UPJOKE

Hey Babe Jokes

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

Me: Hey babe, I’ve got a huge throbbing hard-on with your name on it!

Her: Are you sure it isn't just my initials?

Hey babe, can I be your first derivative?

Because I want to lie tangent to your curves...

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her...

Hey babe, I think I have some quarks in my pants.

Either that or it’s a firmy-on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey babe, do you want the best sex you could ever have?

Her: No thanks



Me: Then you have found the right guy!

Hey babe are you an angel?

Because I'm allergic to feathers.

Me: Hey babe, are you a federal student loan?

Me: hey babe, are you a federal student loan? Because it looks like you have low interest

My date: Yep.

Me: oh

I rang my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger." "Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.

"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."

A wife gives her husband a cheating test.

A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on t...

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(Boyfriend) Hey babe, I was in a terrible accident at work...Denise drove me to the hospital and the doctors said I might lose my right leg.

(Girlfriend) Who the fuck is Denise?

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

A Beer Before It Starts

Husband sitting on the couch watching TV, yells to the wife in the kitchen “hey babe, will you bring me a beer before it starts?”
Wife: sure

10-15 minutes go by....

Husband: hey babe, will you bring me another beer before it starts?
Wife: I suppose

This continues several m...

COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Baby, do you need toilet pape...

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Whats the difference between a causal dress party and having sex

Me: hey babe

Wife: hm?

Me: what’s the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate having sex?

Wife: oh god here we go.

Me:

Me: one, you come as you are…

Me: the other, you “ARRRR!!” as you cum

Wife: get out.

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A man gets home after a long day at work

He sits down on the couch and calls out to his wife "Hey babe, will you get me a beer before it starts?" She gladly goes to the fridge and gets him a beer, pops the top and brings it to him then goes into the kitchen to start dinner. About half an hour later she hears "Hey babe, will you get me a be...

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Husband takes hot wife to the zoo.

They walk around and see the Tiger, then they move on to next cage and see the bears and after they see all the animals they go and see the gorilla, they get really close the cage and the gorilla gets a bit exited about the hot wife, so husband notices that and tells the wife,
"Hey babe lift up ...

My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico”

Me: “Hey babe what do you wanna eat?”

Her: “Nothing”

Me: *flies to Africa*

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I was having difficulty to get it hard during sex..

My partner said to me

Hey babe why UBISOFT?

A blonde calls her boyfriend...

One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend.

"Hey Babe!"

"Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..."

The boyfriend was a little confused, as she d...

My girlfriend is so smart

I called her from my friends phone and when she answered she said “hey babe what’s up?” How did she know it was me?

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Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

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I tried to prank my GF the other day

I asked my friend if I could borrow his phone so that I could send her a text. I texted her "hey babe , wanna fuck?"

She replied " sure"

The prank did'nt go as planned. I don't know how she knew it was me.

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A man's girlfriend shaves her pussy in the shower.

His girlfriend says "Hey babe, I shaved my pussy...you know what that means?"

The man replies "Yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again."

A girl and a boy

Boy: "Hey babe, you wanna come over to my house later on? There will be nobody home."

Girl: "Haha, cool, sure!"

So a couple of hours later the girl went to the boy's house and rang the doorbell, but there was nobody home.

A pick-up line for a lovely lady

Hey babe, are you a fart?

-cause you just blew me away.

An American man walks into a bar...

An American man walks into a bar and grabs a seat. While ordering a pint, he can't help but overhear an obnoxiously loud but indiscernible conversation from three massively large ladies down the bar.

The man calls out to them,, "Hey babes, are you from Scotland?"

Quite rudely, one lad...

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Want to go camping?

A man approaches his wife and asks "hey babe, you want to go camping this weekend? It'll be real fun!"

She groans loudly and makes it quite apparent she doesn't want to go with him.

He says "well if you don't want to go camping, I want anal, or a blowjob."

She grunts and says "...

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Engineering pickup lines

Engineering pickup lines:

Hey babe, what's your factor of safety?

Can I use my sigma to find your tau max?

What frequency does it take to make your O-me-ga

How big does your period need to be to reduce our frequency

How about you and I go have a couple moment
...

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