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Opposite Side Jokes

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Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I se...

Two men meets on opposite sides of a river...

One shouts "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other says "You are on the other side!

My wife and I woke up on opposite sides of the bed.

The aliens are getting sloppy.

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

What do you call two dentists that live on the opposite side of the world?

Molar opposites

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There are two men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is 300 ft up on a tight rope with no safety net, and the other is getting a blowjob from 96 year old women. They think the same exact thing at the same exact time


Oh god, don't look down!

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

A young adult named Bob enters a confessional

Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”

Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”

Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”

Fishin'

A man is at the river standing on the bank, fishing. He's there all day and doesn't even get a bite. He looks at the other bank and sees a woman pulling up TWO full stringers of fish!

Next day, he goes fishing and goes to the exact spot the woman was the day before. All day. Nothing. Not...

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Hole-y Golf

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf one day.

The hole is a par 3 with a huge lake in front of the tee.

Jesus steps up, takes his swing, BOOM, the ball flies up and lands on the edge of the opposite side of the lake.

Jesus walks across the water, hits his ball to land ...

War dress code

There is a war going on between the Germans and the Scottish and in the middle of the war two soldiers from opposite sides stop to talk and one of them asks the other “why do you wear red uniforms?” They respond “when someone is shot the blood blends in and morale stays up. Why do you wear brown uni...

Three guys sitting on a bench

So a new office worker just joined and was sitting outside for lunch and sees two guys opposite sides of the bench so he sits in the middle eating his food. The guy on the left says,” Well.” The guy on the right says,” Yeah.” The guy in the middle sits there and says,” Well Yeah.” And then later lea...

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

Why are chromosomes like fighting prisoners?

They both get pulled apart to opposite sides of the cell.

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Two drunks at a party..

Two guys go to a party and get **very** drunk.

They are sat at a table beside the dance floor, and one of them sets eyes on a lady on the opposite side, sat alone.

"Man, she's really beautiful, I'd like to have a dance with her." says the first guy.

"Which one?" says the second....

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Two Catholic Priests...

Two Catholic Priests live on the opposite sides of town, and pass each other on their bikes on the way to Sunday Mass. One day, one of the priests was walking. So the other priest stopped.
"Father, where is your bike at?" "Well, I think it was stolen, and I don't know what to do."
The one prie...

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A woman finds out her husband has been cheating on her. In a fit of rage she chops his penis off..

She jumps in the car and starts speeding down the highway and throws his penis out the window.

Little did she know, two nuns were driving in their car on the opposite side of the road.

The penis hits their windshield and flies off.

Nun 1: Oh my goodness!! What kind of bug was ...

Hey you! Over there!

Two blonde Karens were walking along opposite sides of a river. One shouted to the other “Hey you, how do I get to the other side of this river”? Back came the answer “Well DUH dumbass, you ARE on the other side of the river”!

The Norwegian and the Covid-denier

One day an Norwegian and a covid-denier were fishing on opposite sides of the same river, but the Norwegian guy was catching all of the fish.

Eventually, the covid-denier asks the Norwegian, "How do you get to the other side?"

The Norwegian guy responds, "I'll turn on my flashlight and...

A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..

During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move. He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?" Filled with exc...

A narcissist walks into a bar...

A narcissist walks into a bar and orders a drink for the handsome gent winking at him from the opposite side of the room.

The bartender looks around.
"Sir, that's a mirror."

A scientist, Mathematician, and statistictian all go out hunting....

They see a deer and this Scientist takes the first shot. He misses by 3 feet
The Mathematician takes a shot and misses again by 3 feet on the opposite side.
The Statistictian shouts "We hit it!"

Why did Ajit Pai cross the road?

Because Verizon payroll services was on the opposite side.

A B-road walks into a Bar, he orders a pint, sits down, and starts reading the newspaper.

5 minutes later an A road walks into a bar, he orders a pint, sits down, and starts reading the newspaper.

The B-road moves to the opposite side of the bar, peeking frightfully over the top of his newspaper at the larger, higher maintenance A-road.

Later, a motorway walks into a bar, h...

A private school dance...

There are two private middle schools having a school dance together in on of the school's gyms. One is an all girls' school, and the other is an all boys' school.

All of the kids are dancing in the middle of the school's gym and having a pretty good time...except for one girl with a peg leg a...

Owning the ultra-competitive rival

So there’s this guy who likes to play sports but he’s fairly casual about it. That he sometimes loses isn’t a big deal until his old rival and school bully shows up in his life again.

At first, the bully acts as if he has changed his ways and now just wants to hang out with his former vict...

Breakfast Wife

(Overheard at work)

I was eating breakfast at a dinner with the old lady when the man at the next booth says to his wife, "Please pass the sugar, sugar".

A short time later at the booth on the opposite side of me, the man says to his wife, "Please pass the honey, honey".

Annoye...

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A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop, however, is a riddle lover and tells the man that he would be free to go without a ticket if he solved his riddle correctly.
The man accepted, and the cop told him: "you're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the opposite side you see two lights coming towards you. What is it?"
...

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An old man gets the call from the IRS

The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The ...

The Interview

A man goes into an office for an interview.
He sits down on the opposite side of the table of his interviewer.

*couple hours later*

Interviewer: “Hey, everything looks great and you seem like the right person for the job. I just have one more question, it seems that you were unempl...

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Two men arguing

There was two men one named bill , the other clarence . they lived on opposite sides of a river . Neither of the men could swim , and each day they would stand on opposite sides of the river cursing at each other . Bill would always say if I could swim I would come over there an kick your butt . Thi...

Two blondes were tubing down a river...

Two blondes were tubing down a river when they got pulled into the rapids. Their tubes capsized and floated off without them and they ended up on opposite sides of the river.

One yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side?"

The other yells back, "You're on the other side!"

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A man who had suspicion that his wife was deaf....

... so he decided to test his wife. He told his wife to water the plants on the opposite side of the farm and then he yelled loudly. No response whatsoever. He decided to move closer and yelled again, and still total silence. With determination that his wife was totally deaf, he slowly walked to his...

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

A mathematician goes to a confession booth...

He says to the priest: 'Father, I have a sin to confess'

The priest says: 'Don't worry, tell me and the lord will see if he can forgive you'

The mathematician says: 'I used the opposite side instead of the adjacent to calculate cos.'

Ski Lodge

Three guys go to a ski lodge, unfortunately there isnt enough rooms so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night one of the guys wakes up and says "I just had an amazing dream that I was getting a handjob!"

The one on the opposite side responds "really? So did I!"

The...

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Car Repair at Walmart

A man and a woman had car trouble as they pulled into the Walmart parking lot. The man told his wife to go ahead and do the shopping and he would try to fix the car.

The wife finishes shopping after about 90 minutes and walks out to the parking lot. She sees a group of people gathered around ...

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

The ice fishing contest

An ice fishing contest is held between Norway and Sweden. The teams from each country get up early and set up their gear at opposite sides of a lake.

After about half an hour, the Norwegians haul up their first fish. The Swedes can hear them cheer from across the lake. Then another one bites...

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A guy walks into a bar, and gets an apple.

A guy walks into a bar, sits front and center on the bar and asks the bartender for a Rum and Coke. The bartender looks at the guy, reaches under the bar, and tosses him an apple. The guy with a confused face says "I asked for a Rum and Coke." Which the bartender replies "Take a bite, trust me." He...

Two antennae...

One day, Two antennae on opposite sides of the roof meet each other. They get to know one another real well, end up falling in love, and eventually decide to marry. The wedding wasn't anything special, but the reception was amazing!!!

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Two men in a car have to go to the bathroom really bad...

and they can't wait any longer, so they pull off onto the side of a dirt road. To keep their manners, they agree to pee on opposite sides of the road.

The passenger gets out and starts peeing on some buttercups. After a moment, a voice in his head booms out, "This is God, and I made those...

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My favourite Richard Pryor joke

(paraphrased) Two black guys are argueing about who has the biggest cock. They agree to go into the woods (for privacy) so that they can whip them out and compare. On the way there, they have to cross a bridge and they both decide that they need to pee. They take opposite sides of the bridge and ...

A man is trapped on a desert island...

.... with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs ba...

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Old joke my friend use to tell

A man was having a really horrible day, he lost his job, his wife left him and he decided to go to a bar that he'd never been to before. It was on the 42nd floor of a high-rise building, he goes he sets down and orders a drink. After a few moments a man down on the other side of the bar notices him ...

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

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A convict imprisoned for 1st degree murder escaped from prison.

On the run, he broke into a young couple's house and tied each of them up on opposite sides of the room. He went over to the wife and bent over beside her, appearing to be kissing her neck. He suddenly got up and left the room. Quickly, the husband rushed to his wife and whispered, "This guy probabl...

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Bill and George buy a small boat...

and Bill has a stutter. So they're out in the middle of the sea and George decides that they should each watch opposite sides of the boat and warn the other if they see anything.

After a few minutes Bill starts saying: "Sh-sh-sh-sh." But before he could finish his sentence a giant ship hit th...

The two villages were troubled.

They were constantly being forced to search for other places to fish in the river. There was a massive bear that paraded the shores on both sides and this made fishing difficult for both villages that lie on opposite sides of the river.

Earlier there used to be a small pack of wolves that pa...

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So an old man is drinking In a bar with his friends...

He goes up to the bartender and says, "bartender I want to make a bet with you" , "okay what's the bet?" "I bet I could bite my own ass for $200." The bartender agrees and puts $200 on the bar, so the old man takes out his denchers and pinches his ass with them. He goes and has a few drinks with his...

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OC: By a hobo, to a hobo, about a hobo (a Melvin tale)

(This story was told to me by my friend Mondo, about our mutual friend Melvin. We're all hobos here, living on the streets in the affluent community of Roseville, California. If you're ever in the area and you see a frail old man carrying a massive green rucksack, give ol' Melvin a beer for me. He w...

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Mime competition

(please note: this joke works best if you actually do the signs when you tell it)


A bar is having a mime competition, and the finalists are an Englishman and an American.

The Englishman starts, putting his hand into a fist.
The American replies, placing his hand in front of him...

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

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A guy moves out of the city to become a chicken farmer.

He buys a plot of property in the middle of nowhere, and walks to the nearest town to meet the local townspeople and see who's who for chicken farming. A local says, "Go see the farmer that-a-way", pointing towards the opposite side of town from where the man came. "He's a ways out there, but he's...

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