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I Don't Care Jokes

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Whenever people diss me i don't care

Because jokes are like big dicks

I know how to take them

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,”

so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

I want to open a resturant called "I don't care"

So I could finally go to that place my girlfriend is always talking about.

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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I don't care about skin color, race, sexual preference or social status.

I just hate everyone.

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

I Don't care what any of you say..

My Alzheimer's lets me enjoy this site everyday

I don't care if you don't like space puns. I like space puns.

Comet me bro.

I don't care if it's not "politically correct"...

But I think the president of Europe is a really nice guy

I don't care for the term kidnapping

I prefer surprise adoption.

I don't care how great owls are

I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl.

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I don't care.

"I don't care."

"Don't care about what?"

"Anything."

"Why don't you care about anything?"

" 'Cause I'm constipated."

"What does being constipated have to do with not caring?"

"Well, I don't give a shit."

My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives.

I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

People think I don't care about my own well-being because I smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol...

That's not true at all! I just happen to like cigarettes and alcohol. I'll have a cigarette and a beer at the same time, but I'll still be wearing my seatbelt while I do it.

I don't care about the fashion.

It comes in one year and goes out the other.

I don't care where we eat!

It was close to 10:30am when most places stop serving breakfast that my wife decided she wanted some. As we're leaving I ask, "Where do you want to eat?". Her reply, as per the norm, was "I don't care, you pick." I replied sarcastically "Fine, it's about an hour away, but we can go to the strip club...

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"Fuck it I don't care what they say I'm going to eat this lettuce!"

"Only the strong will *Romaine*!"

edit: 'will' not 'with' damn auto predict text , I TRUSTED you.

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

I don't care anymore. I'm gonna say the N word with a hard R !

NASCAR

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I don't care what you say about WWII

Whoever killed Hitler, is my Hero.

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Orgasms are like opinions.

Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.

I don't care what you say about vacuum cleaners

They still suck
Just like this joke

I was about to make love to my to my girlfriend for the first time. I stopped and said "wait, you should know I have herpes". She said "I don't care, I love you so much it's worth the risk". I replied:

I love you too. But please don't make a rash decision.

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

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a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.


The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dud...

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

My grief counselor suddenly died.

Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.

My wife and I were walking along the beach the other day...

"It's interesting, isn't it." I said. "A woman can walk down the beach in her bra and panties and people would stare and go, 'oh my, that's a bit wrong, that!' and yet, if she walked along the beach in a two piece bikini people wouldn't even bat an eyelid. And, when you think about it, a two piece b...

I don't care much for political jokes. But I was thinking what would Reagan think of our current toxic political climate if he was alive today?

I think he would say " WHY WON'T SOMEONE LET ME OUT OF THIS BOX"

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ...

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

I went to buy a new TV and told the sales guy "I don't care what type it is as long as it's not 3D"

He drew me a picture of one.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

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What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

A daughter and mother are talking.

"You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-"

"But I love him!", she interrupts.

"What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!"

"I don't care about his age, he loves me too!"

"I think you misunderstood me."

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

So I'm at a fancy restaurant with a date

The waiter asks if I want red wine or white wine with the meal. "I don't care; I'm color-blind." My date laughs. I guess she doesn't have any sympathy for the color-blind.

So the waiter brings over a bottle. The label says "2013." I tell the waiter I want some wine that isn't 10 years beyond ...

A rich businessman is dying and his friend comes for a last visit.

"Fred...", whispers the businessman, "I have to tell you something..."

"What is it, John? You can tell me everything.", says Fred.

"You know, that trade we were making with the Italians, the package we were delivering; Fred, I didn't deliver it, I kept it for myself... I kept 500 dolla...

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

Clem and Lem

Here's one I heard a long time ago.

Clem and Lem's parents passed away before telling them the facts of life. On night, an attractive woman knocked on their door, complaining of car trouble and asked to spend the night. Clem showed her to the attic bedroom where she immediately stripped. Clem...

My wife left me because I am "ignorant" and "apathetic".

I don't know what that means, but I don't care.

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

Tree joke

I had a tree I wanted removed ,because it was to close to the house. I called a tree guy and he came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He ask me what I thought and I said it was nice but what about the stump ?..He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, If I wanted th...

If Historical figures only had a Jewish Mother...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"


CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."


MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? No...

My wife just told me she was pregnant...

True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke:

"Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad."



Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.

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A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

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Bought a really old race horse today.

I have called him "My Face." and have entered him in "The Grand National"

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting

"Come on My Face."

I went to the store to purchase some bread and the grocery store clerk asked me if I wanted paper or plastic?

I said, "I don't care, just baguette."

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.

He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."

I said: “Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.

Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!

"Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!"

\-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"

"I don't care. Just leave."

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A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender responds, "We don't serve bears beer in this bar."

The bear rears back a little and growls, "I don't care. I'm a bear and I want a beer."

The bartender calmly replies, "I'm sorry, but as I said, we don't serve bears beer ...

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

Every hotel room was taken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you t...

Polish biker

During the times of the cold war and the iron curtain, a Pole with a bike and a bag full of sand was crossing the border to east Germany. At the border control point the guard said:

\-Sir we need to search your bag for any smuggled goods.

They went through the bag and found nothing but...

What do you call when a Pirate updates their iPhone?

an iPatch.



Story:

I went to a Pirate dinner show and they were giving away bandanas and eyepatches and I thought of this joke.

Hate it, love it... I don't care :)

A man came home from work

He walked in the door and his wife said "Honey- pack your bags! I won the Powerball!"

"Wow; this is amazing!" he said, "Do I pack for the beach; a cruise, a new house- what?!"

She replied- "I don't care, just get the hell out!"

Reporter to a man on the street

"Sir! What do you think about the ignorance and apathy of the public in our society?"

"Uhhh ... I don't know, and I don't care."

Every Christmas, my mom sends me out on a wild goose chase whilst she wraps all the presents, but I told her that this was the last time.

I don't care what she says, next year we're having store bought turkey like everyone else.

Divorced man gets 3 wishes

A man, who was recently divorced from his wife was roaming thru the desert randomly struck his foot on an ancient Arab lamp and *WOOSH* out comes a magical genie

[Genie] You have awoken me and now you may have 3 wishes....but remember anything that you wish for your ex wife will receive doubl...

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Man walks into a singles bar...

A man walks into a single bar looking for some action. He orders a drink and sees a gorgeous woman sitting at the bar , extremely well dressed sexy but classy.

He goes up to and says "hi.." and before he can try his chat up lines she looks him up and down and says "I don't care what your name...

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My car screeched to a halt on the front lawn of our house...

I dashed inside and yelled, "Honey! Pack your bags! I won the lottery!!"

From upstairs my wife called out, "That's wonderful dear! What should I pack? Beach clothes? Mountain clothes?"

I yelled back, "I don't care!! Just get the fuck out!!"

I slammed €1,000 down on the bookies counter demanding to put it all on A2Z at 26/1

It was a real alpha bet.

(I don't care if it's terrible, I made myself laugh with it)

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