TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

An old Jewish man is lying on his deathbed with his wife Becky by his side. He looked at her and said, "Becky, many years ago we were in Germany when the war began. Becky, you were by my side.

The Germans came and take us to their camps. Becky, you were by my side.

We leave Germany after the war and we come to London and we have very little money. Becky, you were by my side.

We buy the jewelers shop and we have some bad times, we were beaten and robbed. Becky, you were...

I taught English in Germany.

The first day I taught them everything beginning with A.

The second day I taught them everything beginning with B.

D Day was a bit tricky.

I was on holiday in Germany with the wife

...and we went to a cafe.

After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”

I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”

Where do pigs live in Germany?

Ham-burg

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

What is the SS called in Germany?

The ß

I was invited to a banquet in Germany, but all they served was sausage and cheese.

And that felt like the wurst käse scenario...

What do they call pastors in Germany

German shepherds

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”
The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”







Translation - “Big? Thanks!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

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A Jew is riding in a streetcar in Germany during the early days of the Third Reich.

He is reading reading a Nazi newspaper, the Volkische Beobachter. A non-Jewish acquaintance sits down next to him and says, "Why on earth are you reading that garbage? It’s so virulently anti-Semitic!” “Look, friend," says the Jew, "I get up early and work hard in a factory all day. When I get home,...

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to hi...

A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. ...

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A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

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I am insecure about my penis size, and going to a naked park in Germany didn’t help

Just as I was beginning to feel confident, a group of german girls walked by, pointed at my dick, and said “gross”.

Now I think it’s too small *and* it looks gross.

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I was on vacation walking my dog on a beach in Germany when the dog decided to run in and was taken by the current

I don’t know how to swim so I screamed for help and luckily a local German jumped in after him. The man got the dog out of the water and immediately started twisting the dogs ear while slapping its ass as I sat there crying. Spontaneously my dog stood up and started breathing again and ran into my a...

A man and his son walk into a bar in Germany

The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here"

Whats the most common occupation in Germany?

Poland

Bosnian guy called Sakib just started working as a car salesman in Germany

Bosnian guy called Sakib just started working as a car salesman in Germany.

First day passes by and Sakib sells 10 cars to some Chinese guys. His boss is shocked, and then ask him: "Sakib, how did you sell 10 cars?" To which Sakib replies: "Boss, all people around the globe know me." Boss jus...

I was lost wandering by foot in Germany after my car broke down..

... When I came across a party where they were serving cheese and sausages. I suppose you could call it a wurst-Käse scenario.

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

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Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

Conspiracy theorists in Germany believe the government plans to do mandatory vaccinations against Corona. That's laughable.

I'm certain they'll put something in the tap water.

Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.

It’s the wurst.

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My dog nearly drowned in Germany until...

This guy jumped in the freezing lake and pulled him out. He swam back to shore about 30 seconds later, with my dog. I thanked him dearly and he said "You're welcome" in a thick German accent. I asked him if he's a vet. He responded with "Wet? I'm fucking soaking"

over the The next 3 months, there's going to be a drought in Germany

Definitely looks like a Drei season

Do you know why the ketchup industry is thriving in Germany this year?

Heinz' zeit is 2020

There was an English teacher teaching in Germany.

On the first day. He taught them all the words beginning with A. On the second day he taught them all the words beginning with B. After the third day, which was words with C. He thought to himself. “I wonder how they’re going to handle ‘D-day’”

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle

It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle

There was a joke telling contest in Germany

Nobody laughed, but it was very well organized.

Joke I stole from r/worldpolitics A joke circulating in Germany:

What borders on
stupidity?

Mexico and Canada

A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio:

-WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!
The german replies:
-Wat are you sinking about?

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

Do you know what they call a bra in Germany?

Kepzemfromfloppin

Growing up in Germany, we always had this game that we'd play where we'd run around and hit each other with bread

Man, I miss Gluten Tag

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

How do coeliac intolerance people in Germany say hello to each other?

Gluten-Morgan

In Germany, we know of a joke

The French military.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was in the late 1930s in Germany and a Jewish man who was sitting in a restaurant reading a Nazi newspaper.

A friend of his, who passed by, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading the Nazi newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Jews disappearing...

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An art student in Germany applies for a Fine Arts Academy.

The headmaster assures the student that his work is great, and his mind is exceptional.

But he tells the student the university has already received too many students for this year so unfortunately his application is denied.

The student grows a somber look on his face, leans in and say...

When you're in Germany and a group of people approaches you

You have to fear the kraut and expect the wurst

What's the Coldest city in Germany?

Brrrrrlin

What do you call a mean person in Germany?

A Deutsche-bag

I don't know why they run marathons in Germany....

They have a history of not finishing races.

Why do dogs live so long in Germany?

Because of all the Veteran Aryans.

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Why do showerheads in germany have 11 holes?

Because jews only have 10 fingers

I was in germany at octoberfest and they asked me how many beers I wanted...

I said nine, but they didn't bring me any.

In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks.

They call them danke memes.

What do they call the riot police in Germany?

The kraut control

A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.

"No."

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My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

My dad grew up herding sheep in Germany

He was a German shepherd.

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Why did the Jews in Germany not establish an organization against the Holocaust?

There was too little interest.

Did you hear about the mean woman who died after falling into a sausage making machine in Germany?

She was the wurst...

What do you call refugees in Germany?

Alternative energy.

Our generation was so much nicer... I know because I grew up in Germany...

...and we were all kinder

The year is 1900 and it is sunny summer day in Germany

One person, named Hans has a day off. He decides to go to seer to find about something about his future.

He went to the seer. It was old lady that could see peoples' future in her magical globe. She closes herself with Hans in one dark room and starts the ritual.

All of a sudden she g...

Do you know why there are so many great bakeries in Germany?

They had to do *something* with all of the ovens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is vacationing in Germany

While having a nice time seeing the sights, she spots a man with his pants down, pissing on the side of the road.

Disgusted, she yells, “That’s so gross!”

The man smiles and yells back, “Danke!!”

What operating system do they use in Germany?

Mac os Nein

My friend died during his trip in Germany

Apparently he had an undiagnosed Guten allergy.

A man goes into a confession booth in Germany...

He says "Please forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest responded, "What is your sin my child?"
The man replies "During WWII I took in a Jewish man and hid him in my attic."
The priest then exclaims, "Good sir, that is not a sin at all. That was a righteous burden you took upon ...

What do you call a good looking woman in Germany?

a tourist

In Germany we have the best street: The Autobahn

No speed limit there.



And we have the best club: Berghain.

Also no speed limit there.

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

People in Germany are nice but strange.

Why do they keep calling me Dan Keschon?

In Germany it's common for mentally ill patients to be committed to least ten different facilities.

They're in-zehn asylums.

What is the worst possible slogan for someone running for president in Germany?

Make Germany great again

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I asked my German friend how many jews there are in Germany today

He replied: I don't know, do you want me to gas?


(This is conversation actually took place like an hour ago)

Why is every 3rd pool in Germany empty?

Eins
Zwei
Drei

Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany?

Because it's a Nietzsche Market.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do refugees in Germany smell like shit?

Because they're too scared to go in the showers.

What do you call Mac&Cheese in Germany?

Mein Kraft

There is a university in Germany that continually searches for the biggest piece of wood

Its the Max Plank institute

A recent study conducted in Germany by Professor Bernd Ottovordemgentschenfelde proves that 99.9% of people

skip his name

A fire rages in a high-rise apartment in Germany...

and a woman and her baby are stuck on a high floor, looking out the window. The firetruck's ladder cannot reach them, so the woman contemplates throwing the baby down to the firemen but both the mother and the firemen are scared of maybe not catching the baby.

Then, Manuel Neuer, Germany's...

Uber teams up with Lyft to fight ride-sharing restrictions in Germany

Deutschland Uber allies was probably a bad choice for the name of the coalition.

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So my friend was in Germany and made a nazi joke...

And people got a bit embarrassed and quietly explained to him that "ehm, you probably shouldn't do nazi jokes here, it's kind of forbidden...", to which he replied:

"Well that's stupid! What kind of fascist country bans nazi jokes?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich middle eastern oil tycoon sends his son to study in Germany...

His son is feeling nervous about being alone abroad. So, his father allows him to take one of the golden plated Ferraris to Germany in order to boost his confidence. It is shipped over and the father hears nothing for the first few weeks from his son. Then, he recieves an email:

"Father,
<...

In Germany the grown ups are kind...

...but the children are kinder.

How do you call it, when the internet is not working in Germany?

"InterNEIN"

Michael Jordan tried escaping his nickname in Germany...

but they still called him Herr Jordan.

an old Russian man wants to visit a friend in germany

an old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and af...

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A far right party wins an election in Germany with 60% of the vote.

I did nazi that coming

Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany..

Just look for the *gluten tag*.

Why's it so hard to find marathon and triathlon reviews in Germany?

Well, you know what happened last time they picked a race...

My Grandpa owned a hot dog chain in Germany...

You might have heard of it..."Anne's Franks"

In Germany things generally go from bad to

Wurst.

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

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An American couple is looking to adopt a child...

and for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany. There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks.

"Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Vol...

A French man and a German sit at a bar

The French man says to the German, “In France, we have fun by going to the park, eating bread with cheese, and mocking tourists. What is it that you Germans do for fun?” The German replied, “In Germany we ride the autobahn, visit historical sites, and learn about the world.” “Pah!”, the French man s...

An old joke from Germany, when Trump jad just became President...

Trump is on Europe tour. He stops by in Germany and visits Mrs. Merkel in the german pariament; the 'Bundestag'.

He sees that everything there is working out just fine, so he asks her: "How do you do that?"
"What?", she asks.
"That everything works out so well?"

"Oh, that's easy....

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