, "I have a place on the lake not far from here. Why don't we head there for some fun. "

Not believing his l...

A son asks his dad:"Dad, why is my sisters name Rose?"

The dad answers: "Well it's because on our first date, I gave your mother roses, and she has loved them ever since."

Son: "Wow, thanks dad!"

Dad: "No problem, Bj."

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Things are tough al over

A man was having a hard time keeping ends meet so he had a talk to his wife, which was very beautiful and had a great body. "Wife, I do not think we will have enough money this month so I am going to need you help", he said. She responded; " Anything I can do, how can I help?" He responded; "Well I ...

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A guy walks into the bar looking for a lady of the night...

He strikes out a few times and is drinking at the bar, when a pretty woman sits next to him and strikes up a chat. Assuming she's a prostitute, he asks her bluntly, "Ok lady, how much for a hand job?". "$100" she replied without hesitation. He says, "$100? Why so much?". The lady points outside and ...

I didnt learn anything in college...

I guess it was kind of my fault though. I double majored in psychology, and reverse psychology.

(Stolen from BJ Novak)

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A man is in a bar when...

A man is having a drink at a local bar and a gorgeous woman comes in and sits down next to him. They talk a little then he asks her name.
"Carmen" she says.
He, of course, he compliments her name and asks where it came from.
With a very sultry look, she says she chose that name herse...

“Dad, why is my sisters name Rose?”

“Because your mom loves roses.”

“Thanks dad!”

“You’re welcome BJ.”

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A husband wakes his wife up on a Saturday morning....NSFW

The wife asks the husband "morning hun, what should we do today?"

Husband says "I'd like to go hunting"

Wife: "I don't want to go hunting today! That's boring"

Husband: "Well then if I can't go hunting then I'd at least like to get some action. Lets try something new. I want t...

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"Santa Claus"

A girl is sitting at the edge of a tall building, contemplating suicide on Christmas day. Santa Claus sees the girl and sits down beside her.

"What's wrong my child?" asks the man.

"I have no job, no friends and no one who loves me and today i'm reminded of this even more.. there's no ...

Obama died, and, as usual for any president, he was lead to the hell.

Satan looked at him “ Mmmm, I can see that you have been elected twice as President. Also, you are one of a kind. So, I am giving you a rare opportunity. You can see the other inmates in hell and select your eternal fate. If you chose their fate, they will be sent to heaven”.

With nothing to ...

What is R. Kelly's favorite sandwich?


Priest is about to give confession...has to make an emergency trip to the bathroom...

He opens the back door and looks for anyone to help him as the line up is getting long. All he finds is the custodian.

He signals to him and asks to cover for him. The custodian says he has no idea what to do.

"That's easy. Just listen to the confession, look on the wall inside th...

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So when I was an altar boy when I was a kid...

...and its not all that you'd think it would be. Contrary to popular belief, an aletrboy's true purpose is to put up with the priests shit, and to pick up the slack when he drops the ball. Anyway, one day I was sweeping the chapel floor when i heard somebody whisper my name. I looked around and saw ...

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A beautiful woman alone, at the end of the bar

A man sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the end of the bar he walks up to her and asks her her name, and offers to buy her a drink.

Funny you should ask she says I actually named myself. I chose the two things I love the most cars, and men my name is Carmen.

The man says “Wow! W...

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What's In A Name

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sees a beautiful redhead at the end of the bar and figures he'll chat her up.

They get to talking and enjoying each other's company and as the bar starts to close down he realizes he didn't get her name.
"So what's your name?" he asks.

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Saw a beautiful lady out the other night... I went up to her I asked what her name was and she said "Carmen Gold."
I said, "What a beautiful name! What nationality is the last name 'Gold?'"
"Oh no, I changed my name to reflect what I really love. I love cars, men, and gold jewelry. So what's your name again?"
"My name's BJ Tits...

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So a man is a little drunk at the bar

And he has decided that he's feeling a little randy, and there is a prostitute at the same bar that he wants to approach. So he asks his buddy for 20$, then goes and approaches the girl. He asks her how much to get laid, and she says "100$". He frowns, knowing that he doesn't have that much and i...

A salesman walks into a bar and and asks the female bartender what the specials are...

She says it’s $5 for a club sandwich and $20 for a bj. Salesman looks at her and and asks her “do you give hand jobs?” To which she responds “Yes that’s $15.”

Salesman looks and her, slips her a $10 and says “that’s $5 for the sandwich and another $5 for you to wash your hands before you mak...

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So a husband and wife are driving down the highway

The husband had been secretly having an affair with the secretary from his work. His wife recently found out but he had no idea she knew.

So the wife says to him "I'm feeling a little frisky. I've never given you a BJ while driving before" so she leans over and starts to service him. After a...

What's a Tijuana hooker's favorite president?

El BJ!

So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks

Why do you look so sad and the horse says well i haven't gotten a bj in months the bartender says she will do it so she gets on her knees and starts sucking the horse off. The horse is so big she has to stretch her lips out as far as they can go Then the horse looks down and asks why the long face?

So I was on a plane when the pilot makes his announcement..

"We will be arriving at our destination in 3 hours..." But he forgot to turn off the microphone and says to his co-pilot "Ahhh, I could really do with a BJ and a coffee right now!". So a flight attendant runs to the front of the plane and as she ran past I then said "HEY! Don't forget the coffee!"

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3 Generations of Prostitutes

There are 3 generations of prostitutes sitting in the living room watching Steve Wilkos together. A daughter, her mother, and her grandmother. The daughter starts complaining to her mother, "I can't believe i only got $50 for giving a BJ today!". Her mother gasps, "$50! Back in my day we were lucky ...

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So a young couple is coming home from a date

And they arrive at her doorstep. They kiss goodnight and it heats up fast. He leans against the wall and says

"Hey babe... how'd you feel about giving me a quick BJ?" She's surprised.

"What? No! what if someone sees!"

"Relax! no one'll see, it's dark out here, it's late, eve...

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A truck driver walks into a bar...

He tells the bartender "give me a whiskey, straight up". The bartender pours him a whiskey, the truck driver takes it, sloshes it around in his mouth, and spits it out on the floor. He asks the bartender for another. The bartender obliges and pours him another whiskey. Once again, the truck driver s...

The US is waking up to news of Brexit 'Vote Leave' win...

Bill Clinton leads 'BJ for Prime Minister' calls.

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A beautiful woman walks into a bar...

...John, seeing this women is immediately flustered and strikes up a conversation. After much small talk, he asks for her name. She tells him her name is "Carmen".

"Thats an interesting name for a woman" says John.

"That's not my real name, I actually really dislike my first name so ...

"If I could have dinner with any person, dead or alive...

..I would choose alive."

-BJ Novak-

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A truck driver stopped and lifted a prostitute

While on the highway, she was giving him a BJ and just when he was going to finish he twitched and accidentaly flipped the truck causing a huge wreckage and his dick falling off and flying away.

On the other side of the road came a car with a dad and his 10 year old daughter. Out of the blue ...

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A strip club owner is lamenting about his dwindling business to his wife.

A strip club owner is eating breakfast with his wife. He begins to cry. "Honey, things are changing. Men just ain't spending money at titty bars like they used to."

"Oh that can't be." She responds. "There are some things men will always go to a strip club for."

"But honey, I've tried ...

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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

This guy goes to Vegas and wins $10,000. Excited he decides to get himself a prostitute, find the most beautiful one, takes her to the room asks" how much for sex"?
"Sex"? Says the prostitute "I jerk ppl off for $5,000"
5,000 for a jerk? You must be crazy!!
So prostitute comes to the windo...

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Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body...

**...that's how tight my girlfriend's pussy is.**

^Credit ^to ^BJ ^Novak's ^"One ^More ^Thing: ^Stories ^and ^Other ^Stories" ^which ^is ^where ^I ^encountered ^this ^joke.

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the great fishing expedition...

husband plans fishing trip with his family. the day of the trip comes and his wife yells from the kitchen "it's raining, i'm not going". he walks downstairs and says sternly, "listen lady, either you come on this fucking fishing trip, you're sucking my dick or I get to slip it in your backdoor... so...

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