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Motivational Jokes

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because the change starts with you.

A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?

B-Positive

What did Microsoft employees say to Bill Gates after his motivational speech?

Word.

What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water?

Do you have what it takes to be a liter?

Motivational quote.

If you seek victory, be a sausage.

That way, you’ll be a wiener.

Motivational Story

One Day A Fisherman got up very early in the Morning.
There was not enough Sunlight to get into the Sea.
He saw a Pack of Stones...
To Pass Time he started throwing the Stone into the Sea.
While having the last stone in the Hand,
The Sun came up then he saw that the Stone was a Diamo...

What do you call a motivational program in a family business?

Incestives

A man tries to find success as an Anti-motivational speaker

"In today's world of toxic positivity, we need more HEALTHY NEGATIVITY! Acknowledge your limitations! Understand your lack of potential! Remember that in this world of many people, you are NOT SPECIAL and EASILY REPLACEABLE!"

An audience member suddenly stood up, tears streaming down his fac...

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps?

Because he is an outgoing male.

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teach...

What did the motivational speaker dolphin believe?

That everybody in life has a porpoise

A man at a job interview was asked what he thought his greatest qualities were.

'My motivational skills' he replied ' At my last job everyone said they had to work twice as hard when I was around'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A motivational speaker talks about getting what you want

A motivational speaker has a crowd all riled up. "If you want sweets,", he says, "buy a sweets shop. If you want to lose weight, just lose weight! Whatever you want, just take it!"

After wrapping up and getting ready to leave, he pauses at the parking lot. "Who took my *fucking* motorcycle...

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

People say I should be a motivational speaker,

But I don't have the motivation.

What’s my blood doctors favourite motivational quote?

Be Positive.

I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said

I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

A motivational speaker retired due to depression

He discovered he had B Negative blood

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?

Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.

My sister told me about a christian motivational group that came to her school. She said they were super strong but didn't lift weights.

So I figured they must do crossfit.

I was asked to give a motivational speech

But I just don't feel like it.

What do you call a group of motivational speakers?

A fleece.

Reading The Writing On The Wall...

I used to spend long hours working on my "rubbing-up-against-strangers-in-public" technique...

...until I got my *new* pair of glasses and re-read that motivational poster on the break-room wall.

So, my bad... it turns out it does *not* say : "Practice Makes Pervert"

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My boss is a dick

My boss is a dick. He emails motivational quotes to the whole company every Monday morning.

This weeks was ‘Do one thing everyday that scares you.’

So I emailed back telling him to go fuck himself.

A guy walks in a library:

- Do you have motivational books here?
- Yes darling, right there, 3rd row, the second shelf.
- Do you have any books closer?"

I have always wanted to be a motivational speaker. To get the crowd on their feet. To feel optimistic about the day ahead, or even the life ahead. To make them feel like all their dreams are within arms reach with just a little hard work and the willingness to be something more than just who you are

Im just too lazy to get up.

Last Respects

At a motivational seminar, 3 men were volunteered to come up to the stage and were asked the same question,"When you are in your casket, and your loved ones are mourning,what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The 1st man said," I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor...

I blew a speaker in my car today..

It was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth, but I feel a lot better about myself.

Question- what's the worst possible poster you can hang in an STD testing clinic?

[answer](http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/947257/308963732/stock-vector-creative-vector-inspirational-poster-with-motivational-quote-think-positive-motivational-design-308963732.jpg)

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

An elderly RAF veteran was giving a talk at an all girls school...

He was called in to give a motivational talk about British moral during the war, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue, we became surround by a pack of these Fokkers. I had two Fokkers in ei...

Stand and Deliver

"Stand and Deliver" are motivational words unless they are told to a pregnant lady.

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A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.
The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out a...

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Two Sandwiches in a Deli

One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?"


The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conv...

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