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Paralyzed Jokes

My friend got paralyzed

He says he can't stand living like this

One thing a paralyzed person can not do is?

Stand up comedy

What did the paralyzed man say to his loud neighbour

I can’t stand you guys

I told my paralyzed girlfriend I was leaving her...

She couldn't stand to see me go...

What do you call a group of paralyzed hippies?

Organic Vegetables.

What’s the difference between a man who’s paralyzed and one who has erectile dysfunction

One can get up in the morning the other can get it up in the morning

My ex-boyfriend paralyzed the left side of his body.

He's all right now.

(True Story)

Ever since becoming paralyzed in a car crash, my wife has had to do everything for me.

Including wiping my ass, feeding me and all of the house work.

But still, we just thank god she survived the crash.

What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?

Married.

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

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One day, a man visits his paralyzed friend with two beautiful daughers...

The man asks his friend to bring his slippers from his room. On his way, the friend see's the man's two daughters. With a quick wit, he says: "Your father has sent me here to fuck you to.". The two girls, of course, protest. They ask, "How so, that's impossible. He'd never say such a thing!".
...

A paralyzed man got a new set of legs from a death row inmate.

Don't worry, the other guy got the chair.

Hey guys, why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 began a racially motivated crime spree on April 28th, 2000 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, which left five individuals dead and one paralyzed.

My paralyzed girlfriend asked me to eat her out...

I told her I don’t eat vegetables

Are you paralyzed neck-down?

Move your hands above your neck

Do you know what the worst part of being paralyzed is?

I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

What, do you call a paralyzed Dutchman getting an erection?

A Brussels sprout,

Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.

After the service I went to leave. My car was gone.

I dont get people paralyzed from the neck down

Just keep everything above your neck jeez people

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down.

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looki...

Blonde in a car crash.

Blonde says to the paramedic, "I think I have concussion."

Paramedic asks the blonde, "How many fingers have I got up?"

Blonde screams, "Oh my God, "I'm paralyzed from the waist down."

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

I had a stroke of genius this morning

And now my genius is paralyzed

God answer prayers of a paralyzed little boy

'No', says God

Why in the world did a Kenosha, Wisconsin police officer shoot the unarmed Jacob Blake in the back SEVEN TIMES, leaving him paralyzed?

Because he ran out of bullets.

What do you call a gang of people paralyzed in all four limbs?

Squadriplegic.

Truck wreck

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astou...

It’s nice to have someone in your corner,

but does mine have to be a hooded demon in a corner in my bedroom at 3 AM while I’m paralyzed?

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A man gets a call from a doctor...

...who informs him that he needs to get to the hospital ASAP as his wife has been involved in a very serious traffic collision. The man gets to the hospital and is met at the doors by the Doctor. "Don't tell me she's dead, doc", says the man, "I don't think I could live without my wife, I can't thin...

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The art of Veterinary Medicine

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two quali...

My girlfriend broke with me because i lie all the time..

I'm paralyzed..

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

A truck carrying synonym dictionaries has had an accident on the highway.

From the other cars, the passengers were shocked, tormented, amazed, incredulous, confused, paralyzed, stunned, bewildered, perplexed, amazed, dumbfounded, dumbstruck.

Car crash

Today I came upon a car crash. The female driver was hysterical. She kept screaming “I’m blind, I’m blind” I tried to calm her down and reassure her she was just in shock. I asked her “How many fingers do I have up?” “ She screamed even louder “ Oh my God, I’m paralyzed from the waist down too”

Old joke from my missionary grandpa.

Two guys go to a preacher to be healed. One guy, Danny, has a lisp. The other, Mr. Smith, is paralyzed from the waist down and cannot walk. The preacher tells them, however, not to worry.

"The Lord is going to heal you. Are you ready?"

"Yes," says Mr. Smith,. "Yeth", says Danny....

So Al Sharpton Came To A Church....

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Miami Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about. I sat down and Sharpton came up to me - I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: “...

There was a man who was trying to do something special for his new wife for her birthday.

He cant think of anything to give her, so he reluctantly goes to his Mother-in-law for some advice. She decides to go to the mall to shop for some things together.

On their way over to the mall, they get into a bad car accident. They get t-boned on the side of the car where the Mother-in-law ...

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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

What do you call two doctors

What do you call two paralyzed doctors with good *standing* in the scientific community.

A *paradox*.

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A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane that is about to crash.

The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The han...

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On her wedding night with her third husband...

On her wedding night, Janine told her new husband how excited she was to finally have sex. Her husband said, "Wait a minute, you were married twice already. How is this possible?"

The wife responds, "Well my first husband was paralyzed from the waist down, so bless his heart, but we never lai...

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A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down

There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.

The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.

The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spin...

I went to my orthodontist for my 3 month checkup

It's a small practice, he makes some money on the side doubling as a psychic from time to time.

I sat down in the chair excited for my appointment. I quickly yelled "Look at my teeth! there has been so much change in only 3 months." He replied with "Yep, and there will actually be much more ...

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A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

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A guy driving down the road hits a prostitute with his car

He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.

She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..."

Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?"

"...

A doctor visits a woman after her operation.

Doctor: "Good day, before I tell you the diagnosis, I would like to ask you a question: Do you have ticklish feet?"
Patient: "Oh yes doctor, I have the awfullest tickle of all time, I barely stand it! But why do you ask?"
Doctor: "Well then I have good news! You no longer have that problem! Yo...

A man goes to the hospital after his wife has been in a terrible car accident...

The doctor meets him in the waiting room, "I'm sorry to tell you that your wife has suffered a terrible injury and is paralyzed from the neck down. From now on, you will need to feed her, clothe her, and help her go to the bathroom. She will rely on you for every waking second. The man, taken aba...

A customer at a hotel resort goes to complain to the manager.

"Manager," he says, "there are far too many mosquitoes here. Is there perhaps something you can do to fix it?"

The manager replies: "Absolutely sir, when the mosquitoes get particularly bad we use my grandfather. We bring him out on his wheelchair and cover him in honey and all the mosquitoes...

Praise the Lord and pass me my walking shoes

The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, “Praise Jesus, today you will walk!”

"But... but I'm not paralyzed."

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you...

A man rushes to the hospital after his wife gets in a severe car accident.

(one of my favorite jokes, I believe originally from Gilbert Gottfried)

Upon arrival the surgeon rushes out to see him.
**Surgeon:** Sir, I'm afraid I have terrible news. Your wife was in a severe accident and she is paralyzed from the neck down. From here on out, you'll have to do every...

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

Three dead improv actors are told that only those who died a horrible death are allowed to enter Heaven due to overcrowding

So, the first thinks for a second and then explains to St. Peter that he got home and found his wife naked in bed in the middle of day. Suspecting adultery, he had searched their 10th floor apartment until he finally found a man hanging from the balcony by his finger nails.

Overcome with jeal...

If The Jungle Book were written by George R.R. Martin...

Bagheera would have died saving Mowgli from the snake, Kaa. Mowgli would have fallen while fetching honey for Baloo and become paralyzed. Kaa would have been beheaded by a bitter rival from House Anaconda. Raksha, sending her cubs to seek refuge in the jungle, dies at the hands (paws) of Shere Khan....

The zoo inspector and the monkey

Once upon a time, an inspector planned to come to a zoo, as it wasn't doing well and didn't make profit. That became a problem to the managers who didn't want him to find out that they sold the monkey.

So they approached bill, a janitor and a faithful worker there and gave him a monkey suit ...

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AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. ...

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

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The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently...

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The pope is in Mexico visiting. He lowers the partition and kindly asks if he can drive.....

Driver: Excuse me your excellency?

Pope: I said, would you mind if I drive today?

Driver: B..bu...but, sir I will most certainly loose my job if I did that.

Pope: In all these years I have never driven. I used to enjoy driving so very much. I promise, you will not loose your...

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A call from the hospital

A man comes home from work, and as he's opening the door, he hears the phone ringing. He puts down his toolbox, and picks up the receiver.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Steve Sanders?"
"Yes, it is..."
"Hello, Mr. Sanders. I regret to have to tell you that your wife has been in an awful ca...

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I didn't make this 4 years ago. This might not be the worst joke. I'm posting again for the ones who read the original by the original poster...this is my version to pay homage

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known porn star, and the other is a lazy ass. Lazy ass doesn't have a job and just likes to sit around the house. One Sunday, the porn star is angry and thirsty. He decides to make the brother do something useful....

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I stopped a young woman from committing suicide today

I was taking a walk on the pier, enjoying the sunny but cold day. As I neared the end of the mostly deserted pier, I came across a young woman in a wheelchair. I noticed that she was crying, so I went up to her and asked if she wanted to talk about what was bothering her. She looked up at me and ...

Due to severe overpopulation, God now only allows people who have died terrible deaths to enter Heaven.

WAs God waits near a gate, he is approached a man, where God immediately asks him, "How did you die?".

The man replied, "Well you see, I have always suspected that my wife was cheating on me for at least a few years now. I came home one day to my apartment to see her lying naked in bed, and w...

Why there are led lights now!

Two physics PhD guys and mathematician PhD after a conference sit in a hotel lobby and having drinks. Suddenly the light bulb burns out over their head and maintenance guy comes and changes the light bulb. While changing it, he hands the burnt out light bulb over to the mathematician who puts it car...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

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