I just met the tallest man in the world!

He's a pretty upstanding guy.

What do you call the world's tallest cow ?

I can't tell you: The Steaks are too high

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

Four little boys brag whose dad is the tallest.

The first boy says: my dad is taller than a tree!

The second boy says: my dad is taller than a mountain!

The third boy says: my dad is so tall that if he stands on the tips of his toes he can reach the stars!

The fourth boys says: and those are large?

\-Yeah.

\-R...

Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?

It’s a real Eiffel.

A crazy man put a gun to my head and told me if I don't break the world record for the tallest filet mignon tower he would kill me and my family.

The steaks have never been higher.

Pyramids were not the tallest structures in Egypt...

They were just medium height, between the Pyrahighs, and Pyralows.

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

Kids Argue who’s dad is tallest!

Three kids showing off whos dad is tallest,

Kid 1 : my dad is as tall as empire state building.

Kid 2 : oh yeah? Well my dad is taller than the sky, even higher than the moon.

Kid 3: oh yeah? Does your dad reach and touch the planets up there?

Kid 2 : yeah of course
<...

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As the saying goes the tallest person has experienced everyone’s height, the heaviest man has experienced everyone’s weight...

Well I’ve experienced everyone’s penis size...

My ass really hurts.

I drove past a billboard promoting Niagara Falls as the tallest waterfall in the world...

Turns out it was falls advertising.

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Transvestite Hooker (Very NSFW)

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito

Himalarya

Three kids were arguing about who had the tallest dad.

K1: My Dad’s so tall he can reach out and touch the top of any building in the world.

K2: My Dad so tall he reaches out and touches the Sun.

K3 to K2 (after some serious thought):Did your Dad say the sun was hot?

K2 with some swag: Nah. Just warm.

K3: That was my Dad’s b...

What do you call it when the tallest man in the world gets circumcised?

A cut above the rest.

I own the tallest horse in town.

When I sit on it, I understand what it's like to be a vegan.

I'm not the tallest guy, so when I left university and applied for the job I wanted, I put down that I was a dwarf on my resume, hoping that being some type of minority would help me...

I didn't get the job though.

The interviewer just said that I was selling myself short.

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What was the tallest building in the Soviet Union?

KGB Headquarters. You could see Siberia from the basement.

4 little kids were arguing which one had the tallest dad...

The first one says: "my dad is the tallest dad of em all! when he raises his arms, he can touch the roof in our house!"
"that's nothing!" yelled the second kid: "when my dad raises his arms, he can touch the rooftop of the building we are living in!"
"oh yeah?" yelled the third one; "well, whe...

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The tallest hotel in the world was streaming a famous Pixar movie when they pulled the plug mid way.

They fucked Up on so many levels.

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A man is standing on top of the tallest building in the city on Christmas Eve.

A man is standing on top of the tallest building in the city on Christmas Eve. He's had enough of his life - his boss hates him no matter how hard he works, his wife has fallen out of love with him and he's completely in debt with the bank. He approaches the edge of the building, ready to end it all...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

Little Jenny loved climbing trees

When her mother came to pick her up from school, Jenny was at it again climbing the tallest tree she could find, oblivious to the group of disgusting boys looking up her skirt! The mom quickly waved her to get into the car, then in a stern voice warned her about the boys who just wanted to look at h...

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A Mexican, American and Japanese man are standing on the top of the world's tallest building...

They are told to throw off something their country has a lot of.

The Japanese man goes first: he throws off sushi.

The Mexican then proceeds to throw off tacos.

And then the American pushes the Mexican off.

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The Tallest Boy

As the Principal made his rounds during the first day of school, he could hear a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.

He quickly rushed in and spotted one boy, much taller than the others, who appeared to be making the most noise.

He seized the lad, dragged him to the ...

4 reasons why we should date

A man asks the prettiest girl he has ever seen out.

She responds: "Name 4 reasons why I should date you."

He says: "Sure, I'll give you 4 big reasons:

* A - I'm very attractive. I'm the tallest guy in this town.
* B - I'm smarter than 99% of men. My IQ is above 130.
* C...

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The Drunk and the Bum

There was a drunk and a bum. The drunk said, “you can jump off a building and pop back up to the top.”
Bum said, “no way. If you jump off a building you will die.” So the drunk took the bum to the tallest building in the city. Jumped off the building and popped back up to the top. Not a scratch o...

Some jokes that my mum told me a long while ago :D

Joke 1:

How do you put an elephant inside a fridge in three steps?

Step 1: Open the fridge door.
Step 2: Put the elephant in.
Step 3: Close the fridge door.

Joke 2:

How do you put a giraffe inside a fridge in four steps?

Step 1: Open the fridge door. ...

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Bad dream. Kinda inappropriate

So after a long weekend of partying on a beach in Florida, these three men all have to book a hotel room. They had to book it last minute and got a hotel room with a single queen size bed. The middle man was a tall blonde male. He slept in the middle of the bed because he was the tallest. So when th...

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

A large study shows that educational achievement and earned income strongly correlated with height.

A study carried out among hundreds of elementary school classes showed the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

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Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".

The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' ...

The Pterodactyl’s Dilemma

Once there was a young Pterodactyl who really needed to use the restroom, but was too shy to do so in front of the other dinosaurs. So it decided to fly up to the tallest tree he could see and tried to do so there. As soon as it reached the top, the Pterodactyl thought to itself “I can’t do it here,...

Sensitive people.

I'm the tallest in my family, so my Aunt used to call me "Lurch" from The Addams Family.

Just over the past year I started calling her "Uncle Fester" and she got so mad at me.

I guess chemotherapy makes people sensitive.

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The Koala and the Lizard (long)

One day, a tiny lizard was minding his own business while wandering through the forest. As he approaches the tallest tree in the forest a voice yells down, “Heyyy mannnn!!”. Confused, the lizard cranes his neck up and down, side to side until he spots a Koala sitting at the edge of a branch.

...

A rich man was strolling along a riverside with his 6 year old daughter and they came to a bridge...

On the bridge there was a hobo sitting and shaking his cup. As they were walking past, the rich man wasn't keeping an eye on his daughter, who was playing with the bars of the railing and she slipped through and fell in. Not knowing how to swim himself, the man shouted for help. Without saying a wor...

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The BBC does a special on the oldest man in Scotland

They arrived for the special and decided to start it off with an interview where they asked him: “What was the best day of your life, Mr MacDonald?”
“I was just a wee lad and it was the day village fair, when me ma realised that our sheep had gone missing on the mountains. The whole village sear...

Actual Russian Joke

Four Russians were being pulled in a sleigh by a team of horses in the dead of winter when they noticed a pack of wolves had started chasing them and were slowly gaining.

They knew they needed to lighten the sled so they drew straws and the one with the shortest straw blessed Russia and leapt...

My favourite Math pun

There were once 3 kingdoms that bordered the same lake. In the middle of the lake there was an island, and the 3 kingdoms had been fighting over it for years. No one seemed to be able to keep the upper hand for very long and no one had been victorious. The wars over this little island were very cost...

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A man is depressed because he was born with half an index finger...

Everyone made fun of him in school and called him Half Finger. Depressed and tired of all the taunting, he decides to commit suicide. He finds the tallest building in his city.

As he’s about to jump, he looks down at the street and sees a man with no arms vigorously dancing. He says to himsel...

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A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi...

My dad told me today that we're distantly related to the Fugarwii Tribe of Native Americans.

This tribe was nomadic, and would wander all over the continental US. Unfortunately, as a tribe, they had a terrible sense of direction and would often get horribly lost.
The Fugarwii had scouts who's soul purpose was to remedy this: they would scout about, find the tallest mountain they could, ...

A guy with one arm is sick of life.....

A guy with one arm is sick of life, he tries to get a job but no one hires him. He can't get himself a girl friend. Everyone he knows picks on him and laughs at him. He feels really down. Eventually he decides enough is enough and decides to take his own life.

He goes to the roof of the tall...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

A man finds a magic lamp

A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie appears. The genie says I will grant you three wished on the condition that whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double. The man points to the range of hills overlooking the nearby town and says for my first wish I want a mansion built on those hi...

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A young mechanic...

A young mechanic was working on a car when the lift broke, and the car fell and severed his arm. Now severely depressed because he had one arm, loved to golf, and couldn't afford a prosthetic arm, decided "well, this is it. This is my end... I will kill myself because I can't play golf nor afford an...

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Guinness Book of World Records

One day Tom, John, and Bill are sitting around and decide that they should try to make it into their favorite book, the Guinness Book of World Records.

Tom says, "hey I'm pretty tall, I think I could make the Guinness Book of World Records for the tallest man."

John says, "hey I'm pret...

Three giants are boasting...

...about who had the tallest father.

The first giant says: "My father was so tall, he was, when he took a step, his left foot was in Ohio and the right one was in Iowa."

The second giant says: "That ain't nothing. When my old man got up in the morning and had a good stretch, he'd hav...

A severely depressed man decides to end it all...

so he finds the tallest building in the area and climbs to the roof. While he was standing precariously on the ledge and thinking about all the reasons why he was ready to die, he happens to look down at the street below. There are few people on the street but one man on the corner stands out, even ...

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A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white

They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.

"God! Are you white or black?"

"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.

"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"

"Why would you assume that?!" asks the bl...

Brother Philippe

Brother Philippe worked at a monastery. New years eve comes around and Brother Philippe is stuck with the midnight shift. The weather is terrible. It's poring down. At 11.30 a strange comes in, with a hood covering his face. He ask for a room for the night and Brother Philippe says "of course". The ...

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He g...

So a penguin is driving down the road...

...and he's going through a very small town in the middle of nowhere when his car starts making a lot of weird noises. He decides to swing by a mechanic's shop and explains to the mechanic that his car keeps making really strange noises and asks him if he can figure out what the problem is.

"...

How are you going to celebrate 9-11?

I go to the tallest tower in my city. Call up a pizza place and order two large planes.

Even 9/11 had its positives...

My house climbed 2 spots in the world's tallest building ranks.

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman

all work together in construction building the World's tallest building.

Each day they sit high on a girder and eat lunch together.

After several weeks onsite, the Englishman says "I'm sick of getting these same marmite sandwiches everyday. If I get another one of these, I'm going to j...

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Drunk Guy at a bar

In the middle of a large city sits a bar on the top floor of the city's tallest building.

In the bar there are several people drinking, having a good time.

One guy is sitting at a table looking at his surroundings when he sees a man go up to the edge of the roof and jump off.

He...

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International relations

The United Nations noticed that there was a lot of dissent among its ranks and relationships were strained. The UN leaders called a meeting and came up with a plan to increase morale that was discussed and agreed upon by all members.

The plan was to take a representative from three different...

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A musician joke

So little Johnny runs up to his mother and yells "Mommy! Mommy! I could count higher than anyone in my class at school today! Everyone else could only get to 10, but I could count all the way to 12!"

And little Johnny's mother replied, "That's because you are a violinist".

The next day...

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