UPJOKE
temporarylastingirreversiblepermperpetualeverlastingeternalenduringunendingstandingpermanent waveindissolubleabidingunceasingimperishable

Permanently Jokes

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Submarine ride to visit the wreck of the Titanic, $250,000.

Permanently join the wreck of the Titanic, priceless!

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

The United States Senate approved a measure last week to make daylight saving time permanent across the country.

Alabama already did this several years ago, deciding to permanently go back to 1845.

What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword?

A bae-blade

My dwarf friend was permanently banned from the nudist colony.

He kept sticking his nose in other people’s business.

Samsung is permanently stopping production of the Galaxy Note7.

At least it went out with a bang.

A priest and a permanently drunken bus driver from the same village come to the pearly gates and request entry to heaven.

St. Peter says to the priest " You wait two years," and to the bus driver, " You go straight in."

The priest protests, " How come? I have been preaching every Sunday for so many years - and he is nothing but a drunken bus driver."

St. Peter replies, "Listen, when you preached, they all...

Apparently there is a way to permanently remove memories

But I forgot it.

I once had an offer to join a secret club, where anyone who asked questions would be permanently banned.

I said, "Sure, why not?"

Why did the factory raising grizzlies for their hides not get shut down permanently by the court?

They had a right to bear farms.

Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.

Since then I've never looked back.

Did you hear about the doctor who permanently lost his license JUST for sleeping with one of his patients?!?

He was a great veterinarian.

I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!

Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

What do you call a Snake that Works in the Government?

My account got falsely permanently suspended

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

Some friars decide

Some friars decide that they no long want to be involved with the church and instead want to get into their true passion: flowers. They open a flower shop and people come flocking to it, as these are the flowers of truly righteous men. The other florists in town begin to become distressed because ...

I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke....

This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Merkel, Trump and Putin meet at the coast of normandy ...

Trump starts to tell them as soon as he arrives "we invented some new submarines, which can permanently stay under water for almost a month now". "Hah. We already invented submarines, that only have to cut surface once a year" Putin proudly replies. Both look at Merkel waiting for her to top them, b...

I learned something really cool today.

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it's a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus Loves Fish

God went to Adam one day and said:

"Hey man, who has been shitting near the Durian fruit I created last week. I told you guys not to disturb new creations for a week, at least. Now they will smell like shit for all eternity. They need a week undisturbed. Anything you add to them before that c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the boy born without eyelids? They made him new ones from his foreskin...

He was permanently cock-eyed.

WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!

// THE POLICE

Some minds are like concrete...

Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.


Got this out of a Georgia newspaper.

My Friend Have An Alarm Clock You Hit Powerfully And It Snoozes Longer

I Tried With Mine And It Work My Is On Snooze Permanently!

A garage should be called a Carage. And the parking spots closest to the door should be called CarKing spots.

Road rage should permanently be renamed to carnage.

So I saw a nun walking...

...down the road and so I stopped and asked her about her story she said that she had just left the convent permanently and so I asked her why she still had the robes on and She said "Well it is hard to break the habit"

After I won the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Now I’m permanently banned from the bowling tournament.

A Texan, Donald Trump, and a New Mexican are walking along when they stumble upon a gold lamp...

They all immediately grab for it, and each get a hand on it.

As they each struggle to take it from the other two, a genie pops out. The genie says, "You have woken me from my slumber, and I shall give you three wishes. Since you each have a hand on the lamp, you will get one wish a piece."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is pissed off at me for throwing a snowball at my son.

I’m also permanently banned from the maternity ward.

You can’t really blame Donald Trump for not believing in Global Warming

He’s permanently surrounded by snowflakes.

I just realized when you turn 18 your government free trial has ended...

you can terminate your contract but it voids all other assigning contacts permanently.

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

What an Idea..!!!

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between Donald J. Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talke...

Where did you come from?

A couple years ago, one night I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph out of nowhere barged into the room, tripped, and fell head first onto the glass coffee table. Totally killed the vibe, now I didn't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from, let's just ...

There's a group of people who say they for years they've adored these three sunflowers growing together...

...and then three sunflowers which looked the same and just as beautiful were planted next to them but did not grow very tall. Purely because of this, the people insisted and raged that the new sunflowers were an abomination that totally destroyed the beauty and awe of the three tall sunflowers perm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The burn victim

A kid burns his eyelids off one day playing with fireworks. He's rushed to the hospital where they conduct emergency surgery. The kid was fortunately uncircumcised, so they took the foreskin to replace the lids that had been seared away. His parents however, were furious about the rushed surgery bec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with a huge lasting headache, "I can't live with it anymore doc, please find out what's wrong".

So the doctor ran some tests, and after carefully studying the results, he presented the bad news to the patient. "It seems you have a very rare nervous disease near your testicles causing your headache. You have two options; either we cut off your testes or I can put you on very heavy pain medicati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the landlord, “What’s this about then?”

The landlord replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own in fact. Take a sip and it’ll magically ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The President visits a major hospital to open a new ward.

He is shown around first by a nurse so he can inspect the facilities.

On his way, he hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.

He goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.

He asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suffering from persistent headaches for years finally decides to go to the doctor.

After several exams, meetings with consultants and various tests, the doctor tells, "You have an unusual condition in which your testicles are pressed up against the base of your spine, causing your headaches. We don't know how this is caused, but the only long term solution available is to remove t...

Denise and what?!

A Jamaican women goes into labour for her expected twins. After delivering a healthy boy and girl she is so exhausted she passes out.

Some time later she wakes and asks the nurse to see her children so she can name them. The nurse replied saying that the women's brother had come in and named ...

My favourite Math pun

There were once 3 kingdoms that bordered the same lake. In the middle of the lake there was an island, and the 3 kingdoms had been fighting over it for years. No one seemed to be able to keep the upper hand for very long and no one had been victorious. The wars over this little island were very cost...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.