A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch

The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son

The bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”

I can't decide whether to join the bard's college or the thieves' guild...

I guess I'll just have to weigh the prose and cons. :)

What do you call an undead bard?

An Instrumentalich.

Did you hear about the bard that was in the army?

He was a lute-tenant.

Why would a bard make a great hero?

He’s the Cymbal of Peace.

Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?

Because cubes are platonic solids.

A bard and a priest are trapped amid rising floodwaters.

"What are we gonna do?!" Screams the bard.

"Quick," the priest says,"Give me your guitar!"

"We're going to die and you want to play guitar?!" The bard exclaims.

"Trust me."

And with a single strum, a white light envelops them. When the light clears, they find themselves o...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

What do you call an ovulating bard?

A menstrual minstrel.

Beware of bards during floods.

They're known for luteing.

Why can't you trust a bard with your finances?

Because they always add more when they're recounting.

A rowdy William Shakespeare walks in to a pub

The landlord says "Oi, you're Bard!"

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

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The Bard [Long]

Suzie was the teacher's pet - A's in every class. One day a stranger stood in front of the lecture hall for her writing course.
'Sorry students, your professor has been in a terrible accident and I will be leading this course for the remainder of the year.'
No problem - Suzie looked forward to...

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The Immortal Bard

*This is not my joke, it is actually a short story written by Isaac Asimov, but it is written like a joke. One that I found quite humorous. Hope it belongs here.*

"Oh, yes," said Dr. Phineas Welch, "I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious dead."

He was a little drunk, or maybe ...

Why was the Minstrel refused entry to the tavern?

He was BARD for life.

What is the difference between a secret service agent and Liberace?

One's a body guard and the other's a gaudy bard.



Sorry...

The death of an adventurers brother..

An adventuring party hears of the murder of the fighter's brother.

\>Bard: I swear I will have revenge for my brother!

\>Warrior: You have my sword!

\>Ranger: You have my bow!

\> Necromancer: And your brother! \*whacks corpse on the table\*

I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band

We're called "Bards of Prey."

This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse



*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

I went into a pub in Stratford and said in my best Shakespearean voice,

"A flagon of your finest ale please, Falstaff. "

They threw me out. Told me I was bard.

A musician had nothing to do so he decided to go have a drink, but the door was locked.

The bar door barred the bored bard.

Robbie Burns

As Robbie was looking for a place to stay the night, he came up to a farm.

The farmer curious of the bards talent, said "you can stay the night if you pen a better song than mine, using Timbuktu."


Robbie agreed, and the farmer started


"Stretching across the desert sands...

Once upon a time

in a far away land there was a noble king and his beautiful, pregnant wife. The king was much loved by his people, but he had an intensely jealous brother. Envious that the birth of the prince would mean he would never rule, the brother sought the help of an evil witch. The witch cursed the unborn c...

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

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The best poet

All the world's finest poets, writers, bards and linguists were gathered in a competition to determine the best among them. After a week of competing, the finalists left standing were a rabbi and an Australian shepherd. Their final task was to improvise a rhyme containing the word 'Timbuktu'.
...

D&D multiclassing jokes

Q: How do you know if you've seen a multiclass ranger/rogue?
A: If you've seen them, they aren't one.

Q: What do you call a multiclass sorcerer/bard?
A: Whatever they make you call them...your delusion of free will is cute.

What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

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