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In Germany Jokes

In Germany, we have a joke.

Sincerely. We do.

A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. ...

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to hi...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Arab student in Germany.

An arab student studying in Germany contacts his father saying "I feel ashamed that I come to college on a Lexus and the Doctors who teach me come by train".

His father sends him a check with 100 million $ and a note saying "here go buy yourself a train and don't embarrass us with the Germans...

A Jewish man walks into a bar in Germany

He sits down and orders a beer. The bar is quiet today and the bartender is kind of bored, so he starts a conversation with this man. They talk for some time until they come across a topic of religion. “Yeah, I’m Jewish”, says the man. The bartender is in shock: “I’m terribly sorry for holocaust, oh...

A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.

It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

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Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

What do they call Peppa Pig in Germany?

*Brat*wurst.

Why can’t cats drive boats in Germany?

Because it’s Fur Boatin’

It was an ordinary day during the hyperinflation of 1923 in Germany.

And your friendly neighborhood Hans was coming back home from work, carrying his pay in a large basket.

Unfortunately, Hans got mugged.

The robbers tipped out the banknotes and ran off with the basket!

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What did Hitler do to gain power in Germany?

He Brat out the Wurst in people.

I taught English in Germany.

The first day I taught them everything beginning with A.

The second day I taught them everything beginning with B.

D Day was a bit tricky.

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

In Germany, we know of a joke

The French military.

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin.

I missed the mark though.

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I love timezones

In England it's 12PM, in Germany it's 1PM and in the U.S it's 1953.

Fuck you, SCOTUS.

A man goes into a confession booth in Germany...

He says "Please forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest responded, "What is your sin my child?"
The man replies "During WWII I took in a Jewish man and hid him in my attic."
The priest then exclaims, "Good sir, that is not a sin at all. That was a righteous burden you took upon ...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

Where do pigs live in Germany?

Ham-burg

What do they call pastors in Germany

German shepherds

What is the SS called in Germany?

The ß

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”
The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”







Translation - “Big? Thanks!”

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

Whats the most common occupation in Germany?

Poland

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A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

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My dog nearly drowned in Germany until...

This guy jumped in the freezing lake and pulled him out. He swam back to shore about 30 seconds later, with my dog. I thanked him dearly and he said "You're welcome" in a thick German accent. I asked him if he's a vet. He responded with "Wet? I'm fucking soaking"

There was a joke telling contest in Germany

Nobody laughed, but it was very well organized.

There was an English teacher teaching in Germany.

On the first day. He taught them all the words beginning with A. On the second day he taught them all the words beginning with B. After the third day, which was words with C. He thought to himself. “I wonder how they’re going to handle ‘D-day’”

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

I don't know why they run marathons in Germany....

They have a history of not finishing races.

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A Jew is riding in a streetcar in Germany during the early days of the Third Reich.

He is reading reading a Nazi newspaper, the Volkische Beobachter. A non-Jewish acquaintance sits down next to him and says, "Why on earth are you reading that garbage? It’s so virulently anti-Semitic!” “Look, friend," says the Jew, "I get up early and work hard in a factory all day. When I get home,...

What will 5G-NSA, a rather new mobile communication term, be called in Germany?

5G-BND

What's the Coldest city in Germany?

Brrrrrlin

In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks.

They call them danke memes.

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

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Why do showerheads in germany have 11 holes?

Because jews only have 10 fingers

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A woman is vacationing in Germany

While having a nice time seeing the sights, she spots a man with his pants down, pissing on the side of the road.

Disgusted, she yells, “That’s so gross!”

The man smiles and yells back, “Danke!!”

A man and his son walk into a bar in Germany

The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here"

In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle

It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle

What do you call refugees in Germany?

Alternative energy.

I was invited to a banquet in Germany, but all they served was sausage and cheese.

And that felt like the wurst käse scenario...

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I am insecure about my penis size, and going to a naked park in Germany didn’t help

Just as I was beginning to feel confident, a group of german girls walked by, pointed at my dick, and said “gross”.

Now I think it’s too small *and* it looks gross.

Why do dogs live so long in Germany?

Because of all the Veteran Aryans.

Joke I stole from r/worldpolitics A joke circulating in Germany:

What borders on
stupidity?

Mexico and Canada

My dad grew up herding sheep in Germany

He was a German shepherd.

What do you call a mean person in Germany?

A Deutsche-bag

People in Germany are nice but strange.

Why do they keep calling me Dan Keschon?

I was lost wandering by foot in Germany after my car broke down..

... When I came across a party where they were serving cheese and sausages. I suppose you could call it a wurst-Käse scenario.

What operating system do they use in Germany?

Mac os Nein

What do they call an unplanned pregnancy in Germany?

A kinder surprise

Do you know why there are so many great bakeries in Germany?

They had to do *something* with all of the ovens.

My friend died during his trip in Germany

Apparently he had an undiagnosed Guten allergy.

What do they call the riot police in Germany?

The kraut control

Robbin Williams was on a talk show in Germany

They asked him, “Why do you think comedy is not big in Germany?”

“Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?”

“No.”

Do you know why the ketchup industry is thriving in Germany this year?

Heinz' zeit is 2020

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

How do coeliac intolerance people in Germany say hello to each other?

Gluten-Morgan

When you're in Germany and a group of people approaches you

You have to fear the kraut and expect the wurst

I'm gonna open a bakery in Germany.

I'll call it "Gluten Tag!"

K-THX-BAI!!!!!

over the The next 3 months, there's going to be a drought in Germany

Definitely looks like a Drei season

In Germany we have the best street: The Autobahn

No speed limit there.



And we have the best club: Berghain.

Also no speed limit there.

Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany?

Because it's a Nietzsche Market.

Why is every 3rd pool in Germany empty?

Eins
Zwei
Drei

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Why do refugees in Germany smell like shit?

Because they're too scared to go in the showers.

What do you call a good looking woman in Germany?

a tourist

What do you call Mac&Cheese in Germany?

Mein Kraft

In Germany the grown ups are kind...

...but the children are kinder.

A fire rages in a high-rise apartment in Germany...

and a woman and her baby are stuck on a high floor, looking out the window. The firetruck's ladder cannot reach them, so the woman contemplates throwing the baby down to the firemen but both the mother and the firemen are scared of maybe not catching the baby.

Then, Manuel Neuer, Germany's...

A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio:

-WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!
The german replies:
-Wat are you sinking about?

The year is 1900 and it is sunny summer day in Germany

One person, named Hans has a day off. He decides to go to seer to find about something about his future.

He went to the seer. It was old lady that could see peoples' future in her magical globe. She closes herself with Hans in one dark room and starts the ritual.

All of a sudden she g...

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

I was in germany at octoberfest and they asked me how many beers I wanted...

I said nine, but they didn't bring me any.

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It was in the late 1930s in Germany and a Jewish man who was sitting in a restaurant reading a Nazi newspaper.

A friend of his, who passed by, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading the Nazi newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Jews disappearing...

An old Jewish man is lying on his deathbed with his wife Becky by his side. He looks to Becky and says "Many years ago Becky we were in Germany when the war began. Becky, you were by my side.

The Germans came and take us to their camps. Becky, you were by my side.

We leave Germany after the war and we come to London and we have very little money. Becky, you were by my side.

We buy the jewelers shop and we have some bad times, we were beaten and robbed. Becky, you were...

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

Our generation was so much nicer... I know because I grew up in Germany...

...and we were all kinder

Michael Jordan tried escaping his nickname in Germany...

but they still called him Herr Jordan.

What is the worst possible slogan for someone running for president in Germany?

Make Germany great again

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I was on vacation walking my dog on a beach in Germany when the dog decided to run in and was taken by the current

I don’t know how to swim so I screamed for help and luckily a local German jumped in after him. The man got the dog out of the water and immediately started twisting the dogs ear while slapping its ass as I sat there crying. Spontaneously my dog stood up and started breathing again and ran into my a...

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I asked my German friend how many jews there are in Germany today

He replied: I don't know, do you want me to gas?


(This is conversation actually took place like an hour ago)

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So my friend was in Germany and made a nazi joke...

And people got a bit embarrassed and quietly explained to him that "ehm, you probably shouldn't do nazi jokes here, it's kind of forbidden...", to which he replied:

"Well that's stupid! What kind of fascist country bans nazi jokes?!"

Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany..

Just look for the *gluten tag*.

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

In Germany things generally go from bad to

Wurst.

Uber teams up with Lyft to fight ride-sharing restrictions in Germany

Deutschland Uber allies was probably a bad choice for the name of the coalition.

Did you hear about the mean woman who died after falling into a sausage making machine in Germany?

She was the wurst...

In Germany it's common for mentally ill patients to be committed to least ten different facilities.

They're in-zehn asylums.

Growing up in Germany, we always had this game that we'd play where we'd run around and hit each other with bread

Man, I miss Gluten Tag

My Grandpa owned a hot dog chain in Germany...

You might have heard of it..."Anne's Franks"

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

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A rich middle eastern oil tycoon sends his son to study in Germany...

His son is feeling nervous about being alone abroad. So, his father allows him to take one of the golden plated Ferraris to Germany in order to boost his confidence. It is shipped over and the father hears nothing for the first few weeks from his son. Then, he recieves an email:

"Father,
<...

There is a university in Germany that continually searches for the biggest piece of wood

Its the Max Plank institute

How do you call it, when the internet is not working in Germany?

"InterNEIN"

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

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