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Taller Jokes

I’m taller than my grandpa

I’m 5.3 ft and he’s -6 ft

If women want a guy who is taller than them...

why do they care if he has hair on top of his head?

Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because people are getting taller

Manufacturers claim it's due to climb it change.

Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad...

Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!

Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!

Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?

Bob: I think so...

Little Johnny: Yeah, that's my father's balls.

Why did the emu lose all his friends when he grew a few feet taller?

Because he was ostrich sized.

My Aunt Betty lost both her feet in a tragic accident but she's still taller than her sister Susan which means Betty is...

Lack toes and taller Aunt.

How do you make a tree taller?

Get a lumber jack.

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

Told the Dr I just can’t grow any taller

She says I will have to be a little patient.

Why are trees taller in the morning

They have morning wood

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What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

He grows taller.

My friend told me I was suddenly getting taller

Turned out he was pulling my leg

A kid asked his older brother what he could do to grow taller.

The brother told him to put lard on his head every day. So the kid said "Mom has some Crisco. Will that work?" And the brother said "No, stupid! That's shortening!"

Did you know taller people

Sleep longer in bed

"I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl.."

"Ok, that's three," interrupted the genie.

Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price, who is heavier than Katie Price

As I discovered on this Price comparison website

I've been waiting to have my legs extended to become taller

I guess it's a lengthy process.

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If you're dating a girl taller than you,

Saying "I'mma fuck you up" isn't a threat, it's bed room talk.

What gets easier as you get taller?

Washing your junk in the sink

I have a friend that is much taller than me

Because of the height difference between us he can see farther than me in a crowd.

He has heightened vision

I went to a clinic who says they can help me get taller

I asked them how do they do it and the guy said, "I'm just pulling your leg"

How do mesquite trees get taller?

They stand on their mesqui-toes!

A girl won't date me because she'd be taller than me when she wears heels

It's her sole reason.

Two friends are arguing...

"Look, I have a colony of ants!"

"Well, I have taller ants than you"

"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"

"Hah, I have an entire tin"

"I got bread!"

"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

I like to date intelligent girls who are taller than me.

It keeps me on my toes.

Some say...

Some say that the average Russian soldier is two feet taller than the average Ukrainian solder. Others say that raised arms don't count.

What do you call a girl that has one leg taller than the other ???

Ilean

Did you hear about the scandal with Elon Musk embezzling money for his surgery to make him taller?

Look it up, it's called Elongate.

Apparently women prefer men who are taller than them.

So I guess it could be said that tall women have higher standards.

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At the amusement park's Haunted House, the toilets are three inches taller than normal.

They like to keep visitors on their toes.

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

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Did you hear about the time Trump took viagra?

He just got taller

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

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Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly?"

"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

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(Joke I heard today) What happens when you give a Lawyer Viagra?

They get taller.

Two boys decide to see who's stuff is better

"I have a small bottle of glue!" One boy says

"I have a whole tin of glue!" The other says

"Well I have ants." The boy says

"Well, I have taller ants!" The other says

"I have bread!" The boy says.

"Aww, can't beat that with my glue tin n' taller ants"

Did you know that when ants are young, they have small appendages at the ends of their legs?

They lose them as they get larger, and they also begin to produce the same proteins found in milk.


They lack toes in taller ants.

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

"I always looked up to him", said the child on the day of his dad's funeral

"He was taller than me"

Two friends were comparing their belongings

The first guy goes: 'i have ants'

The second guy : 'well i have taller ants'

The first guy : 'well i got a tube of glue'

The second guy : 'and i have an entire tin of it'

The first guy: 'i got bread as well'

The second guy: 'ugh you win, i can't handle that with my...

A friend of mine cut off the tip of ants feet and attached stilts to their legs.

Now he has lack toes and taller ants...

I went to see the ballet, and..

..all the dancers were standing on tiptoe.

I said,"Why don't they just get taller dancers?"

My army of bugs is crippled. All my soldiers are much too short to be good fighters, and I require more bread to feed them.

I lack toast and taller ants.

A man walks up to a chiropractor

and says, “doc my back is fine!”
the chiropractor then proceeds to crack his back in several places. Afterwards, the man feels relief and is standing several inches taller. He says “I stand corrected”

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Man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender says about three feet.

Man, "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"

The bartender says, "Maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that."

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Man, "Oh shit, in that case, my fear is true.....I just drove over a nun!"

The CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The Spanish Inquisition return with a rabbit that's converted to Christianity and is a foot taller than it was before.

Were you not expecting that? Nobody was.

Four little boys brag whose dad is the tallest.

The first boy says: my dad is taller than a tree!

The second boy says: my dad is taller than a mountain!

The third boy says: my dad is so tall that if he stands on the tips of his toes he can reach the stars!

The fourth boys says: and those are large?

\-Yeah.

\-R...

The discriminatory ant colony banished all ants over 4 mm tall

They had no taller ants

The lobby of my local Dairy Queen was closed due to short staff.

They should've hired taller employees


(Joke brought to you by my 9yo sister)

A woman and her neighbour go to the police station to report the woman's missing husband.

"How tall is your husband?" asks the cop.

"About six foot three," replies the woman.

"SIX FOOT THREE!" shouts the neighbour. "Your husband is barely taller than you are!"

"How much does your husband weigh?" asks the cop.

"About 150 pounds."

"ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY P...

My friend told me you can't interchangeably use the words high and tall, so I proved him wrong

"The taller you are, the easier it is to see things."

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In honor of the day…

A man’s walking in the woods when he spies a little man no taller than ten bars of Irish Spring soap stacked on top of each other. The man grabs the little man garbed in green.

“Aye! You caught me,” exclaims the leprechaun. “I’ll tell ya what. I’ll give you three wishes and ye let me go.”
...

Twins

A woman gives birth to twins. At age 8, one twin notices that his brother is about an inch taller than he is, but doesn't think much of it. At age 10, his brother appears to be two inches taller, and naturally the shorter boy begins to get discouraged. When they reach the age of 12, the shorter b...

I got a tattoo the other day, its a picture of me.

Only a little bit taller.

I spotted one of the new blue USPS mailboxes in my town today.

It looks almost identical to the old model but it's a little taller because it incorporates a shredder.

My only good joke... my preacher mother told it to me

There was a birch tree and a beech tree in a meadow, and they hated each other. They were always trying one-up each other saying things like "My leaves are greener!" "My bark is tougher!" "I'm taller!" etc.

Well one day, a fine young sapling sprouted up in the meadow right between the birch t...

Not your dairy insect

An ant was walking around when it found a 5inch ant of his very same species:

- Why are youso big, it asked
- I drink a lot of milk

"Lactose in taller ant"

A foreigner enters a country and gets a taxi.

On his way to the hotel he points at a tall building and asks the driver,'How long did it take to build that building?'. The driver responds, 'Two years.'. 'TWO YEARS! In my country it would have taken only Two months',The foreigner said.

After a while, the foreigner again asked,'How lon...

Doctor “What seems to be the problem?”

“I’m not growing any taller” :(

Doctor “You just need to be a little patient”

There was an astronaut who landed on an alien planet inhabited by several beautiful women.

When he climbed out of his spaceship, he was approached by the women, who were all some 20 feet taller. One came up to him and asked, ‘I suppose you want to see the leader?’ The astronaut looked up at her, and replied:

“’Take me to your ladder. I’ll see your leader later.’”

A Blonde Buys Two Horses

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse’s tail tore in the same place, and the blonde was no longer able to tell t...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

A man visits his friend in the hospital after the Chernobyl accident

He says, "You look taller." His friend says, "Yeah. I grew a couple feet."

Bob’s wife has an incurable, terminal disease

On her deathbed, she says to Bob:

"I don't mind if you remarry later, but I don't want the woman to put on my clothes."

"Don’t worry," Bob assured her.

"She is a lot taller."

Mounted police unit got two new horses

Policemen assigned to them are unsure how they'll be able to tell them apart and as such which policeman gets to ride which horse. They debate various ways to distinguish them but none are satisfactory. Then one realizes they can simply cut off the tail on one and voila! a distinguishing mark. So th...

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During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class

"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?

Little Johnny raised his hand and replied,

"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girl...

An alien vessel landed on St Peter's square

An alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome.


A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared.


They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.


After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question m...

I’m gonna get a tattoo over my whole body.

Of me, but taller.

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

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What do bodyguards and testicles have in common?

They are always two, one is taller that the other, both ugly, hairy and always behind the big boss.

A scientific study was conducted on ants...

There was a scientific study conducted on various species of ants investigating the correlation between their heights and how their feet operate.
Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on the end of their feet that operate similarly to toes on humans and primates.
This was not seen in lar...

Unemployed people rose by 2% from last year.

I guess they're getting taller.

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Bancroft was an unimpressive man

he had no viable skills or accomplishments. He has always dreamed of joining the king’s army and becoming a knight but was always rejected as he was too short. He would often complain to his friend, Alcott, about his height. He would repeatedly say, “If only I was taller, I would be able to be a kni...

Growing Up

My son, Bob, was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now ...

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.

But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

Kids Argue who’s dad is tallest!

Three kids showing off whos dad is tallest,

Kid 1 : my dad is as tall as empire state building.

Kid 2 : oh yeah? Well my dad is taller than the sky, even higher than the moon.

Kid 3: oh yeah? Does your dad reach and touch the planets up there?

Kid 2 : yeah of course
<...

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

A dwarf ant was complaining to her mom that her friends tease her for being short.

Her mom said, "Be taller-ant."

You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes.

Why don’t they just get taller girls?

Recently, a group of scientists discovered...

a subclass of ant has a genetic mutation that makes them grow larger than average, DESPITE missing a jointed segment on their legs. This same mutation also causes them to have an aversion to dairy-based foods, even with their high based sugar content.

TL;DR lack-toes-in-taller-ants

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My wife's arse is so big

she's taller when she sits down

After seeing his first ballet at age 6, his parents asked him how he liked it.

It was good, but you know all those girls who were on their tippy-toes? Why don't they just get *taller girls?*

My doctor asked if I was interested in a new procedure

which can help me grow taller. He told me it's noninvasive and relatively painless, so I decided to try it out.

I thought it was working for a while until I realized he was just pulling my leg.

A cowboy walks into a bar. “What can I get for you?” the bartender asks. “A double whiskey, neat,” he replies.

As the bartender pours, she asks, “How’s it going today?”

“I have a problem with my horses,” the cowboy admits. “I want to train one of them to be a racehorse and the other to be a workhorse, but they look so similar I can’t tell them apart!”



The bartender thinks it over for a ...

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

Life is like a basketball...

It has its ups and downs and is controlled by people that are taller and make more money than you.

A man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

The bartender, being nice, decides to ask him what’s wrong. “What’s wrong?”, he asks. The man replies: “I have these 2 horses, but I cannot for the love of God tell them apart! I don’t know which one to feed, which one to ride, or anything like that!”

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy...

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Did you hear? Viagra doesn't do anything for lawyers...

It just makes them stand taller for a while

I have a simple solution to promote higher education,

build taller schools.

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