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Unhappily Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unhappily married husband arrives home...

...and asks his wife: "What would you do if I won a lottery?"

"I'd take half of it and dump your sorry ass forever."

Man pulls out 10 dollars and gives it to her. "Actually, you can have all of it. Get out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unhappily married man goes to a pet store looking for some companionship.

The store owner says, "You should buy this toothless hamster."
The man says, "I don't think so. It looks gross."
The store owner says, "Ya, but it gives great head."
So the man takes the hamster home, and when he gets there his wife says, "Ewww, what is that ugly thing?"
He says, "Don't ...

A Trump supporter dies and goes to the pearly gates…

There he sees St Peter and gets excited and walks towards the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "I want you to know, on the whole you were a good person, that's why you're going in. But we almost had to send you to hell because you voted for Trump."

"What do you mean? Trump is the best pre...

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bullfrog (NSFW)

A man went into a porno-shop on day, looking for something to spice up his sex life.

He asked the teller "what would you suggest?"

The teller replied "since i don't know much about your situation, I do have one thing that may help"

The man reluctantly replied "what would that ...

A blonde is taking a trip by airplane.

Over the speaker the captain addresses the passengers saying, "Folks, it seems one of our four engines is having difficulties. We are going to have to shut it down. There is nothing to worry about, this will just add an hour to our flight. Thank you for your patience."

The blonde looks out th...

A man who wanted to get married brought his girlfriend home for dinner to meet his mother...

However, after the dinner, the mother quietly told her son that she didn't like his girlfriend and that she was completely against the idea of their marriage. The man and his girlfriend left, and the girl went home.

Feeling depressed, the boy called his best friend. "What am I supposed to do?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the produce section of a grocery store

He stares longingly at the apples for several minutes before letting out a long sigh, grabbing a pear, and trudging to the checkout. He sits in the parking lot, takes out a paring knife, and unenthusiastically slices up and eats the fruit. He carefully wipes the knife clean with his handkerchief, di...

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