Bard Jokes - 36 Hilarious Bard Jokes

A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch

The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son

The bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”

upvote

downvote

report

What do bards drop when you kill them?

Lute.

upvote

downvote

report

Did you hear about the bard that was in the army?

He was a lute-tenant.

upvote

downvote

report

I can't decide whether to join the bard's college or the thieves' guild...

I guess I'll just have to weigh the prose and cons. :)

upvote

downvote

report

Beware of bards during floods.

They're known for luteing.

upvote

downvote

report

Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?

Because cubes are platonic solids.

upvote

downvote

report

Why would a bard make a great hero?

He’s the Cymbal of Peace.

upvote

downvote

report

Why did the barbarian mug the bard?

So he could take the lute!

upvote

downvote

report

What do you call an ovulating bard?

A menstrual minstrel.

upvote

downvote

report

What do you call a bard on a Harley?

A Minstral Cycle.

upvote

downvote

report

Why can't you trust a bard with your finances?

Because they always add more when they're recounting.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

A bard walks up to a bored leprechaun. How many tunes should the bard play?

Fortunes.

upvote

downvote

report

This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse

*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

upvote

downvote

report

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

upvote

downvote

report

What is the difference between a secret service agent and Liberace?

One's a body guard and the other's a gaudy bard.

Sorry...

upvote

downvote

report

I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band

We're called "Bards of Prey."

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bard [Long]

Suzie was the teacher's pet - A's in every class. One day a stranger stood in front of the lecture hall for her writing course.
'Sorry students, your professor has been in a terrible accident and I will be leading this course for the remainder of the year.'
No problem - Suzie looked forward to...

A bard and a priest are trapped amid rising floodwaters.

"What are we gonna do?!" Screams the bard.

"Quick," the priest says,"Give me your guitar!"

"We're going to die and you want to play guitar?!" The bard exclaims.

"Trust me."

And with a single strum, a white light envelops them. When the light clears, they find themselves o...

upvote

downvote

report

Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?

Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?

Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.

Wizard: He has spells?

Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts "Cast iron!"

upvote

downvote

report

A rowdy William Shakespeare walks in to a pub

The landlord says "Oi, you're Bard!"

upvote

downvote

report

Two autocorrecting iPhones walk into a bear

Bard*

BRA*

BOAR*

JESUS %#$&ING CHRISTINA AGUILERA

upvote

downvote

report

Why was the Minstrel refused entry to the tavern?

He was BARD for life.

upvote

downvote

report

What bird regals you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?

Bard owl.

upvote

downvote

report

The death of an adventurers brother..

An adventuring party hears of the murder of the fighter's brother.

\>Bard: I swear I will have revenge for my brother!

\>Warrior: You have my sword!

\>Ranger: You have my bow!

\> Necromancer: And your brother! \*whacks corpse on the table\*

upvote

downvote

report

I went into a pub in Stratford and said in my best Shakespearean voice,

"A flagon of your finest ale please, Falstaff. "

They threw me out. Told me I was bard.

upvote

downvote

report

A musician had nothing to do so he decided to go have a drink, but the door was locked.

The bar door barred the bored bard.

upvote

downvote

report

Robbie Burns

As Robbie was looking for a place to stay the night, he came up to a farm.

The farmer curious of the bards talent, said "you can stay the night if you pen a better song than mine, using Timbuktu."

Robbie agreed, and the farmer started

"Stretching across the desert sands...

upvote

downvote

report

D&D multiclassing jokes

Q: How do you know if you've seen a multiclass ranger/rogue?
A: If you've seen them, they aren't one.

Q: What do you call a multiclass sorcerer/bard?
A: Whatever they make you call them...your delusion of free will is cute.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A party of adventurers walks into an inn.

They start ordering rounds of ales one after another, and quickly end up very drunk.

Soon the fighter gets a bit rowdy, spills a guy's drink, and the two get into a drunken brawl. The landlord comes over and separates them, then throws the fighter out of the inn.

Not long after that, t...

What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best poet

All the world's finest poets, writers, bards and linguists were gathered in a competition to determine the best among them. After a week of competing, the finalists left standing were a rabbi and an Australian shepherd. Their final task was to improvise a rhyme containing the word 'Timbuktu'.
...

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

upvote

downvote

report

Once upon a time

in a far away land there was a noble king and his beautiful, pregnant wife. The king was much loved by his people, but he had an intensely jealous brother. Envious that the birth of the prince would mean he would never rule, the brother sought the help of an evil witch. The witch cursed the unborn c...

upvote

downvote

report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.