UPJOKE
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Spreads Jokes

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s green, mean and spreads his cheeks at Christmas?

Not the grinch you pessimistic fuck!
Santa’s favourite elf

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my doctor if coronavirus spreads through sex

"if you do handshakes while doing it, yeah"

Only thing that spreads faster than COVID

among the elderly is good morning msgs.

What do you call a person who spreads flu?

Influenzer

It’s recently been discovered coronavirus spreads fastest on pirate ships

It’s because they have a really high R number

Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit!

That’s why the liquor stores do so well

What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?

Little Sneezers

Some people think that jokes about how easily coronavirus spreads are funny

but personally I think they R0

Sharing earbuds and headphones spreads disease

How do you think I got hearing aids?

An old woman walks into a dentist's office, takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs...

The dentist, flabbergasted, tells the lady that he thinks she's at the wrong type of specialist.

The old lady replies, "Last week you put in my husband's new teeth. Now you have to take them out."

Moses and Jesus are sitting in a boat on a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I wonder if I’ve still got it.” He stands up and spreads his arms out wide. On command, the waters of the lake part, and the boat settles on the ground. He brings his arms back in, and the water comes rushing back, lifting the boat back to the surface.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary

He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

...

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it'...

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