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Infidel Jokes

New Jersey ranks highest in depression and marital infidelity

It's a sad state of affairs

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

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A king suspected his queen of infidelity

Once a king suspected his queen of infidelity. She was pretty promiscuous and he suspected her of sleeping around. So he devised a plan. When she was sleeping, he planted a knife in her privates. He then went hunting for a week. When he came back, he told all his courtiers to strip down. Everyone ha...

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

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One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.

Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop thei...

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Infidelity

An older guy walks up to Saint Peter, who asks him for his story.

"I came home from work early to our 9th floor apartment and as I opened the door I spotted my naked wife sprinting into the bathroom. She locked the door and refused to come out. I went into the bedroom to find a naked guy hang...

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Queen's Infidelities

A king is going to war and he knows his queen has overactive sexual needs... Furthermore, he is skeptical about the loyalty of his four servants.

To find out who will not have sex with the queen, he hides a blade inside the queen's vagina and goes to war.

Immediately after returning, h...

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

Divorce Judgement

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation o...

I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.

It's a sad state of affairs.

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A woman had five dogs. Her husband was sick of all the dogs.

He went away on a business trip, but before he left he put his foot down. No more dogs!

But the woman couldn't control herself when she saw a dog she just had to have.

"Well," she thought, "I'll just call him up and pretend I'm confessing to some infidelity or something. He'll be so re...

Scientists say they discovered a rare breed of dinosaur known for infidelity

It was called Doyouthinkhesaurus

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

What would you call an ex-muslim turned communist?

Infidel Castro

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez,"...

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A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virg...

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My wife confronted me about my infidelity, so I told her "For me, sex is like an ocean."

"No man ever steps in the same sea twice."

Went to the doctors and I said, I hate the west and I want all the infidels dead.

He told me I was going through a mid life Isis

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

What's a terrorists least favorite wine?

White Infidel

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Each president has subconsciously affected the porn industry in various ways [NSFW]

During the Clinton era, infidelity and work place scenarios became really popular.

During the Bush years, the demand for "dumb blonde" types hit an all time high.

During Obama's presidency, the interracial genre took off.

And recently, incest porn has become really popular.

Which laptops do Taliban use?

infiDELL

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A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

The 2 Golden Rules of Religion

1) Be kind to other people.

2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!

A devout Muslim entered a cab in London

He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopp...

The local parish priest was overdue for his vacation.

The diocese sent a young, zealous priest to replace him. The local priest had become so tired of hearing women confess to infidelity, that he established a code for them: just say you fell in the hole, and I'll know what you mean. As the priest was eager to begin his sabbatical, he neglected to men...

What is the Arabic word for Priest?

Infidel.

What's it called when a terrorist's wife cheats with an American?

Infidel-ity.

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A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

A terrorist had two cases at home...

he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.

An old man is sitting with his wife on her death-bed. He asks her about the box containing three eggs and large pile of cash hidden under the bed.

"I'm ashamed to tell you that the contents of this box represents my infidelity to you." she admits with a guilty look. "Every time I went with another man, I'd place one of our chickens' eggs in the carton."

"Well Dear, don't feel bad. I suppose three times in fifty years is no big deal."...

Fidel Castro was a Muslim

Otherwise he would have been called "Infidel".

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-ified. "So naturally when I am hom...

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Voodoo dick

So a older gentleman had fallen in love with a very attractive young woman (maybe around 21 or 22) she was a very sexually active woman and he was always able to please. One day his job called him out on a business trip and he’s be gone for atleast a week. The young woman promised to be faithful but...

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A man is in a queue at a store and sees a busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fucking hell, are you the stripper I shagged on my bachelor party, whilst your friend whipped me, and your other frie...

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Mickey Mouse files for divorce

The divorce court judge says "Micky, I can't determine from your statement whether the grounds for divorce are insanity or infidelity."

Mickey says, "your honor, I don't know how it could be more clear, Minnie Mouse is fucking goofy."

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A few years back, three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day...

...
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
Says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink...

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbl...

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From: "Mike of Yahoo News" A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates

A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates where he was met by St. Peter. He immediately demanded his 72 Virgins, which was promised to all fighters who die fighting infidels. Suddenly out of a cloud strode George Washington who walked up to him and gave him a huge...

Please settle an argument regarding this joke: why is it funny?

>What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

>30 pounds.

This joke has been the source of debate among my peers. I know I'm right, but I need evidence/validation. Why is this joke funny? What is the punch line implying?

----

EDIT: Thanks for the response...

CNN & NBC news report (political humor)

*Breaking news*

A man has killed twenty people today in a walmart with a gun. The man has been identified as muhammed takbir muhammed. He is an unemployed son of a family that immigrated to the united states ten years ago from Afghanistan.

Multiple witnesses say the man was yelling "A...

2 men meet as ghosts after death.

The first man asks the second man, "How did you die?"

The second man replies, " I froze to death, and you?"

The first man says, " I had a heart attack."

The second man asks, "how could that have happened?"

First man says," I was gardening outside my house and heard an un...

Help! A terrorist is drowning!

This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man running down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat be...

The Lord of the Manor

The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Reginald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity.

With thunder in h...

3 friends die and go to heaven...

Three friends are on a road trip and crash a die. At the gates of St. Peter the first on is called up by St. Peter. St. Peter tell the first friend, John, "You cheated on your wife 12 times?" John admits this. "John is then handed keys to a Honda." John asks Peter what they keys are for and he repli...

Three friends die and go to heaven..

..when they get there, they see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets them and tells them that to enter heaven they must each answer one question, completely honestly.

St. Peter calls the first man up and asks him if he ever cheated on his wife. The man tells St. Peter, "I never...

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A very busy man needs to leave on a long business trip...

In fear that his long absence will cause his wife to become disloyal, he decides to get her a way to please herself. The man buys his wife a magic dildo. He introduces the magic dildo to his wife, "Its magic! All you have to do is tell it what to do, and it'll do it!!"
In disbelief the woman d...

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A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

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