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Smugly Jokes

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

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A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH!

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into...

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

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I was walking with my new boyfriend and ran into my ex…

He came up smugly to my new boyfriend and said,

“Hey asshole, let me tell you something. This chick over here, she’s worn out goods. I’ve used her before."

"Don't worry babe, just the front two inches, everything else is brand new.”

Edited: Based on amazing feedback by u/vp_port

An exam was taking place in Oxford's oldest and most traditional college...

The ancient hall was packed with students in deep concentration.

Halfway through, a student stood up, banged his desk and loudly demanded a pint of beer.

The head examiner, furious at the disruption, asked him to 'explain yourself at once'.

The student cited section 7.b of a lon...

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"The elephant is vegetarian" I smugly declared as I put on my scientist's hat.

"Oh, and how would you know that?" retorted my wife, as she often does when I make such sweeping assertions.

"Well," I said, "I have examined elephant turd carefully and I have found it to be quite vegetarian."

"In fact," I unwisely continued, "If you were to pick up an elephant t...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge ...

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

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Don't Stop

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how...

Logic

Three professors of logic get on a train in Scotland and take a seat. They look out the window and see a black sheep. One of them says: "I didn't know Scotland had black sheep". The second one says, rather pedantically, "You only know Scotland has at least one black sheep." The third one chimes in, ...

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

A man leaves a bar and is pulled over by a cop...

he's had a few too many to drink and the cop tells him he's going to administer a sobriety test. The cop asks the driver to say the alphabet starting with the letter M. The man smugly looks at the cop and says "Malphabet."

Fortune teller knows it all

A fortune teller to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”


The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”


The fortune teller, “That’s what you think.”

An English man, a Welsh man and a Scottish man find a lamp

One of them give it a rub and a genie pops out.
"Thank you for releasing me! You can have 3 wishes, so I that makes it one wish each!"


The Welsh guy goes first, he looks a little shifty, but decides to go ahead anyway
"Genie is it? Alright so, I want you to build a wall betwee...

A guy approaches a girl at a bar:

"How heavy is a polar bear?" The guy says
"oh ive heard this one, heavy enough to break the ice" the girl smugly answers
"Thats stupid, it lives on ice you moron. A fully grown polar bear is about 450 kilograms.

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

A Frenchman, a German, and an American were regulars at a bar

One day, the Frenchman decides that he is going to prove how much smarter the French are than Germans or Americans. So he goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 15ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 300 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The German, n...

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One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students,

"Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.

She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are ther...

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A man was very proud of the fact that he was born with three testicles

One day, he’s walking down the street and he walks by another man. Smugly, he tells him, “did you know that between the two of us, there are a total of five balls?”

The other man gives him a confused look and says, “so you mean you only have one?”

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

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A man is standing with a Shiba Inu with a sign that says "Amazing Mathematical Dog!"

Skeptical, a passerby asks, "What makes your dog so mathematical?"

"Just watch this!" replies the man smugly. "Koro, what's three minus two?"

"Wan!" barks the dog, as all Japanese dogs do.

"What's four plus seven?"

"Wan wan!" barks the dog.

"See? One one! Eleven! K...

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Cloning

A rich assholish guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've decided that I'm going to have myself cloned," he smugly tells the bartender. "Well," the bartender replies. "Wouldn't that be just like you...."

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A boy and a girl are in the showers together.

The boy gestures smugly to his penis and says “hey I bet you wish you had one of these”.

The girl shrugs and points to her vagina. “My mom says that because I have one of these I can have as many of those as I want.”

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the wate...

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Professional Gun For Hire

There is a well-known assassin that charges $10,000 per bullet. A man discreetly approaches him at a local bar and asks, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yes!" says the assassin.

"What if you miss?"

The assassin smugly looks at the man. "I don't miss!"

"I...

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Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to ...

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a leg...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He...

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Anal Deodorant

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?"

The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that".

"Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from her...

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A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.

The bear was grunting and groaning trying to do his business. This agitated the rabbit who did his business quietly.

After the bear was done grunting and groaning, he looked to the rabbit.

The rabbit, feeling uncomfortable, looked back at the bear and sharply asked, "what?"

The...

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, “Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.”

She smugly added "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, s...

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All the vowels are having a masturbation contest.

They're trying to prove who would last the longest in bed, so they decide to start by seeing who can last the longest by themselves. As they start, A finished within minutes, closely followed by O. Several more minutes pass, and U cant hold it any longer, climaxing. Y, deciding they didnt identify a...

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Old Lady

an old lady is walking down the road with two large sacks and one of them is leaking 20 dollar bills

she is stopped by a cop, who asked her "where did an old lady like you get all that money?"

so she responded "Well I live behind a golf course and when golfers need to pee they stick th...

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An old married couple were sitting on the porch enjoying the sunset.

The old woman suddenly turned to her husband and smacked him across his face.

The old man was shocked. "Now why the hell you'd do that for, Ethel?"

"That was for forty years of bad sex," she said smugly.


A couple minutes passed and then the old man turned to his wife and sla...

The Man Who Knows Where Everyone Is From

There were a bunch of tough dudes hanging out in a bar. One of them started bragging that he could tell where anyone was from just by looking at them.

One burly dude stepped up and asked “Where am I from, then?” The guy looked at the burly dude and concluded he was from California. He was ri...

A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

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NSFW A boy and his grandfather are fishing

Grandpa cracks open a beer. The boy asks for a sip. “Can your dick touch your ass?” asks Grandpa.
“Well, no,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
Later, Grandpa lights a cigar. “Can I try?” asks the boy.
“Can your dick touch your ass?”
“No,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
After dinner, th...

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A man goes to his boss..

And says "we're wanting to have a birthday lunch for our co-worker. Can we all have an extra 10 minutes at lunch?"

The boss replies "Can your dick touch your ass?"
"No" replies the man.
"Then no" says the boss, and goes back to work.

A week or two goes by and another man appro...

A local anti-alcohol protester walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of water

. The bartender, surprised to see the protester in the bar at all, much less ordering alcohol, asks him what he's doing. "Just watch," the protester replies. He drops a worm in the shot of whiskey, and another worm in the water. Within minutes the worm in the whiskey dies. "Now, what does that tell ...

The other day I failed my grade 10 English exam for the third year in a row

My friend called it quite a feat.

I smugly corrected him and said, "the singular is actually 'a foot.'"



How did that dumbass even pass??

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Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning.

As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but n...

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So a Russian man shows up for a job interview.

He sits in a chair across from the interviewer on the top floor of a large corporate building. The interviewer, plainly unimpressed by the man sitting before him, decides to ask some loaded interview questions in order to quickly dispose of the Russian.

"Welcome," says the interviewer. "For y...

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A man is sitting on his back porch when he sees a teenage boy walking along the road carrying something in his hand...

He yells to the teen "What do you got there?"

The boy yells back "chicken wire"!

"What are you doing with that chicken wire?" asks the man.

The boy yells back, "I'm going to go catch some chickens!"

The man laughs and yells to him, "I don't think you know what you're doi...

A police officer walks into an interrogation room.

"It's over, buddy," he says smugly, throwing down a stack of papers. "We've got you on a double homicide."

"Double?! What are you talking about?" the perp across from him stutters.

"Don't even try to act innocent. We've got video proof. You gunned down two women! Cher and Johnny Depp'...

A couple's young son...

...accidentally sees his father having fun with the maid. He runs to his mother and tells her what he saw. The mother gets extremely angry, but decides to have a little fun of her own and instructs her son not to tell anything until she says so.

A few days later it's the grandma's birthday, t...

A phone gets thrown into a jail cell

His cell mate looks at him and asks "what are you being charged with?"

The phone looks smugly at his cell mate and replies "Battery"

So an iPhone 7 gets arrested...

He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

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A Catholic Irishman is on his deathbed.

He calls for his son, and tells him "My boy, go fetch the Anglican Pastor, I wish to convert before I die". His son is shocked! The father has been one of the most prominent Catholics in the community, he made large donations to the Church every year, attended Mass every day, and was close friends w...

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A man walks into a pet shop

He asks the employee: "Show me a pet like nobody else has!". The employee thinks for am moment and goes: "Well, I do have this parrot." "Forget it,", says the man, "anyone can have parrot." "But not this one, this one is special!". The man takes a look at the parrot, sitting in his cage and the parr...

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One more from the 85 year old shriner to get you smiling into the weekend.

A man came home late at night drunk. His wife was waiting up worried. She sees he has gold glitter on him. She suspects he was at a strip club so she asks "Where the hell have you been?”

He says, "The Golden Bar that just opened up. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, everything is gold!...

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Grandad and hos granson

A grandad and his grandson was on a fishing boat. The grandad takes a cookie out. The grandson asks can he have one? The grandad asked "can your dick touch your ass?". The grandson says "no". The grandad says "then you cant have one then".

A couple of years pass....

The two are on the ...

A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

~~~

So he pays for his meal and asks for his change.

The vendor shrugs and retorts smugly, "Change comes from within."

A group of students are doing their end-of-year exams.

The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.

Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.

“YOUR TIM...

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On his recent visit to England Trump is very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty...

So while having dinner seated next to the Queen he announces boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"
The Queen shakes her head and says somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".
A bit defe...

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, an...

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

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As Vernon the vampire bat flew inside the cave…

his friends started at him with a mixture of admiration and jealousy.

“Yo Vernon, your face is covered with blood! What kind of animal did you feed from?”

Vernon gazed as his friends and said smugly “None of your business!”

“C’mon Man! Don’t be an idiot! Tell us!”

“Nah. N...

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door.

The woman answers, and the salesman says "Lady, I have the best damn vaccuum cleaner in the whole world."

Before she could decline, he invited himself in. "Lady," he said, "This vaccuum cleaner can suck up anything. In fact, if you leave it running, it'll probably suck the carpet up!"

...

A couple was walking in Moscow in the 1970s

The husband looked up at the sky and said "It looks like it's going to rain. We should probably try to get home." His wife disagreed, and said "I don't think so. I'd like to just keep walking." They continued on their walk for a while, but the husband still thought it was going to rain. So he walked...

The Robot Family.

It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family. Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife Z7-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their ...

So a priest, an imam, and a rabbi find a bag of money laying on the ground

They all decide that they should take but can’t decide how much to give to god and how much to keep for themselves.

The priest says”We should draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air, whatever lands inside the circle goes to god and whatever lands outside goes to us”
...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

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An old man takes his grandson fishing...

An old man takes his grandson fishing. A little time passes before the grandfather reaches into a cooler and pulls out a beer. Noticing this, the boy goes
"Hey grandpa, can I have a beer?"
He replies, "well can your penis touch your asshole?"
"No..."
"Well then you're not old enough to...

A Soviet composer is looking at his notes in Moscow...

... and a soldier oversees the symbols and assumes he's a spy communicating in a form of code. The composer is arrested and brought to the Gulag where he pleads "Please, it's just Tchaikovsky's violin concerto!". Later that day he is brought to an interrogation room and sits down, a Soviet officer w...

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Bill, Steve and Jim are discussing when they get in arguments with their wives

Bill says "When I get in an argument with my wife, I tell her I'm sick of listening, heres the way it is, and that's the way its going to be. Then that's the end of the argument."


Steve replies "Hmm. Well, when I get in an argument with my wife, I calmly explain to her why she is wron...

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