UPJOKE
waleswelshmanscottisheuropeanirishcelticbritishcymrucambriadevongaelicenglishwelsh blacksaxonbreton

Welsh Jokes

Welsh pub

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer.

All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?"

"No," replied the man, "I'm from London."

"So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A journalist wants to write an article about the life of Welsh farmers...

When he finds one, amidst the questions he asks: "What was the best day of your life?"

The farmer answers:" One day we lost a sheep. We looked everywhere, and when we finally found her, we wanted to celebrate, so we fucked her!".

The journalist is taken aback, he can't really...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman goes up to a Welsh farmer

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar...

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me Jones the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He ...

Do dolphins speak Welsh?

Or is it just Wales.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a welsh man was asked if he would have sex with a sheep for 1000$

the welsh man said "sure but under three conditions."

first, the sheep shouldn't have any diseases obviously

secondly, I don't want anyone i know to hear about this

and finally, give me a week to gather the 1000 dollars for you

The first Condom was invented by the Welsh using sheep intestines

The English improved upon the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting and fell asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks a Welsh farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

What does the Welsh football team captain do to his opponents?

Wrexham

how do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly

What do you call a man who is half Welsh & half Hungarian?

Well hung

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Legendary Welsh singer Tom Jones visits Legendary Liverpudlian Cilla Black,with an offer of amazing sexy sex.

He says, "I'll make love to you three times, and each time will be better than the last. It'll be the best sex you've ever ever had. I'll need a sleep in between bouts, but apart from that it'll be sex sex sexy sex."

Cilla Black agrees, and Tom Jones, true to his word, gives her the most amaz...

The Welsh language...

...was invented by someone losing at Scrabble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

The wife just told me"I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".....

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

Just found out that Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.

Certainly explains why he wanted all those lambs to keep quiet.

Welsh joke *long*

This was told to me 35 years ago by Boyd Clack (google him for his works)

Small welsh village and the local vicar has been told that his sermon this week needs to be about the doctrine of the Church of Wales as there had been lots of rumours about the village of ghost sightings.

"and m...

A Welsh man goes for an eye test.

Doctor: Can you read this chart from top to bottom please.

Welshman: Read it!? I know the guy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor mermaid

Paddy English man, Irish man and Welsh man are on the beach. They see a mermaid sitting on a rock. The most beautiful creature they had ever seen.

English man goes up and asks, have you every been kissed? The mermaid is all coy and says no. English man gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.Wel...

I used to date a Welsh girl with 32 D’s.

It was a ridiculously long name.

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.

"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.

"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly scept...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man, An Irish man, and a welsh man are hiding in a barn from a nazi officer

The English man tells the Irish man and the welsh man to hide in burlap sacks and they all hide in the sacks

The Nazi officer walks into the barn and kicks the first sack and the English man yells “Meow” and the nazi officer says “Must be a cat”

The officer walks to the second sack k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender says: "This is a Welsh bar ya motherfuckers!"

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do so many Welsh people have insomnia?

Every time they start counting sheep they have to stop for a wank

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A Welsh coal miner is met at the door by his obviously angry wife....

when he arrives still drunk from the weekend on Sunday morning.

She asked him: "Did you not get paid Friday for working all month?"

He replies (with a belch): That I did, my lovely woman!"

She glares back at him, "And how much of that month's pay do you have left?"

Barely...

An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I kno...

I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs.

Longest surname I've ever seen.

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and s...

How does a Welsh man find a sheep in talk grass?

Irresistible.

An English man, a Welsh man and a Scottish man find a lamp

One of them give it a rub and a genie pops out.
"Thank you for releasing me! You can have 3 wishes, so I that makes it one wish each!"


The Welsh guy goes first, he looks a little shifty, but decides to go ahead anyway
"Genie is it? Alright so, I want you to build a wall betwee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do Welsh farmers practice safe sex?

Spray a red 'X' on the back of ones that kick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I don’t get why Welsh people have sex with sheep

It’s not very in-deering

A Welshman walks into his bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow!"

The man turns to the sheep and chuckles, "She thinks I'm talking to her."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had sex with a Welsh girl last night...

Managed to make her cwm

My Welsh grandfather passed away yesterday

He died peacefully in his sheep.

My mom's Welsh and my dad's Hungarian

Her: What's that make you?

Me: Wel-hung

I got my ancestry results back and I'm part Welsh and Hungarian.

I am well hung

An Irish man a Scots man an welsh man and a English man...

Are on a flight but it is crashing and one person needs to jump off so the welsh man go’s for country and jumps of the piolet says that another person has to jump off so the Irish man says for country and jumps off the says only only person will be able to stay so the Scots man says for country and ...

Two members of Welsh rock band The Automatic have quit.

The remaining two now call themselves The Semi-automatic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do Welshmen shag sheep?

Caerphilly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Welsh Farmer...

...walks over to his wife with a sheep under his arm. He announces loudly, 'This is the Pig I've been fucking.' His wife looks at the poor creature and says, 'Gethin, you silly bastard, that's a sheep not a pig!' Gethin replies, 'I wasn't talking to you.'

I have a friend who is half Welsh and half Vietnamese

I call that a Wyn Nguyen

The Welsh were the first people to use a sheep's intestine as a condom.

The English improved the design by removing the rest of the sheep prior to use.

I was in the car the other day with the Misses when she said to me " im sure the people in the car next to us are welsh" What makes you think that i said.

" well cos the kids in the back are writing "stit ruoy su wohs" on the window.........

I forget the name of it, but my favourite TV show is that one where you’ve got to try and guess which one is lying and which one is telling the truth. Presented by that Welsh guy.

What’s it called again?

Oh yeah, The News.

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Dylan, a Welsh farmer who'd had a few too many headed to the pub's men's room when nature called.....

While standing at the urinal trough he suddenly had a puzzled look on his face. He quickly finished his business and ran out to speak to the bartender. Leaning in close he whispered to the bartender:

"I know I'm pretty drunk, but I swear I saw a black guy with a white dick in the bathroom! Hu...

How do you say goodbye to a Welsh person?

Farewelsh.

We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said…

"Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front."

The Welsh are a very shy people

They're really quite sheepish...

The Welsh have been using sheep intestine as a contraceptive for hundreds of years.

It is only recently that they have decided to take the intestine out of the sheep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Armless Man on the Beach

Three women see a man lying on the shore of a beach and decide to approach him. The man has no arms or legs. Feeling sorry for the poor man, the British woman of the bunch goes over to him.
"Have you ever been hugged?" The British woman asks.
"No." The man replies, sadly. So the British woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Welsh men and Apple users have in common?

Both are fucking sheep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Welsh Airways plane experiences technical trouble...

Welsh Airways pilots Dai and Rhodri are struggling to control their stricken aircraft as it plummets towards the ground. The aircraft is loaded with high value cargo, including a flock of award winning sheep.

Rhodri: "We're going to have to crash land somewhere!"

Dai: "But what about ...

Where do Welsh sheep farmers take their fleece to send overseas?

OooOooo woolwarves of London

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.

"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."

"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsm...

Why are Welsh farmers no good at producing animals?

They only rear sheep

Did you hear about the Welsh baseball referee who circles the world each day?

The sun never sets on the British umpire.

What do the Welsh call a sheep when it's tied to a lamp post?

The leisure centre.

A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence

The father says to the son "Watch this." and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son "Your turn, son." The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.