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Three dogs meet at a veterinary

They are sitting in the waiting room talking about why they are there.

The first one tells the others, "Well, it's so sad, I'm here because I bit my owner's hand. I'm so sorry about it, but still they want me to be euthanized."

The second one tells a similar story, "Yeah, I feel you, m...

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

I told my wife she'd trimmed her eye brows too high..

She looked surprised.

I love a girl with a trimmed bush....

Only because its makes it easier to see her through the window at night.

Me and my wife always see to it that our mantelpieces are neatly trimmed..

...ever since we left Sean Connery to fend for himself in the raging forest fire. As we fled we could hear him screaming: "Oh good! Remember to shave your shelves!!"

My barber trimmed my beard as they were ending the business day.

It was a close shave.

Having puppies

**Three dogs are at the vet's. Talking dog talk.**

Rover, "Why are you guys here?"

Sparky, "I been peeing all over the house. I'm going to get my nuts cut off." Ruff.

Barky, "I growl at everything. I'm going to get my nuts cut off. Ruff.

How about you Rover?"

Rover...

A priest goes to the barber and has his hair cut.

He wants to pay but the barber says it is free of charge for a man of faith. The next morning the barber finds 5 silver coins in front of his door.

A buddhist goes to the barber and has his head shaved. He wants to pay but the barber says it is free of charge for a man of faith. The next mor...

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Three dogs are at the vet

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, ‟I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my mster's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it'll calm me down.”

The second, a mut...

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

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"I just bought an elephant and it was the best purchase ever"

While walking down the street, a man meets a friend he hasn't met for a while. They stop and chat, talking about what's new in their lives. The friend mentions having bought an elephant pretty recently.

"It was the best purchase ever! It grazes on my lawn, keeping it perfectly trimmed. I ...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

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The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

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Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad,
that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My
hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That'...

A mohel (circumcising rabbi) walks into a luggage store . . .

He lays what looks like a leather bag on the counter. The clerk looks at it and asks, “What is it?”

“I collected all the foreskins I trimmed over the years, and sewed them together. It’s a change purse.”

The clerk looked disgusted. “I can’t imagine any customer buying that!”

“Wa...

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...

I arranged a surprise for my wife's birthday. I put a blindfold on her and took her by the hand upstairs.

Once the blindfold was removed her view was this: me on the bed naked, surrounded by petals and candles, my legs separated enough for her to see the trimmed bush, the throbbing male organ.



A gentle music played.



"I'm ready to pleasure you," I purred, my come hither fing...

Beware the Bacon Tree.

Two men wanted to be the first ones to cross a large desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and near death, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the men knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to ...

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A Rottweiler, a Pitbull, and a Great Dane are in kennels at the vet

The Rott says, "My owner's kid got close to my bowl while I was eating so I bit her face. I'm here to be put down."

The Pit says, "I keep getting nervous and pissing all over the carpet. My owner's sick of it and I'm here to be put down."

The Dane says, "My owner is a beautiful 22 year...

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A dwarf lady goes to the doctors complaining about a pain down below.

She sits down and says to the doctor “I have a terrible pain in my vagina!”

The doctor looks at her for a minute then grabs a pair of scissors. He works away near her vagina for a couple of minutes and then exclaims “There you go. If you would like to stand up for me.”

She stands up an...

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. [Long joke]

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls.
"Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo! "
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Ye...

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Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up ...

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Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

Trump is really good about his ears.

He wears ear plugs at loud concerts.
He makes sure his ear wax doesn’t build up.
He keeps the gray hairs growing out of his ears nice and trimmed.

He’s quite possibly the most ear responsible president we’ve ever had.

3 dogs at the vet.

First one says to the second "What are you in for?" He replies "I like to chase cars, but yesterday I caused an accident which killed someone, so they're going to put me down." Second dog asks the first "So what are you in for?" First replies. "I was at home the other day, sitting on the back porch ...

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The wife told me she was taking the dog to the vets tomorrow...

Because every time I am out of the house and she bends over it tries to have sex with her. I said you cant have him put down because of that, she replied who said anything about getting him put down, I am getting his nails trimmed.

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Why Santa got involved with Christmas

Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:

Santa: “Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I’d lov...

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3 dogs meet at the vet...

There was 3 dogs at the vets and they got talking , one dog says to the other why are you here , he says ah I bark too much for my owner so she is going to put me to sleep and then says tell me why are you here and the second dog says , yeh pretty similar situation I chewed her red shoes so that's w...

Horse problems

A classic I first heard from my grandpa.

Rufus and Ludgate, a couple of rather rural neighbors, each decided to buy a horse one summer. Since they were neighbors, they decided it made sense to pasture the horses together in the same field. Before turning them loose, they talked about how to t...

A female dwarf goes to a doctor......

........complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk..

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt...

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3 Dogs are sitting in a Vet's office...

3 dogs are in the waiting room at a Vet's office.

One dog asks another, "what are you here for?"

The dog replies, "I'm a chewer. I chew furniture, I chew the kids toys, I chew my own ass. So they're gonna put me on Doggy Prozac"

He asks the first dog, "what are you here for?"...

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Three dogs are waiting at the vet....

The first dog turns to the second dog and says, "What are you here for?"

The second dog says, "Oh I'm a chewer. I chew on everything. Anything I can find I chew up completely."

The first dog says, "Oh man you are getting neutered."

The second dog says, "Oh no! This is terrible...

An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...

and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.


"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"

The archaeologis...

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A rottweiler, a poodle, and a german shepherd are sitting at the vet...

The German shepherd turns to the poodle. "So, why are you here?"

The poodle hangs his head. "My master left me in the house for a whole day, so I couldn't help it, I had to go on the floor! He's kind of a prick, so he's putting me down."

The two other dogs shake their heads. The poodl...

A man was watching a baker make pies...

After the baker rolled out the pastry, lined the pie plate, put in the filling he put on the top layer of pastry & carefully trimmed off the excess pastry. The baker then removed his upper dentures & proceeded to use them to tamp down the pastry around the circumference of the pie plate afte...

My friend has been hiding something.

I was cleaning my friend's room for him the other day and moved a pile of clothes off of the floor and into the hamper. To my surprise, when I lifted them, I found a perfectly gelled, expertly trimmed mustache on the ground, I saw him the next day and confronted him about my discovery. ''You got me....

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