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Apologetically Jokes

As a Canadian, I reserve the right to be unapologetically apologetic...

And for that, I apologize.

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you will forgive me."

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I am in room number 3134."

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Man killed on golf course

A foursome of guys waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women were hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and f...

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

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A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer are traveling, taking a scenic route through the country when their car breaks down...

It's too late in the day to call a tow truck, so they walk up the road to a small farmhouse to ask for help.

They knock on the door and the farmer warmly greets them. They explain the situation and he says that he doesn't have he necessary equipment to tow them, but if they would like to sta...

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A man works up courage to ask his wife how many sexual partners she had before him

She says "really?" and goes silent. Doesn't say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks - "Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that stupid question?"

Raising her finger she says "Sh...

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A man rents a room, and pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day...

So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal sandwich bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.

When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.

The next day, she makes two sandwiches (...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Done. He was born and raised in the town of Moroccan. Done wasn't very smart, and he was always teased by his peers when he expressed his desire to become a doctor, especially by a disliked and harsh-tempered teacher who would yell at him, "You drive me ...

"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands o...

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Hotel.

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel:

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir." The clerk told him apologetically. "But down the hall from your room is a vendi...

A lady is walking down the street...

and bumps into an old friend. She is surprised to see that he has a hot dog sticking out of his ear.

She says, "Dude, you have a hot dog sticking out of your ear!!"

He frowns and asks, "What?"

She repeats herself a little louder, "Dude, you have a hot dog sticking out of your...

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A man and his monkey enter a bar..

A man and his monkey enter a bar. The man sits down and orders a beer, while the monkey begins to wander and examine his surroundings. The monkey picks up a peanut, smells it, and then swallows it whole. The bartender notices and says, "Hey, did you see what your pet monkey did?"

The man n...

I once went to theatre for a surprise...

As I sat down with my friend we eagerly awaiting what was promised to be an amazing, thought provoking production, acclaimed to bring us a better understanding of the world around us.

The lights darkened and the curtain rose, on the stage sat a single chair, and a thick book, a man came on st...

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tum...

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A blonde goes to a ventriloquist show

The guy is doing his act and at some point starts with jokes about blondes. Infuriated the blonde gets up and shouts: "It's because of shows like this that people don't take blondes seriously! You should be ashamed of yourself for putting down all the blondes... nay, all the women, with your misogyn...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a big orange head sitting alone in the corner.

He walks up to the barman and asks: "What's with that guy over there with the big orange head?"

The barman replies: "Buy him a drink and he might tell you his story"

So the man buys two drinks and walks over to the man with the big orange head sitting in the corner. He sits at his tabl...

A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job

A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job.

The mechanic gapes at the man for a few seconds and then asks, "What did you say?"

"A rim job!" says the man. "My buddy knows all about cars and he took one look at my wheels and said I desperately needed a rim job."

Real...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar that he’s never been to before. The place is busting and seems to be doing well. There are people singing, dancing, and laughing but the first thing he notices is the extremely short person playing piano in the middle of the boisterous crowd. Everyone in the place is infatuate...

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My nan's cat died last week, and I wanted to do something a bit special for her to remember him by.

So I called up a local taxidermist.
"How much to have my nan's cat stuffed and on a wooden plinth, pouncing on a terrified mouse?" I asked.
"About £1,500," came the reply.
"FFFFifteen **hundred** quid?! That's a bit steep, how about curled up like he's sleeping peacefully?"
"Abou...

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A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

Miniskirt

A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first.

She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The miniskirt was far to...

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The Pope comes to visit

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.

The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ev...

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One sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome

On one sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome, there was a beautiful young nun walking back home after the service in the church. The priest who was driving back home in his wagon spots the poor nun walking home in the sweltering heat. Being the gentleman that he was and a servant of the Lord, he stops by ...

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A woman is on vacation in Spain...

A lady goes on vacation to Spain and decides to go to a bull fighting match. She finds it mildly entertaining but is somewhat distressed at the violence inherent in the act. After the show ends she goes to a restaurant near the arena and asks the waiter what he would recommend. He passionately recom...

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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

The Surgeon and the Plumber

A world-famous and very dignified surgeon called a plumber to fix the flooded bathroom in his office.

When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of used overalls. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed doctor smirked in a condescending way and said: "Do you usually...

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