Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.

S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."

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An Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

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Woman visits the antique store

And find a beautiful wardrobe. She decide to buy, but says, that it is too big and won't fit through her door.

The clerk tells her that they can disassemble it, deliver to her house and then assemble it again. She accept so they do just that.

Next day woman calls to the store explainin...

Don't know what it is about French ducks...

...but they have a certain je ne sais quack about them.

Guy walks in to an optometrist office and sais "Eye-Doctor"?...

Doctor sais, "oh what a coincidence,
I doctor too"

The farmer and the pigs

A farmer, struggeling through deression, is sitting in a bar talking to his neighbour: "I have no Idea to survive,I own 25 sows but no boar. And I can't afford to buy one or arrange a fertilization. If I'd be able to breed piglets, i could sell them and make money.." The neigbour sais: " No Problem,...

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Ni Ka Sai!

An Important rep goes to Japan to meet potential customers.

he takes them out to a local golf course for a round of golf.

when they start off on the first hole, our Rep makes a huge miss and ends up on the 18th hole green. not only that its a Hole in one!

all the japanese custom...

Farmer ike and his churl chester are working the fields

Farmer ike and his churl chester are working the fields when it starts raining. the farmer sais: chester, go to the house and fetch me my wellys, for its starting to rain!

chester heads to the house, and when he enters through the kittchen he sees the farmers wife and daughter perpearing the ...

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My wife sais she's leaving me cause I exaggerate too much

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock!

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A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

‌‌I go‌‌t ‌‌a massag‌‌e las‌‌t week an‌‌d i‌‌t wa‌‌s th‌‌e firs‌‌t tim‌‌e ‌‌I ha‌‌d ‌‌a gu‌‌y masseuse‌‌.

S‌‌o we'r‌‌e lik‌‌e 1‌‌0 minute‌‌s i‌‌n ‌‌I jus‌‌t ha‌‌d t‌‌o ask‌‌, "I‌‌s gettin‌‌g a‌‌n erectio‌‌n normal‌‌?"

H‌‌e sai‌‌d, "Ye‌‌s the‌‌y ar‌‌e ver‌‌y common‌‌."

An‌‌d ‌‌I wa‌‌s like‌‌, "Wel‌‌l ca‌‌n yo‌‌u ge‌‌t i‌‌t ou‌‌t o‌‌f m‌‌y face...?"

The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.

They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?

"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest....

My husband's most recent musing:

Is an ignorant duck a "Je ne sais quack?"

A blonde buys a chainsaw

A blonde buys a chainsaw to cut down some trees in her backyard and gets the one that sais "Guaranteed to cut down 100 trees a day" on the box.
"Great" she thinks "I only want to cut down 5 trees, but I bet this one will get the job done in no time at all!"


Three days later returns...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

Apparently, Google is not that smart as people think

Recently I asked Google Translator, how "Je ne sais pas" is translated, and it replied: "I do not know".

Another joke about Tommy, who has no arms and legs

Tommy was in the garden, playing in the sandbox. As he has no arms, he uses his mouth to pick up the shovels and his other sandbox toys.

As Tommy is happily playing along, his mother opens the window of their flat - which is on the 50th floor - and shouts: "Tommy! Lunch is ready!". Because to...

Blonds in the woods

There were three blonds walking through the woods, when they come across some tracks.
"These are bear tracks" said the first blond,
"No, these are deer tracks" sais the second,
"You two are both wrong, these are wolf tracks" said the third,
They were all still arguing when the tr...

A man walks into a bar...

And there’s another bloke sitting at the bar with a Tiny man playing the piano next to him.

The guy that just walked in said, mate, how’d you get that?

Guy at the bar sais, well, there’s a gong over there. You just go over and bang the gong once and a genie comes out. But, catch is, th...

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A bear ask his mom:Mother are you sure that i m a polar bear and not some other kinde of bear ?

His mother sais she s sure that he s a polar bear.Then the bear goes to his uncle and asks him:Are you sure that I m a polar bear and not some other kinde of bear?the uncle sais that he is sure that he is a polar bear.Then the bear goes to his grandma and ask her:hey grandma are you sure that i m a ...

call me an idiot but what does bakka mean?

Also I don't know what je ne sais quoi means either

A french guy, an italian guy and an amarican on a plane.....

Among others, there are three guys on a plane. One is french, the other is italian and the third one is american.

The american says: "I bet I can guess where we are without looking outside, just by extend my arm out of the window". The other two go "Well, lets see". So he puts his arm outside...

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Two border guards

Two border guards are doing their final patrol of the night along the US-Canadian border. Half an hour before their shift is up, they hear some rustling along the path. They rush forward to check it out only to find a man who has committed suicide by hanging himself.


"Crap, the paperwork ...

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Another Smart(ish) Blonde Joke

Hot shot lawyer sitting next to a blonde on a plane. He's thinking to himself: "oh yea, let's make some quick cash off this bimbo". This is how it ensues:

Lawyer: "Hi, we've got quite a long time sitting next to each other, so let's play a game, what do you say?"

Blonde: "Ok, sure, wha...

"Can i have a cup of coffee please?"

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks Can I help you sir?". The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?". The bartender sais "That would be $2.60". "Alright, i'll have one." sais the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground...

Trump, Putin the Pope and Kim Jong-Un travelling by the sam airplane

The plane's engines are sudenly stopped, and they starts to falling. They have only three parachutes. The first one is grabbed by Trump and he sais: "I'm the most important person on Earth, I have to survive" and he jumps. The other one is grabbed by Kim Jong-Un and he sais: "I'm the mastermind, I'm...

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Wife is in hospital with unknown condition

So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.

'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have sex with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.

Husband nods and goes back to his wife.

'Honey, what did the doctor sa...

A childishly innocent man dies and goes to heaven

When he gets there he is greeted by God, who says to him that in order to get into heaven, he must listen to 100 dirty jokes, without laughing, giggling or smirking. The man hears all the jokes without reacting at all however, on the 99th joke, he bursts into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. God s...

A joke for Halloween

A group of tourist is visiting the remnants of an ancient castle. One lady sais to their guide:

-I'm afraid. I think there might be ghosts here!

-Don't worry. I'm living here for 300 years but I've never seen any ghosts.

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The jew walks into the meat market

He points a ham with his finger and the shop window, and sais:
"I want to buy that fish!" The shopkeaper say to him: "Sorry my friend but it is a pork ham, it is not kosher" The jew replies: " Did I asked the name of that fish?"

At the mental health clinic.

A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.


"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"


"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"


"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes,...

What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons?

Those are the wrong Sais

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Curious cherokee boy.

A young cherokee boy approached his wise old grandfather. " granfather", he said, how do we get owe names. "well", said grandfather. When a man becomes a father, as soon as his wife has given birth the man walks out of the tent and the first thing he sees becomes the babies name. So if ...

A Chinese, a Russian and a redneck are kidnapped by a tribe of cannibals...

A Chinese. a Russian and a redneck are kidnapped by a tribe of cannibals. The chief tells them: "Who of sayings me number that I of no knowings, can into free. Everybody else will the make eat by tribe". The Chinese says "Billion". The chief answers: "Of knowings". The Russian sais: "Quadrillion". T...

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an italian man goes to malta

Onna day Imma going to Malta to bigga hotel
In the morning I go downa to eat breakfast,
I tell the waitress I want to pieces of toast,
She brings me only one piece,
I tell her I want to piece,
She sais: "go to the toilet",
I say: "you nounderstand",
I wanna piece on my plate,...

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