Activ Jokes - 101 Hilarious Activ Jokes

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I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.

Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

TIFU by doing BDSM with my wife's sister, when she suddenly walked into our activity

Whoops, wrong sub.

Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office...

I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon....

that she wanted her labia reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
...

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What is the active ingredient in Viagra?

Mycoxaflopin

What is a soldier's most active day of the year?

March forth!

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The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

I'm going to quit my job and market a line of active-adult diapers and underwear liners with a feline theme.

Gonna call them Puma Pants.

Credit card company called me to report suspicious activity...

I asked what kind of suspicious activity and they said someone made a payment.

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My doctor asked if I was sexually active.

I answered "I use Reddit" and he put down no.

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

Is this sub still active???

I haven't seen a post all year...

What is a plastic surgeon's favorite activity at summer camp?

arts and grafts.

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I was told that my high blood pressure made any sexual activity risky, so I asked my doctor.

After my physical, the doctor told me that I could masturbate anytime I wanted to.

His exact words were, "You could have a stroke at any time!"

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I am sexually active

i run on the treadmill and masturbate at the same time.

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

Animal rights activism

I've been getting into activism for animal rights. Always making sure to buy from companies that test on animals because I really appreciate those companies going outta their way to hire and give animals jobs

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I was first sexually active at 10.

It's now 10:30, and my arm hurts.

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Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

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[NSF] even after 25 years of faithful marriage, i still have a very active sex life

and on rare occasions, my wife decide to join in

Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

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An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

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Just bought my new car stereo, which is voice activated.

If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "FUCKING KIDS!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.

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A sexually active cock

A couple goes to visit a farm. A farmer shows them around and points toward a chicken and says, "This chicken is amazing, he can have sex 300 times a day."

The wife glances meaningfully to the husband and says, "Wow, what an amazing cock."

He husband, wisely, asks the farmer, "But is i...

Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.

Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.

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Little Johnny was participating in a class activity.

The teacher went around asking her students to use random words she gave them in a sentence.
Johnny was asked to use the word facinate in a sentence.
He scratched his head and wondered for a minute then said, "my mom bought me a shirt with 10 buttons but I could only facinate."

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A newlywed bride and groom were about to commence their honeymoon activities

when the bride became annoyed at the groom’s overly enthusiastic advances. “Have some manners like you do at the dinner table!” she scolded. The groom stopped his pawing, sat up straight, straightened his hair, buttoned and smoothed his pajamas. “Good evening madam” said the groom. “You look very lo...

When are bullies the most active?

In the meantime

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Only sexually-active people will get this

STD.

A Farmer with a dog found a new activity group within LGBTQ community.

And BI NGO was it's name.

The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.

(tch tch, that was lame)

Two very active seniors

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you ...

What's Doom guy's favourite winter time activity?

Sleighing

When I die, I want to be buried in an area with lots of seismic activity

Strictly for the good vibes

What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity?

Making their wrist look like their jeans.
(I'm sorry)

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4 out of 5 physicians say that having an active sex life is normal.

So yes, we’re all very special.

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

Why must it be a group activity?

My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub

So I've started smoking

Going to the gun range is a pretty fun activity for its price

You get the most bang for your buck

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My doctor asked me how often I'm sexually active, and I told him that I have sex a number of times each week.

Zero is a number.

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What is a pansexual's guilty pleasure activity?

Washing the dishes.

All my friends know my second favorite activity is making bad jokes.

My favorite activity is making lists that start at two.

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What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity?

Deflatio

Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode'

Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises.

So they've started planting trees actively nowadays.

Well that's a releaf

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

What's a necrophilic pirate's favorite activity?

Digging for booty.

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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

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A mother found out condoms in her daughter's dresser. She is obviously concerned, so she asks her, "Are you sexually active?" The daughter replies...

Not really, mom. I just sort of lie there.

What’s a seal’s favorite social activity?

Clubbing...

I’m so sorry

What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.

The most active user on reddit:

[deleted].
Seriously this guy is everywhere.

TIL that a chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought

When colleges ask for my leadership activities...

"I'm a mod on reddit."

What would you call a woman who actively encourages her husband to sleep with her friends?

Sharon Cox

What food did the Italian wife make before a night of kinky activities?

Fetish-ini

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Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: [drinking an entire glass of water]
My puppet: No.

What band was named after an oyster’s least favorite bedroom activity?

Pearl Jam

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

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What activity is easier as it gets harder?

Pissing on the ceiling

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

If you activate a bomb, how do you deactivate it?

Quick answers please.

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

A cop was patrolling a neighborhood after receiving a call from dispatch about suspicious activity.

He stopped a man walking past and asked, "Seen anything unusual?"

"I saw a dolphin wearing a hat once," said the man.

"I meant around here," the cop said annoyed.

*"Nah man, they live in the water."*

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Out of all of the millions of animal species on Earth, only humans and bonobos enjoy sex as a recreational activity

Don’t ask me how I know.

During activities I'm like batteries

I'm never included

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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition ...

I finally found an active Hillary Clinton sub with a lot of subscribers!

/r/politics

All of this vegan activism just makes no sense.....

Normally they don't want no beef.

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Did you hear about the sexually active squirrel on cocaine?

He was fucking nuts

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I wouldn't say pooping is my favorite activity.....

But it's a solid number two.

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

What do you call a Prime Minister who spies on all your activities?

Justin Truding.

hehe.

An expert on paranormal activity is doing a lecture tour.

He arrives at his most recent lecture location and goes inside to a packed auditorium.

He clears his throat and says "excellent, let us begin. How many people here believe in ghosts? "

Every hand in the rooms goes up.

" That's what I value, a truly open mind" he says. " Now, ...

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Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

I encountered some paranormal activity at the local airport.

My plane wasn't delayed.

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What’s a key activity in the comedic orgasm process?

Pun-ilingus

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..

Unfortunately, the shape is potato.

What do you call an politically active Ewok ?

An Ewoke

Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking?

It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”

A high quality post on a website with active comment section

*Top Comment *
Thank you for the gold stranger

What do you call a Transformer that engages in illegal activities?

Optimus *Crime*.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

A year ago,I tried to network around and create a group of guys with similar taste and do activities together.

For some reason, the prosecuting lawyer and media keep mentioning it as a ring.

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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

Many horses were asked if they like being used for riding or other activities...

...the unanimously answer was "neigh".

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What do you call a music group that has been participating in illegal activity online

The Black IPs

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How can you tell if a mechanic has an active sex life?

One of his fingers is perfectly clean.

My girlfriend keeps turning down my invite to the medieval fare because she's busy with "activism" and "planning women's marches".

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

I've come into a lot of cash recently doing unethical activities

If it wasn't dirty money before, it certainly is now.

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If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight?

Developing cancer.

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